What's Wrong With Me?

Recently I found out that my brother has a girlfriend. My 40 year old, lives at home with Mom to pay off debt, recovering alcoholic, bi-polar brother has a girlfriend. Now I don't mean to sound negative towards my brother. He really is growing in his relationship with the Lord and doing well. He deserves some happiness. Good for him. It just makes me think (because it's all about me), "what the hell is wrong with me?"

Let me explain. I haven't seriously dated a guy since I was 16 years old, and really, how serious can you call any relationship when you're 16? Granted the guy was 4 years older and in college, but still. It was so serious that he sent me a 3-4 page, front/back letter telling me all the good things he liked about me and I responded with a "dear John" letter. I still regret that, but what do you expect, I was 16 (and really, what creepy 20 year old college student seriously pursues a 16 year old!).

Anyway, back to my point. Not only have I doubled in age since I last had a dating relationship, I can count the number of dates that I've been interested in since then on one hand. So all this to say, it makes a girl wonder, "what is wrong with me?" And if a girl is wondering that, she's also wondering, "what do I need to do, what book should I read, holy crap do I need counseling?"

In all reality, the answer to that last one may be "yes." Counseling may often be a good idea. Maybe there is something with how I come across or some odd behavior that needs pointing out and corrected. Maybe I am, for some reason, uncomfortable talking with guys and don't make good eye contact. I don't know, but surely there is something. Something to be fixed.

And maybe there is a plan of action to be taken. A recent book on dating suggests that I need to through myself out there, start meeting guys, practice talking with them, even sign up for internet dating. By default it suggests that I'm not dating because I'm not doing enough. It's all my fault.

Now, I'm not going to question the validity of that. If I stay home and become a hermit it is true that I may never have a date. I would become either the freaky cat lady or the old maid librarian type. Those seem to be the only options. And yes, I'm sure I could use the practice. More than once I've walked away from a conversation with a guy regretting the dorky things that mysteriously came out of my mouth.

But what I do question is this - where is the Lord in all of this? In what am I putting my faith, my hope and my trust? Is it in what I do? Could it be that I am not dating someone right now, and thus not married, because it's not in God's plan for me at the moment? Is there really more I need to do, or do I just need to be? It seems to me that by focusing on things to do, I'm making it all about me, just trying to get what I want through other means instead of trusting Jesus, the giver of all good things. That's my main beef with all these dating books - they make it all about the wrong person.

It's not about me. It's about the lover of my soul who pursues me at all costs. It's about One who cherishes me, delights in me and longs for me more than I can know. It's about One whom, if I could really see Him, I would desire none other. It's about His glory.

In reality, I will still compare myself to others and wonder what is wrong with me. I've wept over that one. Why does absolutely no one want to date me? Is it how I look? What I say? Etc. And it has only confirmed my believe that I'm just average. I should say, my false belief, but I still find it hard to believe that is false.

Every day I wake up consumed by me. So everyday I must choose to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. Because then the question becomes not "what is wrong with me?" but "what is right about Him?" He is my only hope.

Authors note - for the record, I love my brother and am proud of all he has overcome. I make a list of his issues simply to make a point. I very well could have called myself the "32 year old, living in debt, lazy, bitchy, self righteous and overly opinionated sister who always thinks she is right." I really do wish him well and all happiness.

Heart of an Artist

A friend of mine, Melinda, is an artist. Recently she went to an art conference in New York City and wanted to share with me what she learned. What she wrote made me a little teary. I told her she wrote her mission statement. Why is it so hard to include her heart and gifting (and others like her) with the mission of CCC? I think as long as CCC misses out on this, even at a local level, we will continue to miss vast portions of our audience and lose effectiveness. We need people like Melinda to blaze a new path and lead us in a new direction.

Anyway, here is the heart of one gifted artist.

"Here are some things I learned in NYC: They talked about how art(art of all forms) is a language of the soul...we can communicate things that are true, false, evil, good...on and on...it made me think of the verse in James that says, " With the tongue we praise out Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the spring?" It made me realize that my heart overflows to not only my words but also the language of my art. Art speaks to the soul....the holistic being of man...which science and conceptual knowledge can not....we have a unique voice in the world. Some things that are Universal...in every culture...humans are born...they die...and every known culture has some artistic form...which should tell us that art is imperative to the life of the human soul. They encouraged us to push back the darkness in the world with beauty....to be the eye in the storms of life....that place of peace for the weary ones caught in the world. We must seek to be brokers of peace and reconciliation...to God and to others....they gave examples of one man playing his cello in the streets of Slovenia where wars were being had...and men had been killed...I thought of Martin Luther King Jr...using the power of art in his I have a Dream Speech....the way his heart formed those words...no stale outlined speech could've done...he spoke into the soul of men. Educating people about art isn't about creating art patrons...its about creating a society in which we would want to live...and I say that is more glorifying to God and more fully represents His Kingdom....we are here to create outposts for His Kingdom....We live in a consumer society. and as such...people loose touch with the potential of their humanity...and loose touch with the depth and richness which God in His grace has created us to be a part of.....let us not merely amuse others with our art...or entertain them...but let us speak transformation and breath life and hope into their souls...... "