Kate, Matthew and Me

So, here I am, about to pack up and leave summer project and New Hampshire behind. I could be actually packing. I could be reflecting on all the Lord has done this summer. I could be hanging out with students. There are beaches and lobster and New England to enjoy a little bit longer, but instead, I’m watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” on TV. And it’s not like I haven’t seen it before.

But today I had a thought - “holy crap, I’m turning 33 in about 6 weeks and am still dateless.” And really there is no hope of a date with a viable option anywhere on the horizon. So nothing like a chick flick to wallow in a well of self pity and feed the fantasy that all singletons maintain. You know, the one where Mr. Right comes along and sweeps you off your feet, just like in the movies. And it would probably be raining because in the moves, water falling from the sky seems to make things more romantic, even if the girl’s hair falls to crap and mascara builds under her eyes and she looks like a hung over Elvira (remember her?). So, I go on living vicariously through Kate Hudson and Matthew McConneghy.

Well, that was entertaining. The movie is over now and I’m back to my own reality. And every time I am in this kind of mood, the thought that always comes to mind, at least lately, is this – am I believing in God’s goodness to me today? Because that is what this attitude rides on. If I am not believing his goodness, I will wallow in self pity and grow bitter. And really, I’ve seen too many friends who’ve remained single into their 30’s become bitter. That is not a journey I want to walk.

But if I am choosing, even by faith, to believe in His goodness, than I can choose to believe that me being single must be God’s best for me right now. And therefore by faith, I can trust Him. In fact, I can even, again by faith, choose to be thankful. And it is a thankful heart that I think will prevent a bitter heart.

So today, I choose to thank the Lord that I am single. I thank Him that I am nearly 33 and dateless. I thank Him that I have so much time that I can spend with Him (not that I do, but I could). And I thank Him for His goodness to me. That’s what I choose today.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go eat some chocolate and listen to Damien Rice.

Wild or Mild?

So, here I am sitting in a Barnes and Noble near the New Hampshire/Maine border. I came here today to get away from summer project for a while, to spend some time with Jesus and to do some planning for the discipleship/training appointments I have this week. Plenty to do so I gave myself plenty of time. 3+ hours in fact, before I had anywhere to be. Unfortunately I can’t really focus on anything.

Why is it so hard to spend time with Jesus when I have all the time to do it? Perhaps I came to the wrong place. No doubt this isn’t the best environment today. Sometimes I can pull off the coffee shop quiet time, but not today. And no doubt it doesn’t help that my table is facing the “Love and Sex” section of the bookstore and I’ve probably spent a good 20 seconds trying to decipher a book’s title (is it “Wild Sex” or “Mild Sex?” – as if anyone dreams of mild sex, although at 32 ANY sex would be good – and thus another 20 seconds of my life I’ll never get back).

I also have chosen today to once again break my caffeine addiction. The headache is coming on and should last through tomorrow. Therefore I have given myself a 2-day pass from all coherent thought. Expect some crankiness, mumblings, drooling and shaky hands during my detox.

Perhaps it’s the music I’m listening to. The soundtrack to “Sense and Sensibility.” It’s great if you haven’t heard it. Of course, in every arrangement I picture the movie and think through all the reason’s I’m like Elinor (Emma Thompson’s character). We’re both highly rational, full of hidden emotions, deep dreams and longings, and fiercely loyal to our sisters. And then we get to my favorite scene, when Edmund reveals he’s not married and loves Elinor and she unabashedly weeps with joy. Still waiting and hoping for that moment in my own life (OK, it’s a metaphor – not EXACTLY that moment).

Whatever reason I can come up with for having a hard time focusing on Jesus the answer is quite obvious. I’m distracted. I told you it was obvious. But the point is that there are a lot of distractions in life. And we have arranged our lives in such a way that makes it near impossible to quite the distractions. Solitude is indeed a discipline. One that I don’t practice very much. And really, I’m not sure if I would even know where to begin.

So here I am in the local bookstore, coming to grips with the fact that I like the distractions. I like them too much. The other night we sang a praise song about only wanting Jesus. If only that were true. I do want that to be true. He is all I need. I just wished my life more reflected that and I could quite all the crap that vies for my attention and my allegiance. After all, He is the only one worthy of both. He earned my attention and allegiance the hard way.

It’s time to turn the volume down.

Mission Impossible?

"Without faith it is impossible to please Him..." Have you ever really considered that verse (Heb. 11:6)? It's in a book I've studied several times before, in a chapter I'm familiar with (hall of faith) and actually is a verse I've read over many times. But I don't think I've really ever paused to consider that without faith, it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God. Of course I say as a believer that I want to please God, but do I include faith in that equation (if an equation there really existed)?

It seems to me it is very easy to live my life, attempting to please God, without faith ever entering the picture. I make it all about my behavior, which is clouded in my understanding. That is the opposite of faith. Faith seems to come into play when there is no understanding. What in my life am I seeking to have faith in without understanding? What is God calling me to do that I don't really understand? At the core, the question becomes, where is my faith?

I guess to find the answer of that, I need to also ask, "where are my fears?" Unfortunately, I think fear and faith are 2 sides of the same coin. For example, I fear being single the rest of my life. Do I have faith to believe that God is good and has blessed me as I am? Do I have faith to believe that His plan for me, whether He provides a spouse or not, is best? Do I have faith to believe He really is enough? They go hand in hand. That's how it works.

So what do I need to learn? Let's look at one of my favorite stories in the Old Testament. 2 Chron. 20. We'll take it chunk by chuck over the next couple of posts. Jehoshaphat is king and all of a sudden he finds 3 major enemies allying themselves together and coming to make war against him. It would kind of be like Egypt, Syria and Jordan all uniting to wage war against Isreal today. How does this godly, wise king of a great nation react? He's afraid. He's scared. I think it's safe to say he's worried. All perfectly natural considering his circumstance.

So what does he do? What would you do? I think I would immediately begin pulling my armies together, fortifying my cities, evacuating civilians, etc. But Jehoshaphat , of all things, chooses to worship. Scripture says he "turned his attention to seek the Lord, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah." And it goes on from there. Not only did he proclaim a fast, he called the entire country together, he sought community.

How many times when I'm afraid do I turn to my friends, to my community to share my fears and to seek faith? Hardly ever. Most of the time, I try to handle it on my own. And I'm way to proud to admit my fears in front of folks, much less an entire group. And yet, that's what Jehoshaphat did. In true community, he turned his attention to the Lord.

I'm begining to think that fear is abundant and faith is abondoned in isolation. Without faith it is impossible to please Him. Maybe we need others to have faith.

We'll see how the story continues later. In the meantime, the full passage, up to where we are, is printed below.



So Judah gathered together to seek help from the LORD; they even came from all the cities of Judah to seek the LORD.
Then Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of the LORD before the new court,
and he said, "O LORD, the God of our fathers, are You not God in the heavens? And are You not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in Your hand so that no one can stand against You. "Did You not, O our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before Your people Israel and )give it to the descendants of Abraham Your friend forever? "They have lived in it, and have built You a sanctuary there for Your name, saying,'Should evil come upon us, the sword, or judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You for Your name is in this house and cry to You in our distress, and You will hear and deliver us.'"Now behold, the sons of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir, whom You did not let Israel invade when they came out of the land of Egypt (they turned aside from them and did not destroy them),see how they are rewarding us by coming to drive us out from Your possession which You have given us as an inheritance."O our God, will You not judge them? For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You."All Judah was standing before the LORD, with their infants, their wives and their children.

Something's Missing

Recently we participated in our company’s worldwide day of prayer. It was a corporate mandate that we take a day in our busy schedule, stop, come before the Lord, and pray. It was time to beseech our sovereign Lord to glorify Himself in our ministry, to show up, to bless, to change lives, etc. So we gathered on the designated Tuesday morning, hovered around the snacks (so much for fasting) and waited with dread for the day to begin. It seemed that no one, including myself, wanted to be there. And since we were all so busy with important events coming up, we decided to only pray for half a day and call it quits at lunchtime.

Was it Hudson Taylor who said something like, “I have a lot to do today so I should pray twice as much.” Well, if it wasn’t him, it was some cool spiritual giant that has gone before us. My point is this, what has happened in our spiritual lives that we so quickly sacrifice prayer? Are our tasks really that important or could it be that praying more is the very task we should be doing? When presented with the opportunity to participate in something that has spiritual depth, why do we balk?

I’ve been wrestling with this question lately. I’m involved in the singles ministry at my church. And whether in my community group or in our evening worship service, whenever we do anything that is participatory and has spiritual depth to it, well… very few participate, including myself.

Are we afraid of intimacy with Jesus? I’m not sure I can answer that. I’m not sure I really know what intimacy with Jesus looks like (or intimacy with anyone for that matter). But to be honest, I’m not sure that question is even on the radar. Whether I’m afraid of intimacy with Him or not (after all, He knows me and all the things about me I’m ashamed of) I think it’s more that I am content in the shallow relationship I have with Him. Or I just don’t know any different.

To me, if I can make a sweeping, unfair statement, this defines a majority of the singles at my church (again, including myself). And here is what I think is missing. The Gospel.

No wonder my relationship with Him is shallow. It is so easy to go through our days and not experience the Gospel in our lives. We've made a habit of treating the Gospel like fire insurance, our ticket to heaven as the sayings go. We buy it and never think about it again, or if we do, it's on our deathbed. And why not, daily experiencing the Gospel is hard. After all, experiencing the Gospel involves dealing with sin in our own lives and perhaps confronting it in others. That is never fun. At church in my community group I sense a general reluctance to really deal with sin. And in my own life I’ve grown adept at glossing over it and rationalizing it. Therefore repentance and forgiveness and healing and growth… etc. are missing and thus, the Gospel is absent too.

The Gospel or the lack thereof affects everything we do. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, I’m not experiencing true, Biblical community. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then I’m forgetting my true identity as a believer. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then I’m running in shame from my Lord, instead of boldly approaching His throne to find grace and mercy in my time of need. And if I’m not experiencing the Gospel then yes, I probably am afraid of intimacy with Jesus. And finally, if I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then my motivation to pray is limited. Without the Gospel, prayer is sort of pointless, tasks become the focus, and we stop seeking His glory. It becomes all about us and what we do, whether we realize it or not.

Oh to experience the Gospel (and thus intimacy with Jesus) in such a way that I can honestly say, in community, “we have a lot to do, let’s pray all day.” Not because we should, but because we long too. Because we can’t wait to spend a day with the lover of our soul. Because we know who He is and thus, who we are with all of our sin, and our desperate need for Him. Because we know we are loved. Because we know we need the Gospel.

For Joe

I know I need to update my blog, but I'm sitting here on my couch completely uninspired. I can't think of a thing to write about. So, instead, I'm going to share with you a poem I once wrote my brother. After college I lived overseas for 2 1/2 years and one time, my brother had the nerve to complain that I didn't email him enough. So I wrote this poem for him. Oh, and I had been suffering from a bit of a cold at the time.

I said I would write you
When I came to feel better
But please don't expect this
To be a long letter

There was a short time
I thought my head would blow
But lucky for you
There was only snot flow.

The weather has changed
Now things are kinda hot
But alas, poor me
There is still plenty of snot.

But my lungs have cleared
So things are looking up
which is ideal to keep
snot out of juice cup.

I know it must look like
snot has been my theme
But it really isn't
as bad as it seems

So I'll continue to write
My brother I suppose
Just don't expect them
All to be in prose.

1997


Sorry if I grossed some of you out. I warned you I was uninspired. This is all I have to offer.

Missing Him

It's almost Easter. It seems every year this holiday kind of sneaks up on me. I go to church on Easter Sunday, celebrate the resurrection and then hardly give it a second thought. But not this year. This year I want to pause, I want to contemplate, I want to worship.

Interesting that I feel disconnected from the Lord this week. I'm finding it hard to enter into this holy week with Him. I wonder if this is how the disciples felt the more it became clear that His kingdom was not what they had thought it to be?

In my reading through scripture I've been struck by how clear it is that the disciples just didn't get what Jesus' kingdom was all about. He told them it was time to go to Jerusalem and that he would die, and I think they stopped listening at "go to Jerusalem." So a mom of 2 disciples comes and asks if her boys can sit at His right and at His left in His kingdom. I can hear the jeering of the other disciples even now. After 3 years together and witnessing untold miracles, they didn't understand His kingdom.

It seems the disciples had a knack for only hearing what they wanted to (and yes, now I do have that Lisa Loeb song in my head). They had their own presuppositions, heard what they wanted, at times displayed little faith, and therefore, almost missed everything Jesus was really doing.
This sounds familiar. I think I do the same thing. I want to follow Him and surrender to Him, but I want to do it my way. Not only am I unwilling to count the costs, I create a way of "following" Jesus where there are no costs involved. And I'm missing Him.

Actually, this week where I strangely feel far from Him, I just miss Him.

Happy Easter. The Lord is Risen.

What's Wrong With Me?

Recently I found out that my brother has a girlfriend. My 40 year old, lives at home with Mom to pay off debt, recovering alcoholic, bi-polar brother has a girlfriend. Now I don't mean to sound negative towards my brother. He really is growing in his relationship with the Lord and doing well. He deserves some happiness. Good for him. It just makes me think (because it's all about me), "what the hell is wrong with me?"

Let me explain. I haven't seriously dated a guy since I was 16 years old, and really, how serious can you call any relationship when you're 16? Granted the guy was 4 years older and in college, but still. It was so serious that he sent me a 3-4 page, front/back letter telling me all the good things he liked about me and I responded with a "dear John" letter. I still regret that, but what do you expect, I was 16 (and really, what creepy 20 year old college student seriously pursues a 16 year old!).

Anyway, back to my point. Not only have I doubled in age since I last had a dating relationship, I can count the number of dates that I've been interested in since then on one hand. So all this to say, it makes a girl wonder, "what is wrong with me?" And if a girl is wondering that, she's also wondering, "what do I need to do, what book should I read, holy crap do I need counseling?"

In all reality, the answer to that last one may be "yes." Counseling may often be a good idea. Maybe there is something with how I come across or some odd behavior that needs pointing out and corrected. Maybe I am, for some reason, uncomfortable talking with guys and don't make good eye contact. I don't know, but surely there is something. Something to be fixed.

And maybe there is a plan of action to be taken. A recent book on dating suggests that I need to through myself out there, start meeting guys, practice talking with them, even sign up for internet dating. By default it suggests that I'm not dating because I'm not doing enough. It's all my fault.

Now, I'm not going to question the validity of that. If I stay home and become a hermit it is true that I may never have a date. I would become either the freaky cat lady or the old maid librarian type. Those seem to be the only options. And yes, I'm sure I could use the practice. More than once I've walked away from a conversation with a guy regretting the dorky things that mysteriously came out of my mouth.

But what I do question is this - where is the Lord in all of this? In what am I putting my faith, my hope and my trust? Is it in what I do? Could it be that I am not dating someone right now, and thus not married, because it's not in God's plan for me at the moment? Is there really more I need to do, or do I just need to be? It seems to me that by focusing on things to do, I'm making it all about me, just trying to get what I want through other means instead of trusting Jesus, the giver of all good things. That's my main beef with all these dating books - they make it all about the wrong person.

It's not about me. It's about the lover of my soul who pursues me at all costs. It's about One who cherishes me, delights in me and longs for me more than I can know. It's about One whom, if I could really see Him, I would desire none other. It's about His glory.

In reality, I will still compare myself to others and wonder what is wrong with me. I've wept over that one. Why does absolutely no one want to date me? Is it how I look? What I say? Etc. And it has only confirmed my believe that I'm just average. I should say, my false belief, but I still find it hard to believe that is false.

Every day I wake up consumed by me. So everyday I must choose to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. Because then the question becomes not "what is wrong with me?" but "what is right about Him?" He is my only hope.

Authors note - for the record, I love my brother and am proud of all he has overcome. I make a list of his issues simply to make a point. I very well could have called myself the "32 year old, living in debt, lazy, bitchy, self righteous and overly opinionated sister who always thinks she is right." I really do wish him well and all happiness.

Heart of an Artist

A friend of mine, Melinda, is an artist. Recently she went to an art conference in New York City and wanted to share with me what she learned. What she wrote made me a little teary. I told her she wrote her mission statement. Why is it so hard to include her heart and gifting (and others like her) with the mission of CCC? I think as long as CCC misses out on this, even at a local level, we will continue to miss vast portions of our audience and lose effectiveness. We need people like Melinda to blaze a new path and lead us in a new direction.

Anyway, here is the heart of one gifted artist.

"Here are some things I learned in NYC: They talked about how art(art of all forms) is a language of the soul...we can communicate things that are true, false, evil, good...on and on...it made me think of the verse in James that says, " With the tongue we praise out Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the spring?" It made me realize that my heart overflows to not only my words but also the language of my art. Art speaks to the soul....the holistic being of man...which science and conceptual knowledge can not....we have a unique voice in the world. Some things that are Universal...in every culture...humans are born...they die...and every known culture has some artistic form...which should tell us that art is imperative to the life of the human soul. They encouraged us to push back the darkness in the world with beauty....to be the eye in the storms of life....that place of peace for the weary ones caught in the world. We must seek to be brokers of peace and reconciliation...to God and to others....they gave examples of one man playing his cello in the streets of Slovenia where wars were being had...and men had been killed...I thought of Martin Luther King Jr...using the power of art in his I have a Dream Speech....the way his heart formed those words...no stale outlined speech could've done...he spoke into the soul of men. Educating people about art isn't about creating art patrons...its about creating a society in which we would want to live...and I say that is more glorifying to God and more fully represents His Kingdom....we are here to create outposts for His Kingdom....We live in a consumer society. and as such...people loose touch with the potential of their humanity...and loose touch with the depth and richness which God in His grace has created us to be a part of.....let us not merely amuse others with our art...or entertain them...but let us speak transformation and breath life and hope into their souls...... "

Intimacy is Expected

Thursday is basketball day. Every week, several of us from the office gather at 4 pm to play some ball, get some exercise. So far, while it's been fun, it has also exposed several things to me. First, I am way out of shape. Two, that sweet shot I had in high school has faded quite a bit. And three, I still love to play. Thankfully there is another girl who plays so I can play too.

But one thing I've observed is that the basketball court is a place of unspoken intimacy. When you are guarding another person there is all sorts of incidental contact that happens, and it's OK, it's part of the game. When my hand grazes another players butt or hip or something else, he/she knows I'm attempting to guard them and it's OK. When someone sets a screen and I run straight into the chest of a man I normally wouldn't ever get so close too, it's OK. It's all part of the game. When I hook arms with the player I'm gaurding (or fouling), it's OK. There's only been one time where I accidentally grazed some gentleman's "package." But what can I say, he was trying to drive the lane. Not in my house, buddy! We never spoke of it, because again, it's all part of the game (and it would have embarassed him quite a bit).

The point I'm trying to make is, we're comfortable on the court. While we may not know each other that well in life, we know what each other is like on the court. And because we know each other in that way, the touchy intimacy is OK. It's part of the game. In fact, it's normal.

Now I know this may be a stretch, but what if community among followers of Christ were like that? What if we knew each other so well, that intimacy was comfortable? Of course, I don't necessarily mean touchy intimacy like on the court. But what if being completely vulnerable and known was not only comfortable, but expected - just part of following Christ? While on the basketball court we are united in the purpose of scoring, in life we are united by Christ. What if that were enough to make us comfortable with each other so that we were intimatly known and knew others?

And what would the result be? On the court, you're working together to achieve a common goal. What if we could follow Christ as a team, helping each other run the race to the end? I actually think that is what community is supposed to be like. All of us together, enduring the messy fouls, keeping each other hydrated, making it to the end.

Funny the things you learn on a basketball court. And sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable, Trina. I have to do something to keep you from scoring.

2+2=nothing relational

My thoughts on surrender continue. Here's where I'm at now. How does one fully surrender? I know that it is unrealistic to want a formulaic, quick fix, easy 5 step guide to full surrender. Yet, according to how I live, that is what I want and seek. A quick fix or prayer to solve all my problems. I want the easy way. The one that doesn't take much of my time, thought, energy and overall effort.

But do I really want that? What would this relationship look like if Jesus consistenly doled out formulas to walking with Him? Something tells me that wouldn't be much of a relationship and any intimacy would be contrived. How would one grow if it were easy to follow Christ? And how would I ever experience His gentleness, His grace, His comfort etc. if life were struggle free? It has been in the midst of my struggles that I have found Him the most sweet. Would I really want to replace His loving, gentle touch in a hard, messy relationship with a simple, cold formula?

Of course, I know too well that that Jesus is not formulaic. He is a relational being and we are made in His image. It seems to be His plan that we learn and experience surrender in community and relationship with Him and others. Again, we are in a relationship. Relationships are hard and messy and time consuming and humbling and incredible and refining and wonderful, fun, adventurous, etc. Our relationship with Jesus no doubt has all of these characteristics. But here's the problem. Even knowing all of this, I still struggle to count the cost and fully surrender.

Perhaps the real question is this. Is there something lacking in my view of Him. Does my view of God effect how willing I am to surrender? Does my small, consumer oriented view of God cause me to be lazy when counting the cost of following Jesus? Does it make me less willing to fully surrender?

No doubt the answer to all of the above is yes. Look at the Biblical precedent. Paul. Isaiah. Moses. The woman at the well. Ruth. And so on. They all encountered God and lived surrendered lives. And for the most part, they didn't really seem to struggle with the surrendering. Not to say that they did not encounter struggles, they certainly did. But whatever the cost, they lived surrendered lives. Is it because they knew intimately Him whom they followed and knew His worth, even if it meant their very lives? Look at the apostles. They counted the cost and gave their lives. They knew Him and found Him worthy.

The problem is I am a consumer. I ultimately only come to Jesus because I want something from Him. In doing so, I fail to see His wonder, His beauty, His mystery, His worth. I've made Jesus, the King of all Kings, my own personal Santa Claus. And I've grown pretty adept at calling that intimacy. I am now finding that kind of intimacy... empty.

In my cloak of false intimacy I'm discovering that just maybe, I really don't know Him that well at all. And when intimacy is false, surrender is only a facade.

What if "Sleepless in Seattle" was a horror movie?

Check it out. http://www.tomatopatch.com/films/sleepless.htm

Using Jesus

So, here is what I've been pondering lately. Is there something about the ease of the world in which we live, and by that I mean modern technology, that makes it harder for us to surrender our lives for a lifetime? Why do I only think of surrender one category or circumstance at a time? Why do I seem unable to completely surrender my all?

Lately, I've been confronted with my own seemingly shallow relationship with Jesus. It's easy for me to verbally say I'm surrendered, but really, my surrender is limited by conditions, desires and wants. I am way too easily distracted in this relationship, treating Jesus like the check out boy at Target - the one I have to go through to get what I want. I am a consumer. And I'm using Jesus. Perhaps my culture and surroundings have made being a consumer much to easy and it's filtered into my relationships.

I've spent some time thinking about the missionaries of old - the Gladys Aylwards, Amy Carmichals, Hudson Taylors, and Jim Elliots and others. It is mind boggling to me to think that for some, when they left to travel to their ministry locations, the journey would take 6 months. I've been known to complain about a 20 hour plane ride. This is what has made me wonder if our great, modern technology has made living much too easy and thus, made our view of surrender... well, light.

Perhaps the lines were clearly drawn back then. To follow Jesus you knew it involved great diffictulties and therefore the surrender was taken seriously and was lived out once made. But what if today the lines are no less clearly drawn? What if today we just perceive them to be muddy? What if today we are far too easily satisfied and are eating mud pies, as CS Lewis would say? What if today, when we choose to follow Jesus, we should consider that that live will include great difficulties and suffering and that surrender is not a light subject? What if today we are just fearful and lazy?

I wonder where the Hudson Taylor's, Amy Carmichal's, Elliots, Billy Grahams and Bill Brights are of today. Because so far I'm pretty convinced it's not me. And to be honest, in my flesh, I'm not sure I even want it to be me. But in my spirit I hope. I hope for change. I hope for full surrender.

NOTE - the picture above is one of my heroes, Gladys Aylward. For a brief bio check out http://chi.gospelcom.net/women/aylward.shtml.

Blog Neglect

Due to post conference traumatic stress syndrome and the result of spending 17 out of 18 days away from home, all blogging was temporarily suspended. It will resume soon upon a complete recovery from this malady.

Holiday Preparations

Christmas. I love the Christmas season, getting together with your family, good food, etc. But hard work always comes with the terrritory. Today is "all day baking day" with my sister. 4 pies, buck eye balls, fudge, iced butter cookies, sweet potatos, green bean casserole, etc. It takes a lot of work to make a holiday special. Tonight, my feet and back will hurt, I'll have food splatters on my clothing and I'll be as whipped as the meringue my sister and I will attempt to make. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the holidays.

And just so you think I've forgotten - I love celebrating my savior's lowly arrival on earth in human form. He may have been in a poor manger, but I like to think that at that moment, in heaven the angels are singing something as majestic as "For Unto Us a Child Is Born" from Handel's Messiah. If you haven't heard it recently, check it out and picture the scene. It makes me a little weepy every time I hear it.

Merry Christmas!

Lazy Love

With my last post I concluded that because of my own average view of myself, I need Jesus to woo me. I need Him to pursue me. I need Him to convince me of my inner and outer beauty. I've come to realize that what I really want is Him to do all the work in this relationship.

I'm seeing this as a pattern in my life. As a kid, I wanted to play piano, I just didn't want to practice (damn that "Chariots of Fire" song). I wanted to be an archeologist (go Indiana Jones!), I just didn't want to study what I called "all that science stuff." In college I wanted to be an actress (sometimes still do), but decided that sounded like too much work. And even now, I want to get in shape, be fit, eat healthy, but don't want to exercise (I hate it and would rather be slapped in the face).

It seems I don't want to work for the things I really want. I want to know Jesus intimately, as my lover, but don't want it to take my time and effort. Obviously, that's not much of a relationship. If I were married and my husband treated me like that, I would be deeply hurt. If I tried to seduce him and love him and he just didn't have time for me, the wound would be deep. I don't know why I treat Jesus that way. And I really don't know why He keeps pursuing me.

This past week or so, I have had one thought randomly coming to my mind over and over. Driving down the road listening to Christmas songs I hear a still, small voice saying, "I want your heart." Putting gas in my car I hear, "I want your heart." Sitting in church hearing a talk on something completely other than all this, again I hear, "I want your heart." I think I'm beginning to believe He wants my heart. All of it.

He wants me fully engaged and surrendered in this relationship. He wants me participating. He wants me to be as giddy about Him as He is about me. He wants all of my defenses down. He wants me to let go of my heart, and the fear that keeps my iron grip around it, and give it all to Him. He wants me.

Wow, He wants me. For me to understand the depths of His love for me, I have to participate. I have to be fully engaged. And as He slowly, patiently, gently woos my heart, my grip is beginning to loosen.

"I must arise now and go about the city; In the streets and in the squares I must seek Him whom my soul loves. I sought Him but did not find Him. The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me, and I said, "Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?" Scarcely had I left them when I found Him whom my soul loves; I held on to Him and would not let Him go..."
Song of Solomon 3:2-4

Unveiling Beauty

Warning: This post might give you more of a glimpse into a womans mind (or at least into mine) then you want. I don't write about this stuff often, but occassionally, well... it happens.

Am I beautiful? Am I worthy of being faught for and/or whole heartedly pursued? Apparently (according to John and Stasi Eldredge) every woman asks herself this question. We all struggle with wanting to know if we are lovely, desireable, beautiful.

I've been pondering these questions lately as I've been reading "Captivating," a recent book by the Eldredges. Because I don't like being like everyone else, I wish I could write and say, I don't struggle with those questions. And even as I write this, I wonder at what level of vulnerability will I write (I don't think many people read this anyway). The truth is, I do struggle to believe I'm beautiful. I've convinced myself I'm just average.

Why do I believe this? It's never been proved otherwise. I've never been told I'm beautiful. I've never been pursued by someone who thinks I am. I've even been told by someone (years ago) that he was interested in dating me while not physically attracted to me (and he never did ask me out). I know he didn't mean it maliciously, but damn, that hurts. Then there was my family, who loves me very much and meant well, but by suggesting ways I could look better or different ways to dress, only communicated to me that I wasn't beautiful. In fact I didn't start caring about how I looked until a friend in my early 20's starting affirming me (instead of making suggestions for improvement). All this to say, my life experience has only reinforced to me that I'm average.

Now I know I'm supposed to believe that true beauty comes from within and that God thinks I'm beautiful. But really, I see it as a catch 22. Perhaps what I believe about my physical appearance reinforces an average beauty within which somehow reinforces my belief regarding my physical appearance. And as for God, well... He's God, He's supposed to think I'm beautiful. I don't feel that counts.

So what do I do? Because according to this book, I am beautiful. I've believed a lie. Actually, I know the answer. The answer is that I'm looking to find my beauty or to have my beauty affirmed in the wrong place. I'm seeking it in a man. I'm hoping that one day, some guy will love me passionately and unconditionally enough to convince me I'm beautiful, that I'm desireable, I'm worth pursuing. This is my current form of idolatry.

Oh, I'll probably go on trying to look beautiful. I'll try to dress well, do my make-up and be more engaging with men (as a friend told me I wasn't and didn't make good eye contact). But to find my beauty, or rather, to be convinced that I am beautiful, I need to learn to relate to Jesus differently. I need to see Him as my lover, my pursuer. I need Him to convince me of my beauty. I need Him to woo my heart. In a way, I need Him to seduce me. And He has to be the one to do it. He has to show me how He woos me, how He loves me, how He pursues me. I need Him to show me because I'm convinced only He can unveil beauty. After all, He created it (and me).

Starbucks and Toile

Ah, Starbucks. Vanilla Latte. Random Reggae music by Toots and the Maytals. Tracy Chapman, Bob Dylan and Alanis Morissette for sale on the CD rack. The perfect environment in which to work. Occassionally I like to leave the confines of my cubicle and go work in a cafe. Usually I am surrounded by other 20-40 somethings enjoying the corporate coffee world.

But today is different. In 1 hour I counted 6 sr. citizens enjoying their golden years (one proudly wearing his WW II vet hat as he should be proudly wearing it), 1 gentleman who looked like ZZ Top from the neck up and, well... my Dad from the neck down (khaki's, plaid button down shirt), and then their was the lonely 20 something dad of a newborn baby girl, pushing a ginormous stroller. Nothing wrong with that, it was just interesting. Usualy you see the frazzled and tired mom's in Starbucks, not the suddenly overwhelmed new fathers. And no ladies, he was not wearing a wedding ring. The plot thickens.

So what is it about people watching that is so facsinating that it can keep us occupied sometimes for hours? On one level perhaps it's just a distraction from doing the things we should be doing, a form of procrastination. Perhaps it is a selfish and arrongant way to feel better about myself ("At least I'm not like her."). Or maybe it's just a reminder to me that the old cliche is true - there really is a drama behind every face. We are complex creatures. There is a story to each life I observe. I wonder if the overwhelmed Dad is happy with life. Why is the guy in the cowboy hat embarrased to buy the Tracy Chapman CD and why did he quickly walk over and put it back? Is our own angst in life only because we spend so much time focusing on these little snippets, instead of the greater, larger story?

Really, I think people watching is facsinating because it reminds me that there is a larger story. Most of the time that's encouraging to me, especially when the snippet I known to be my current reality kind of, well... stinks.

I like Starbucks and cafe's. It's a good place to get some work done. And you should see what the guy who just walked in is wearing. Should guys ever wear toile shirts and tapered jeans that fall at the ankle? Is that a new trend?

You Are So Good To Me?

This past Sunday all was going pretty well for me. My hair and outfit for the day were in good order, I had chatted successfully with some friends, had my coffee and was now comfortably ready to sit through another 40 minute message. All was good in the world. It was at this point that the speaker put Phil. 4:6 on the screen. "Don't be anxious for anything but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God." Normally, I just keep listening. But this time I immediately thought, "Why? What good will it do?" That thought stopped me cold. "Where did that come from?" I thought to myself.

"What good will it do?" Had I really lost hope that my requests matter to God? Have I really begun to doubt His goodness to me? Do I really doubt that He cares? To be honest, some days, yes, I do doubt his goodness to me and I do occasionally feel like He doesn't care. How many times can you make the same requests known to Him, not see an answer, and still believe He cares? I don't know. How does prayer work anyway?

There are so many passages that say, "ask and you will receive" or "ask for anything in my name and it will be done for you" or "ask, believing that you have what you ask for, and you will have it" not to mention the old standby, "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Not to be boastful, but I feel like I've done this. So why don't I have the things I ask for? I just don't understand how this all works sometimes.

But I guess it still comes down to one thing. Do I trust Him? Do I trust Him with my life, to lead me in this journey? To trust Him, I have to believe in His goodness. And yes, I do believe in His goodness. He did save me after all. Intellectually I have no problem believing that He loves me and cares for me. And if I think real hard, I'm sure I could remember things in my life that serve as reminders that He is indeed good to me. My head knows His love for me and His caring of me to be a fact. My experience is what falters. My heart lags behind.

Maybe I'm just being a bratty kid who isn't getting what she wants. That's probably true. And maybe, just maybe, I've made this whole prayer thing a little too much about me. I still don't understand how it all works together, but with my mind, I'm choosing to believe in His goodness to me. I just wish my heart believed it too.

It's All In The Editing

http://www.ps260.com/elfollador/Scary%20Titanic.mov - Titanic
http://www.ps260.com/Trailer/westsidestorytrailer_small.mov - West Side Story
http://www.transbuddha.com/index.php/buddha/comments/5330/ - Psycho
and by far my favorite:
http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov - The Shining

Apparently every year there is a "trailer editing" competitition to see who can most creatively re-edit movie trailers. I heard a story about this on NPR once. Apparently someone had re-edited the "Sound of Music" trailer to make the movie sound like a horror show. It was really funny. I'll try to find that one, but in the meantime, enjoy these.

Incomplete

I forgot to wear a watch today. I feel so naked. Thus my wardrobe and self image for the day are incomplete.