The Pursuit of Pursuit

Ok, now for the long awaited update. So sorry it has been so long. To be honest, I've just been uninspired when it comes to writing anything. I've had ideas, just not the inclination to actually sit down and write them out. Oh well, we all enjoy periods of laziness, right?

Recently I wrote and said that I believed that the Lord's pursuit of me was boring. I wrote that the night before I went to a conference that potentially was life changing. I won't go into all the detial here, but to say the least, I no longer believe that the Lord's pursuit of me is boring. In fact, I now see it as sweetly constant.

I think there is a lot about the Lord that I miss because I like to define things according to how they are defined in the world around me or my experience in the world. But you can't do that with the Lord. I think one will always go astray when you compare the Lord and how He works to someone or some experience in a fallen world. It just never works. You will end up with not only a false belief, but a much smaller view of who God is.

That's what I did in contemplating His pursuit of me. I compared Him to my Dad and my experience. I expected His pursuit of me to, well, I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but be like what I see in the movies (which I know is never real). That feels silly to say. Anyway, I wanted His pursuit of me to rush in like a hero and sweep me off my feet every day, my knight in shining armor. Of course now I think that sounds exhausting.

What I've discovered is that His pursuit of me is passionate and gentle, constant and real, subtle and overwhelming. Its daily persistence with a gentle, guiding and loving touch. It engages my heart and mind, not just my emotions. It's lasting, not just an emotional moment of being swept up and away. It's exactly what I need, when I need it. And sometimes, I think it can only be seen and recognized in hindsight.

That last one maybe is a result of living and being surrounded by a fallen world. I'm too easily distracted to recognize His daily pursuit. But I know it's there. And when my eyes are cleared and I finally do see it, my heart is again wooed, and full of praise.

His pursuit of me is pure, constant, persistant, holy, passionate and unwavering and unending. And it is real. Personally, I found it more romantic than the emotional rush of the knight sweeping me off my feet. It is nothing like anything I've ever known and/or experienced. It's nothing like this world. So don't try to define it, that's no good. Leave the defining up to Him. After all, His ways are much higher than ours.

Bored No More

After much consideration and perhaps a life changing weekend, I have a confession. I was wrong in that last post. Since I wrote it I've actually discovered that the Lord does indeed persistently pursue me. And nothing about Him is boring. More later when I have time. I just felt the need to correct this wrong thinking.

I realize I've neglected my blog lately. I promise a return soon.

Wild Lover?

Anyone reading this blog (all, like, 2 of you – if that many) knows that lately I’ve been a bit introspective. I turned 33 and for reason that began a season of life evaluation. I’ve noted circumstances I don’t like, things I would like to change, etc. But really, beneath all the circumstances, there are some heart level issues the Lord is revealing to me that I’m having to deal with. Here is the issue of the day.

God is boring. At least that is what I think I believe. Intellectually I may not believe that is true, but practically, that is how I live. I live as if God is boring. What do I mean? Well, in some ways it all goes back to my believe of me just being average in every department – average personality, average intelligence, average looking, etc. Follow my logic. If I am just average, well, that must be the reason no one has really ever pursued me, including to some extent my own father. And therefore, since no one has ever pursued me, then I must not be pursuable. And believing that, I probably act in a way that communicates that I’m not pursuable. And since I have no experience of anyone really pursuing me, I wonder if God pursues me.

That is what this is really about. Does God pursue me and if so, how? No doubt this is connected to my relationship with my Dad. My parents were divorced before I could form a memory and therefore Dad was always the “fun weekend and vacations” Dad. I actually think I have an OK relationship with him and he and mom seemingly handled the divorce pretty well under the circumstances. Even when both were remarried, we could all, step parents and all, get together for family celebrations and get along. But does my Dad pursue me? Sometimes, but I think rarely. I have no doubt of His love for me, I just think he pursues me when it’s convenient for him, every so often and then puts most of the burden of relationship on me. “When are you going to come see me?”

That is how I view the Lord’s pursuit of me. He loves me no doubt. But it’s a boring love. He pursues me when it’s convenient, or when I’m so desperate He is duty bound to respond, being my “heavenly Father.” I do not believe He loves me and pursues me with a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. I do not believe He is that crazy about me.

But the Biblical record says otherwise. The Bible speaks of a God in Hosea who wildly, passionately and persistently pursued His lover. The Bible speaks of a God who is an all consuming fire, who led His children by a mighty pillar of fire and cloud of smoke, who parted the Red Sea to free His children. It speaks of a God who delights in me. It speaks of a God who so passionately and deeply loved and pursued His children that He sacrificed His own Son to be with us. That is a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. And anything but boring.

Intellectually I believe that is how God pursues me. My head believes it, my heart doubts it. I am either yet to experience that kind of pursuit, or I fail to recognize it being blinded by my own self and the false things I believe about myself. I feel helpless to remove the blinders. I need the Lord to show me His passionate, wild, persistent pursuit of me. I need Him to become my lover.

The Genius of Jane Austen

As of late I’ve been pondering a very simple question. Why is “Pride and Prejudice” so beloved by millions? And I don’t mean just simply loved like a great book (though it is). I mean really loved. In such ways that sequels have been attempted, websites created, debate over which filmed version is better occurring, fan clubs formed, DVD’s sold, watched multiple times per owner and oft quoted. In reality, it has it’s own subculture. If you don’t believe me just google it – I spent an hour playing on sites and taking tests to see which sister I was most like and which man was for me – which perfectly worked out to be Jane and Bingly because of my inherent sweetness and politeness (the tests knew me so well!). This story is LOVED. But what is at the core of the story that creates such affection for it? That is what has vexed me lately. And at times, I have been excessively diverted.

Now before any of my male friends stop reading, let me assure you that I have met plenty of men who have agreed that it is a good story and have ended up enjoying it even though originally forced to watch it. I give you leave to like it. You’ve liked many a stupider thing before. And I understand your unwillingness to admit your like of it. In vain have we subjected you to less worthy flicks (from Anne of Green Gables to Failure to Launch), and then accused you of being void of any real feeling. And I know most of you would categorize “Anchorman” under “Classics” and that’s OK (secretly maybe I would too). But there’s something attractive even to the male audience about this one. So before you find those aforementioned male fans and make them turn in their man cards, watch it for yourself. Perhaps it will induce you to behave in a more gentleman like manner.

Now to the point – why is it so liked? Well, you know my candor well enough to know me capable of getting to the point, so here it is. I think it is liked because, at its core, it is about righteousness. Let me explain. The story presents an age when propriety still meant something. Now, yes, of course Austen pokes a bit of fun at some of this propriety. And we come in contact with characters whose sense of doing what is right runs only skin deep and others who carry out the propriety of the day in pride and conceit. But it’s also about being patient for things to work out rightly instead of taking matters into your own hands and falling into sin (Lizzie and Jane vs. Wickham and Lydia). It’s about extending grace to others when they are too ignorant and naïve to recognize their need for it while knowing it will continue to cost you one way or another (Darcy to Wickham). It’s about recognizing your own sin and humbly changing your ways (Darcy and Lizzie). It’s about believing the best in everyone (Jane and Bingly). It’s about the consequences of unrighteousness (Wickham and Lydia). It’s about forgiveness instead of bitterness (Darcy’s, Bingly’s vs. Lady Catherine). It’s about community (Jane and Lizzie). It’s about purity and holiness in relationships and the lack there of (take your pick). And the list could go on.

Righteousness envelops this story, one way or another. And we are attracted to it, because we miss it. It is rare to find such displays of righteousness in the world in which we live. Propriety means nothing when compared to my own selfish wants and what makes me feel better. Indeed, we are ruined.

Ok, we’re not really ruined. But I do think our hearts, as believers, long for righteousness. And when we can be caught up in a story for a few hours that so well captures it, well, we’re captured. Stories of righteousness stir our souls. Enter the Gospel.

And this is why I think the attempted sequels, have in my opinion, failed miserably. OK, I admit that I’ve actually never read one. But that’s only because I can’t get past the synopses. They speak of Darcy potentially having an illegitimate child, Jane and Bingly’s passionless marriage, Bingly betraying the family, etc. etc. They all seem to miss out on the righteousness (and one is even listed as “erotica” – Austen would flip in her grave). And in my opinion, the sequels will never have the original’s happiness until they have it’s goodness.

So that in a nutshell is a simplified reason why I think the book is so well liked and may even go down as my all time favorite. Well, that and that Austen is a genius. So if you haven’t read it or seen it, do one or both. Embrace life, get lost in a story of righteousness and have some fun. Because every savage can dance. Even those whose favorite classic movie is “Anchorman.”


Oh and fyi, the 5 hour BBC movie version with Colin Firth is far superior to the still entertaining, yet cliff note version with Kiera Knightly.

And lastly, for those of you who think you know Austen well, this post is littered with adapted lines from the book. Reply in the comments and tell me how many you think you found.

New Stuff

It's coming soon. I promise. Hold your horses.

The Act of Turning 33 and the Introspection That Follows

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t really felt like doing much of anything lately. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this unmotivated before. Here’s the deal. I don’t really like much about myself right now. Perhaps I’m being too introspective because I just turned 33 (the year of our Lord upon His assumption, as my roommate said) and my life looks nothing like I want it to. Perhaps I’m just believing lies. Whatever the case, that’s how I feel.

In fact, here is what feels true. I’m now past the age that men find attractive. I haven’t had a date with a viable option in over… well, high school wasn’t really a viable option either was it? Therefore, there must be something wrong with me (that is what Henry Cloud would say anyway, and with no evidence to the contrary, I’m inclined to agree with him). I am in a community group with a lot of people who like me, but none who really want to know me. I’m never invited to do social things with folks from that group (unless it’s a general community group event). Obviously, I lack true community and don’t know where to find it. Again, something must be wrong with me. I’m in a job I’m not motivated to do and don’t know how to change. I’m tired of the financial struggle of being on staff. I have a shallow walk with the Lord that I don’t know what to do about and I struggle with sins that I shouldn’t. I have no self-control or discipline, am lazy, critical and judgmental. And let’s not forget arrogant as all get out. I feel like a failure before the Lord in every way. It’s as if the enemy is ravishing me, and I’m powerless to fight back. This is what feels true.

Now before you say that I’m being hard on myself and start sending me sappy notes of encouragement, let’s get some perspective. Most of what I don’t like about myself is what I see and you don’t – my own inner sin. And it is right to be vexed by it. In fact, it should probably trouble me more than it does and the feeling will pass sooner than it should. And yet, I feel defeated and beaten at every turn. How do I change? How do I let the Lord change me?

But my sin is only part of what I don’t like. I don’t like my life. Now I know that sounds like I’m about ready to slit my wrists. That’s not the case at all. I enjoy living. What I mean is, I don’t like the externals in my life. There are three things here that vex me. First, I don’t like my stage of life. I hate being “the singleton” of the family. At 25 it was OK. At 33 it’s demoralizing. I feel less admired and respected because I’m not married. And the loneliness, in all honesty, sucks. I wonder if I’ll ever understand intimacy with the Lord without understanding it in a relationship here.

Secondly, I don’t like how I look. But that is probably more concerned with my sin and eating and exercising habits. So we’ll move on to number three.

Thirdly, I don’t like my job. I don’t hate my job. I just feel like I’m done with it. I want to contribute something to the Kingdom and don’t feel like I’m doing it here. My passions I feel are absent. And in the midst of my angst, I feel the Lord is being silent. Where are you in my distress, Lord?

Somehow, as a friend reminded me this week, it probably all comes down to me believing in God’s goodness. Do I believe He is good to me, even when the things I would use to define His goodness are absent? How do you define His goodness? I’d like to define it by seeing all of the above “fixed.” But something tells me that is missing the point. Something tells me that His goodness is not primarily found in His acts and blessings, but in He Himself. Goodness is part of His character. He IS good.

So, at the end of all this, perhaps I don’t need more “things.” Perhaps I just need more of Him. Bottom line – He must show me His goodness. Because I’m having a hard time seeing it through all the rain.

Kate, Matthew and Me

So, here I am, about to pack up and leave summer project and New Hampshire behind. I could be actually packing. I could be reflecting on all the Lord has done this summer. I could be hanging out with students. There are beaches and lobster and New England to enjoy a little bit longer, but instead, I’m watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” on TV. And it’s not like I haven’t seen it before.

But today I had a thought - “holy crap, I’m turning 33 in about 6 weeks and am still dateless.” And really there is no hope of a date with a viable option anywhere on the horizon. So nothing like a chick flick to wallow in a well of self pity and feed the fantasy that all singletons maintain. You know, the one where Mr. Right comes along and sweeps you off your feet, just like in the movies. And it would probably be raining because in the moves, water falling from the sky seems to make things more romantic, even if the girl’s hair falls to crap and mascara builds under her eyes and she looks like a hung over Elvira (remember her?). So, I go on living vicariously through Kate Hudson and Matthew McConneghy.

Well, that was entertaining. The movie is over now and I’m back to my own reality. And every time I am in this kind of mood, the thought that always comes to mind, at least lately, is this – am I believing in God’s goodness to me today? Because that is what this attitude rides on. If I am not believing his goodness, I will wallow in self pity and grow bitter. And really, I’ve seen too many friends who’ve remained single into their 30’s become bitter. That is not a journey I want to walk.

But if I am choosing, even by faith, to believe in His goodness, than I can choose to believe that me being single must be God’s best for me right now. And therefore by faith, I can trust Him. In fact, I can even, again by faith, choose to be thankful. And it is a thankful heart that I think will prevent a bitter heart.

So today, I choose to thank the Lord that I am single. I thank Him that I am nearly 33 and dateless. I thank Him that I have so much time that I can spend with Him (not that I do, but I could). And I thank Him for His goodness to me. That’s what I choose today.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go eat some chocolate and listen to Damien Rice.

Wild or Mild?

So, here I am sitting in a Barnes and Noble near the New Hampshire/Maine border. I came here today to get away from summer project for a while, to spend some time with Jesus and to do some planning for the discipleship/training appointments I have this week. Plenty to do so I gave myself plenty of time. 3+ hours in fact, before I had anywhere to be. Unfortunately I can’t really focus on anything.

Why is it so hard to spend time with Jesus when I have all the time to do it? Perhaps I came to the wrong place. No doubt this isn’t the best environment today. Sometimes I can pull off the coffee shop quiet time, but not today. And no doubt it doesn’t help that my table is facing the “Love and Sex” section of the bookstore and I’ve probably spent a good 20 seconds trying to decipher a book’s title (is it “Wild Sex” or “Mild Sex?” – as if anyone dreams of mild sex, although at 32 ANY sex would be good – and thus another 20 seconds of my life I’ll never get back).

I also have chosen today to once again break my caffeine addiction. The headache is coming on and should last through tomorrow. Therefore I have given myself a 2-day pass from all coherent thought. Expect some crankiness, mumblings, drooling and shaky hands during my detox.

Perhaps it’s the music I’m listening to. The soundtrack to “Sense and Sensibility.” It’s great if you haven’t heard it. Of course, in every arrangement I picture the movie and think through all the reason’s I’m like Elinor (Emma Thompson’s character). We’re both highly rational, full of hidden emotions, deep dreams and longings, and fiercely loyal to our sisters. And then we get to my favorite scene, when Edmund reveals he’s not married and loves Elinor and she unabashedly weeps with joy. Still waiting and hoping for that moment in my own life (OK, it’s a metaphor – not EXACTLY that moment).

Whatever reason I can come up with for having a hard time focusing on Jesus the answer is quite obvious. I’m distracted. I told you it was obvious. But the point is that there are a lot of distractions in life. And we have arranged our lives in such a way that makes it near impossible to quite the distractions. Solitude is indeed a discipline. One that I don’t practice very much. And really, I’m not sure if I would even know where to begin.

So here I am in the local bookstore, coming to grips with the fact that I like the distractions. I like them too much. The other night we sang a praise song about only wanting Jesus. If only that were true. I do want that to be true. He is all I need. I just wished my life more reflected that and I could quite all the crap that vies for my attention and my allegiance. After all, He is the only one worthy of both. He earned my attention and allegiance the hard way.

It’s time to turn the volume down.

Mission Impossible?

"Without faith it is impossible to please Him..." Have you ever really considered that verse (Heb. 11:6)? It's in a book I've studied several times before, in a chapter I'm familiar with (hall of faith) and actually is a verse I've read over many times. But I don't think I've really ever paused to consider that without faith, it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God. Of course I say as a believer that I want to please God, but do I include faith in that equation (if an equation there really existed)?

It seems to me it is very easy to live my life, attempting to please God, without faith ever entering the picture. I make it all about my behavior, which is clouded in my understanding. That is the opposite of faith. Faith seems to come into play when there is no understanding. What in my life am I seeking to have faith in without understanding? What is God calling me to do that I don't really understand? At the core, the question becomes, where is my faith?

I guess to find the answer of that, I need to also ask, "where are my fears?" Unfortunately, I think fear and faith are 2 sides of the same coin. For example, I fear being single the rest of my life. Do I have faith to believe that God is good and has blessed me as I am? Do I have faith to believe that His plan for me, whether He provides a spouse or not, is best? Do I have faith to believe He really is enough? They go hand in hand. That's how it works.

So what do I need to learn? Let's look at one of my favorite stories in the Old Testament. 2 Chron. 20. We'll take it chunk by chuck over the next couple of posts. Jehoshaphat is king and all of a sudden he finds 3 major enemies allying themselves together and coming to make war against him. It would kind of be like Egypt, Syria and Jordan all uniting to wage war against Isreal today. How does this godly, wise king of a great nation react? He's afraid. He's scared. I think it's safe to say he's worried. All perfectly natural considering his circumstance.

So what does he do? What would you do? I think I would immediately begin pulling my armies together, fortifying my cities, evacuating civilians, etc. But Jehoshaphat , of all things, chooses to worship. Scripture says he "turned his attention to seek the Lord, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah." And it goes on from there. Not only did he proclaim a fast, he called the entire country together, he sought community.

How many times when I'm afraid do I turn to my friends, to my community to share my fears and to seek faith? Hardly ever. Most of the time, I try to handle it on my own. And I'm way to proud to admit my fears in front of folks, much less an entire group. And yet, that's what Jehoshaphat did. In true community, he turned his attention to the Lord.

I'm begining to think that fear is abundant and faith is abondoned in isolation. Without faith it is impossible to please Him. Maybe we need others to have faith.

We'll see how the story continues later. In the meantime, the full passage, up to where we are, is printed below.



So Judah gathered together to seek help from the LORD; they even came from all the cities of Judah to seek the LORD.
Then Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of the LORD before the new court,
and he said, "O LORD, the God of our fathers, are You not God in the heavens? And are You not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in Your hand so that no one can stand against You. "Did You not, O our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before Your people Israel and )give it to the descendants of Abraham Your friend forever? "They have lived in it, and have built You a sanctuary there for Your name, saying,'Should evil come upon us, the sword, or judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You for Your name is in this house and cry to You in our distress, and You will hear and deliver us.'"Now behold, the sons of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir, whom You did not let Israel invade when they came out of the land of Egypt (they turned aside from them and did not destroy them),see how they are rewarding us by coming to drive us out from Your possession which You have given us as an inheritance."O our God, will You not judge them? For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You."All Judah was standing before the LORD, with their infants, their wives and their children.

Something's Missing

Recently we participated in our company’s worldwide day of prayer. It was a corporate mandate that we take a day in our busy schedule, stop, come before the Lord, and pray. It was time to beseech our sovereign Lord to glorify Himself in our ministry, to show up, to bless, to change lives, etc. So we gathered on the designated Tuesday morning, hovered around the snacks (so much for fasting) and waited with dread for the day to begin. It seemed that no one, including myself, wanted to be there. And since we were all so busy with important events coming up, we decided to only pray for half a day and call it quits at lunchtime.

Was it Hudson Taylor who said something like, “I have a lot to do today so I should pray twice as much.” Well, if it wasn’t him, it was some cool spiritual giant that has gone before us. My point is this, what has happened in our spiritual lives that we so quickly sacrifice prayer? Are our tasks really that important or could it be that praying more is the very task we should be doing? When presented with the opportunity to participate in something that has spiritual depth, why do we balk?

I’ve been wrestling with this question lately. I’m involved in the singles ministry at my church. And whether in my community group or in our evening worship service, whenever we do anything that is participatory and has spiritual depth to it, well… very few participate, including myself.

Are we afraid of intimacy with Jesus? I’m not sure I can answer that. I’m not sure I really know what intimacy with Jesus looks like (or intimacy with anyone for that matter). But to be honest, I’m not sure that question is even on the radar. Whether I’m afraid of intimacy with Him or not (after all, He knows me and all the things about me I’m ashamed of) I think it’s more that I am content in the shallow relationship I have with Him. Or I just don’t know any different.

To me, if I can make a sweeping, unfair statement, this defines a majority of the singles at my church (again, including myself). And here is what I think is missing. The Gospel.

No wonder my relationship with Him is shallow. It is so easy to go through our days and not experience the Gospel in our lives. We've made a habit of treating the Gospel like fire insurance, our ticket to heaven as the sayings go. We buy it and never think about it again, or if we do, it's on our deathbed. And why not, daily experiencing the Gospel is hard. After all, experiencing the Gospel involves dealing with sin in our own lives and perhaps confronting it in others. That is never fun. At church in my community group I sense a general reluctance to really deal with sin. And in my own life I’ve grown adept at glossing over it and rationalizing it. Therefore repentance and forgiveness and healing and growth… etc. are missing and thus, the Gospel is absent too.

The Gospel or the lack thereof affects everything we do. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, I’m not experiencing true, Biblical community. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then I’m forgetting my true identity as a believer. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then I’m running in shame from my Lord, instead of boldly approaching His throne to find grace and mercy in my time of need. And if I’m not experiencing the Gospel then yes, I probably am afraid of intimacy with Jesus. And finally, if I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then my motivation to pray is limited. Without the Gospel, prayer is sort of pointless, tasks become the focus, and we stop seeking His glory. It becomes all about us and what we do, whether we realize it or not.

Oh to experience the Gospel (and thus intimacy with Jesus) in such a way that I can honestly say, in community, “we have a lot to do, let’s pray all day.” Not because we should, but because we long too. Because we can’t wait to spend a day with the lover of our soul. Because we know who He is and thus, who we are with all of our sin, and our desperate need for Him. Because we know we are loved. Because we know we need the Gospel.

For Joe

I know I need to update my blog, but I'm sitting here on my couch completely uninspired. I can't think of a thing to write about. So, instead, I'm going to share with you a poem I once wrote my brother. After college I lived overseas for 2 1/2 years and one time, my brother had the nerve to complain that I didn't email him enough. So I wrote this poem for him. Oh, and I had been suffering from a bit of a cold at the time.

I said I would write you
When I came to feel better
But please don't expect this
To be a long letter

There was a short time
I thought my head would blow
But lucky for you
There was only snot flow.

The weather has changed
Now things are kinda hot
But alas, poor me
There is still plenty of snot.

But my lungs have cleared
So things are looking up
which is ideal to keep
snot out of juice cup.

I know it must look like
snot has been my theme
But it really isn't
as bad as it seems

So I'll continue to write
My brother I suppose
Just don't expect them
All to be in prose.

1997


Sorry if I grossed some of you out. I warned you I was uninspired. This is all I have to offer.

Missing Him

It's almost Easter. It seems every year this holiday kind of sneaks up on me. I go to church on Easter Sunday, celebrate the resurrection and then hardly give it a second thought. But not this year. This year I want to pause, I want to contemplate, I want to worship.

Interesting that I feel disconnected from the Lord this week. I'm finding it hard to enter into this holy week with Him. I wonder if this is how the disciples felt the more it became clear that His kingdom was not what they had thought it to be?

In my reading through scripture I've been struck by how clear it is that the disciples just didn't get what Jesus' kingdom was all about. He told them it was time to go to Jerusalem and that he would die, and I think they stopped listening at "go to Jerusalem." So a mom of 2 disciples comes and asks if her boys can sit at His right and at His left in His kingdom. I can hear the jeering of the other disciples even now. After 3 years together and witnessing untold miracles, they didn't understand His kingdom.

It seems the disciples had a knack for only hearing what they wanted to (and yes, now I do have that Lisa Loeb song in my head). They had their own presuppositions, heard what they wanted, at times displayed little faith, and therefore, almost missed everything Jesus was really doing.
This sounds familiar. I think I do the same thing. I want to follow Him and surrender to Him, but I want to do it my way. Not only am I unwilling to count the costs, I create a way of "following" Jesus where there are no costs involved. And I'm missing Him.

Actually, this week where I strangely feel far from Him, I just miss Him.

Happy Easter. The Lord is Risen.

What's Wrong With Me?

Recently I found out that my brother has a girlfriend. My 40 year old, lives at home with Mom to pay off debt, recovering alcoholic, bi-polar brother has a girlfriend. Now I don't mean to sound negative towards my brother. He really is growing in his relationship with the Lord and doing well. He deserves some happiness. Good for him. It just makes me think (because it's all about me), "what the hell is wrong with me?"

Let me explain. I haven't seriously dated a guy since I was 16 years old, and really, how serious can you call any relationship when you're 16? Granted the guy was 4 years older and in college, but still. It was so serious that he sent me a 3-4 page, front/back letter telling me all the good things he liked about me and I responded with a "dear John" letter. I still regret that, but what do you expect, I was 16 (and really, what creepy 20 year old college student seriously pursues a 16 year old!).

Anyway, back to my point. Not only have I doubled in age since I last had a dating relationship, I can count the number of dates that I've been interested in since then on one hand. So all this to say, it makes a girl wonder, "what is wrong with me?" And if a girl is wondering that, she's also wondering, "what do I need to do, what book should I read, holy crap do I need counseling?"

In all reality, the answer to that last one may be "yes." Counseling may often be a good idea. Maybe there is something with how I come across or some odd behavior that needs pointing out and corrected. Maybe I am, for some reason, uncomfortable talking with guys and don't make good eye contact. I don't know, but surely there is something. Something to be fixed.

And maybe there is a plan of action to be taken. A recent book on dating suggests that I need to through myself out there, start meeting guys, practice talking with them, even sign up for internet dating. By default it suggests that I'm not dating because I'm not doing enough. It's all my fault.

Now, I'm not going to question the validity of that. If I stay home and become a hermit it is true that I may never have a date. I would become either the freaky cat lady or the old maid librarian type. Those seem to be the only options. And yes, I'm sure I could use the practice. More than once I've walked away from a conversation with a guy regretting the dorky things that mysteriously came out of my mouth.

But what I do question is this - where is the Lord in all of this? In what am I putting my faith, my hope and my trust? Is it in what I do? Could it be that I am not dating someone right now, and thus not married, because it's not in God's plan for me at the moment? Is there really more I need to do, or do I just need to be? It seems to me that by focusing on things to do, I'm making it all about me, just trying to get what I want through other means instead of trusting Jesus, the giver of all good things. That's my main beef with all these dating books - they make it all about the wrong person.

It's not about me. It's about the lover of my soul who pursues me at all costs. It's about One who cherishes me, delights in me and longs for me more than I can know. It's about One whom, if I could really see Him, I would desire none other. It's about His glory.

In reality, I will still compare myself to others and wonder what is wrong with me. I've wept over that one. Why does absolutely no one want to date me? Is it how I look? What I say? Etc. And it has only confirmed my believe that I'm just average. I should say, my false belief, but I still find it hard to believe that is false.

Every day I wake up consumed by me. So everyday I must choose to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. Because then the question becomes not "what is wrong with me?" but "what is right about Him?" He is my only hope.

Authors note - for the record, I love my brother and am proud of all he has overcome. I make a list of his issues simply to make a point. I very well could have called myself the "32 year old, living in debt, lazy, bitchy, self righteous and overly opinionated sister who always thinks she is right." I really do wish him well and all happiness.

Heart of an Artist

A friend of mine, Melinda, is an artist. Recently she went to an art conference in New York City and wanted to share with me what she learned. What she wrote made me a little teary. I told her she wrote her mission statement. Why is it so hard to include her heart and gifting (and others like her) with the mission of CCC? I think as long as CCC misses out on this, even at a local level, we will continue to miss vast portions of our audience and lose effectiveness. We need people like Melinda to blaze a new path and lead us in a new direction.

Anyway, here is the heart of one gifted artist.

"Here are some things I learned in NYC: They talked about how art(art of all forms) is a language of the soul...we can communicate things that are true, false, evil, good...on and on...it made me think of the verse in James that says, " With the tongue we praise out Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the spring?" It made me realize that my heart overflows to not only my words but also the language of my art. Art speaks to the soul....the holistic being of man...which science and conceptual knowledge can not....we have a unique voice in the world. Some things that are Universal...in every culture...humans are born...they die...and every known culture has some artistic form...which should tell us that art is imperative to the life of the human soul. They encouraged us to push back the darkness in the world with beauty....to be the eye in the storms of life....that place of peace for the weary ones caught in the world. We must seek to be brokers of peace and reconciliation...to God and to others....they gave examples of one man playing his cello in the streets of Slovenia where wars were being had...and men had been killed...I thought of Martin Luther King Jr...using the power of art in his I have a Dream Speech....the way his heart formed those words...no stale outlined speech could've done...he spoke into the soul of men. Educating people about art isn't about creating art patrons...its about creating a society in which we would want to live...and I say that is more glorifying to God and more fully represents His Kingdom....we are here to create outposts for His Kingdom....We live in a consumer society. and as such...people loose touch with the potential of their humanity...and loose touch with the depth and richness which God in His grace has created us to be a part of.....let us not merely amuse others with our art...or entertain them...but let us speak transformation and breath life and hope into their souls...... "

Intimacy is Expected

Thursday is basketball day. Every week, several of us from the office gather at 4 pm to play some ball, get some exercise. So far, while it's been fun, it has also exposed several things to me. First, I am way out of shape. Two, that sweet shot I had in high school has faded quite a bit. And three, I still love to play. Thankfully there is another girl who plays so I can play too.

But one thing I've observed is that the basketball court is a place of unspoken intimacy. When you are guarding another person there is all sorts of incidental contact that happens, and it's OK, it's part of the game. When my hand grazes another players butt or hip or something else, he/she knows I'm attempting to guard them and it's OK. When someone sets a screen and I run straight into the chest of a man I normally wouldn't ever get so close too, it's OK. It's all part of the game. When I hook arms with the player I'm gaurding (or fouling), it's OK. There's only been one time where I accidentally grazed some gentleman's "package." But what can I say, he was trying to drive the lane. Not in my house, buddy! We never spoke of it, because again, it's all part of the game (and it would have embarassed him quite a bit).

The point I'm trying to make is, we're comfortable on the court. While we may not know each other that well in life, we know what each other is like on the court. And because we know each other in that way, the touchy intimacy is OK. It's part of the game. In fact, it's normal.

Now I know this may be a stretch, but what if community among followers of Christ were like that? What if we knew each other so well, that intimacy was comfortable? Of course, I don't necessarily mean touchy intimacy like on the court. But what if being completely vulnerable and known was not only comfortable, but expected - just part of following Christ? While on the basketball court we are united in the purpose of scoring, in life we are united by Christ. What if that were enough to make us comfortable with each other so that we were intimatly known and knew others?

And what would the result be? On the court, you're working together to achieve a common goal. What if we could follow Christ as a team, helping each other run the race to the end? I actually think that is what community is supposed to be like. All of us together, enduring the messy fouls, keeping each other hydrated, making it to the end.

Funny the things you learn on a basketball court. And sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable, Trina. I have to do something to keep you from scoring.

2+2=nothing relational

My thoughts on surrender continue. Here's where I'm at now. How does one fully surrender? I know that it is unrealistic to want a formulaic, quick fix, easy 5 step guide to full surrender. Yet, according to how I live, that is what I want and seek. A quick fix or prayer to solve all my problems. I want the easy way. The one that doesn't take much of my time, thought, energy and overall effort.

But do I really want that? What would this relationship look like if Jesus consistenly doled out formulas to walking with Him? Something tells me that wouldn't be much of a relationship and any intimacy would be contrived. How would one grow if it were easy to follow Christ? And how would I ever experience His gentleness, His grace, His comfort etc. if life were struggle free? It has been in the midst of my struggles that I have found Him the most sweet. Would I really want to replace His loving, gentle touch in a hard, messy relationship with a simple, cold formula?

Of course, I know too well that that Jesus is not formulaic. He is a relational being and we are made in His image. It seems to be His plan that we learn and experience surrender in community and relationship with Him and others. Again, we are in a relationship. Relationships are hard and messy and time consuming and humbling and incredible and refining and wonderful, fun, adventurous, etc. Our relationship with Jesus no doubt has all of these characteristics. But here's the problem. Even knowing all of this, I still struggle to count the cost and fully surrender.

Perhaps the real question is this. Is there something lacking in my view of Him. Does my view of God effect how willing I am to surrender? Does my small, consumer oriented view of God cause me to be lazy when counting the cost of following Jesus? Does it make me less willing to fully surrender?

No doubt the answer to all of the above is yes. Look at the Biblical precedent. Paul. Isaiah. Moses. The woman at the well. Ruth. And so on. They all encountered God and lived surrendered lives. And for the most part, they didn't really seem to struggle with the surrendering. Not to say that they did not encounter struggles, they certainly did. But whatever the cost, they lived surrendered lives. Is it because they knew intimately Him whom they followed and knew His worth, even if it meant their very lives? Look at the apostles. They counted the cost and gave their lives. They knew Him and found Him worthy.

The problem is I am a consumer. I ultimately only come to Jesus because I want something from Him. In doing so, I fail to see His wonder, His beauty, His mystery, His worth. I've made Jesus, the King of all Kings, my own personal Santa Claus. And I've grown pretty adept at calling that intimacy. I am now finding that kind of intimacy... empty.

In my cloak of false intimacy I'm discovering that just maybe, I really don't know Him that well at all. And when intimacy is false, surrender is only a facade.

What if "Sleepless in Seattle" was a horror movie?

Check it out. http://www.tomatopatch.com/films/sleepless.htm

Using Jesus

So, here is what I've been pondering lately. Is there something about the ease of the world in which we live, and by that I mean modern technology, that makes it harder for us to surrender our lives for a lifetime? Why do I only think of surrender one category or circumstance at a time? Why do I seem unable to completely surrender my all?

Lately, I've been confronted with my own seemingly shallow relationship with Jesus. It's easy for me to verbally say I'm surrendered, but really, my surrender is limited by conditions, desires and wants. I am way too easily distracted in this relationship, treating Jesus like the check out boy at Target - the one I have to go through to get what I want. I am a consumer. And I'm using Jesus. Perhaps my culture and surroundings have made being a consumer much to easy and it's filtered into my relationships.

I've spent some time thinking about the missionaries of old - the Gladys Aylwards, Amy Carmichals, Hudson Taylors, and Jim Elliots and others. It is mind boggling to me to think that for some, when they left to travel to their ministry locations, the journey would take 6 months. I've been known to complain about a 20 hour plane ride. This is what has made me wonder if our great, modern technology has made living much too easy and thus, made our view of surrender... well, light.

Perhaps the lines were clearly drawn back then. To follow Jesus you knew it involved great diffictulties and therefore the surrender was taken seriously and was lived out once made. But what if today the lines are no less clearly drawn? What if today we just perceive them to be muddy? What if today we are far too easily satisfied and are eating mud pies, as CS Lewis would say? What if today, when we choose to follow Jesus, we should consider that that live will include great difficulties and suffering and that surrender is not a light subject? What if today we are just fearful and lazy?

I wonder where the Hudson Taylor's, Amy Carmichal's, Elliots, Billy Grahams and Bill Brights are of today. Because so far I'm pretty convinced it's not me. And to be honest, in my flesh, I'm not sure I even want it to be me. But in my spirit I hope. I hope for change. I hope for full surrender.

NOTE - the picture above is one of my heroes, Gladys Aylward. For a brief bio check out http://chi.gospelcom.net/women/aylward.shtml.

Blog Neglect

Due to post conference traumatic stress syndrome and the result of spending 17 out of 18 days away from home, all blogging was temporarily suspended. It will resume soon upon a complete recovery from this malady.