Holiday Preparations

Christmas. I love the Christmas season, getting together with your family, good food, etc. But hard work always comes with the terrritory. Today is "all day baking day" with my sister. 4 pies, buck eye balls, fudge, iced butter cookies, sweet potatos, green bean casserole, etc. It takes a lot of work to make a holiday special. Tonight, my feet and back will hurt, I'll have food splatters on my clothing and I'll be as whipped as the meringue my sister and I will attempt to make. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the holidays.

And just so you think I've forgotten - I love celebrating my savior's lowly arrival on earth in human form. He may have been in a poor manger, but I like to think that at that moment, in heaven the angels are singing something as majestic as "For Unto Us a Child Is Born" from Handel's Messiah. If you haven't heard it recently, check it out and picture the scene. It makes me a little weepy every time I hear it.

Merry Christmas!

Lazy Love

With my last post I concluded that because of my own average view of myself, I need Jesus to woo me. I need Him to pursue me. I need Him to convince me of my inner and outer beauty. I've come to realize that what I really want is Him to do all the work in this relationship.

I'm seeing this as a pattern in my life. As a kid, I wanted to play piano, I just didn't want to practice (damn that "Chariots of Fire" song). I wanted to be an archeologist (go Indiana Jones!), I just didn't want to study what I called "all that science stuff." In college I wanted to be an actress (sometimes still do), but decided that sounded like too much work. And even now, I want to get in shape, be fit, eat healthy, but don't want to exercise (I hate it and would rather be slapped in the face).

It seems I don't want to work for the things I really want. I want to know Jesus intimately, as my lover, but don't want it to take my time and effort. Obviously, that's not much of a relationship. If I were married and my husband treated me like that, I would be deeply hurt. If I tried to seduce him and love him and he just didn't have time for me, the wound would be deep. I don't know why I treat Jesus that way. And I really don't know why He keeps pursuing me.

This past week or so, I have had one thought randomly coming to my mind over and over. Driving down the road listening to Christmas songs I hear a still, small voice saying, "I want your heart." Putting gas in my car I hear, "I want your heart." Sitting in church hearing a talk on something completely other than all this, again I hear, "I want your heart." I think I'm beginning to believe He wants my heart. All of it.

He wants me fully engaged and surrendered in this relationship. He wants me participating. He wants me to be as giddy about Him as He is about me. He wants all of my defenses down. He wants me to let go of my heart, and the fear that keeps my iron grip around it, and give it all to Him. He wants me.

Wow, He wants me. For me to understand the depths of His love for me, I have to participate. I have to be fully engaged. And as He slowly, patiently, gently woos my heart, my grip is beginning to loosen.

"I must arise now and go about the city; In the streets and in the squares I must seek Him whom my soul loves. I sought Him but did not find Him. The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me, and I said, "Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?" Scarcely had I left them when I found Him whom my soul loves; I held on to Him and would not let Him go..."
Song of Solomon 3:2-4

Unveiling Beauty

Warning: This post might give you more of a glimpse into a womans mind (or at least into mine) then you want. I don't write about this stuff often, but occassionally, well... it happens.

Am I beautiful? Am I worthy of being faught for and/or whole heartedly pursued? Apparently (according to John and Stasi Eldredge) every woman asks herself this question. We all struggle with wanting to know if we are lovely, desireable, beautiful.

I've been pondering these questions lately as I've been reading "Captivating," a recent book by the Eldredges. Because I don't like being like everyone else, I wish I could write and say, I don't struggle with those questions. And even as I write this, I wonder at what level of vulnerability will I write (I don't think many people read this anyway). The truth is, I do struggle to believe I'm beautiful. I've convinced myself I'm just average.

Why do I believe this? It's never been proved otherwise. I've never been told I'm beautiful. I've never been pursued by someone who thinks I am. I've even been told by someone (years ago) that he was interested in dating me while not physically attracted to me (and he never did ask me out). I know he didn't mean it maliciously, but damn, that hurts. Then there was my family, who loves me very much and meant well, but by suggesting ways I could look better or different ways to dress, only communicated to me that I wasn't beautiful. In fact I didn't start caring about how I looked until a friend in my early 20's starting affirming me (instead of making suggestions for improvement). All this to say, my life experience has only reinforced to me that I'm average.

Now I know I'm supposed to believe that true beauty comes from within and that God thinks I'm beautiful. But really, I see it as a catch 22. Perhaps what I believe about my physical appearance reinforces an average beauty within which somehow reinforces my belief regarding my physical appearance. And as for God, well... He's God, He's supposed to think I'm beautiful. I don't feel that counts.

So what do I do? Because according to this book, I am beautiful. I've believed a lie. Actually, I know the answer. The answer is that I'm looking to find my beauty or to have my beauty affirmed in the wrong place. I'm seeking it in a man. I'm hoping that one day, some guy will love me passionately and unconditionally enough to convince me I'm beautiful, that I'm desireable, I'm worth pursuing. This is my current form of idolatry.

Oh, I'll probably go on trying to look beautiful. I'll try to dress well, do my make-up and be more engaging with men (as a friend told me I wasn't and didn't make good eye contact). But to find my beauty, or rather, to be convinced that I am beautiful, I need to learn to relate to Jesus differently. I need to see Him as my lover, my pursuer. I need Him to convince me of my beauty. I need Him to woo my heart. In a way, I need Him to seduce me. And He has to be the one to do it. He has to show me how He woos me, how He loves me, how He pursues me. I need Him to show me because I'm convinced only He can unveil beauty. After all, He created it (and me).

Starbucks and Toile

Ah, Starbucks. Vanilla Latte. Random Reggae music by Toots and the Maytals. Tracy Chapman, Bob Dylan and Alanis Morissette for sale on the CD rack. The perfect environment in which to work. Occassionally I like to leave the confines of my cubicle and go work in a cafe. Usually I am surrounded by other 20-40 somethings enjoying the corporate coffee world.

But today is different. In 1 hour I counted 6 sr. citizens enjoying their golden years (one proudly wearing his WW II vet hat as he should be proudly wearing it), 1 gentleman who looked like ZZ Top from the neck up and, well... my Dad from the neck down (khaki's, plaid button down shirt), and then their was the lonely 20 something dad of a newborn baby girl, pushing a ginormous stroller. Nothing wrong with that, it was just interesting. Usualy you see the frazzled and tired mom's in Starbucks, not the suddenly overwhelmed new fathers. And no ladies, he was not wearing a wedding ring. The plot thickens.

So what is it about people watching that is so facsinating that it can keep us occupied sometimes for hours? On one level perhaps it's just a distraction from doing the things we should be doing, a form of procrastination. Perhaps it is a selfish and arrongant way to feel better about myself ("At least I'm not like her."). Or maybe it's just a reminder to me that the old cliche is true - there really is a drama behind every face. We are complex creatures. There is a story to each life I observe. I wonder if the overwhelmed Dad is happy with life. Why is the guy in the cowboy hat embarrased to buy the Tracy Chapman CD and why did he quickly walk over and put it back? Is our own angst in life only because we spend so much time focusing on these little snippets, instead of the greater, larger story?

Really, I think people watching is facsinating because it reminds me that there is a larger story. Most of the time that's encouraging to me, especially when the snippet I known to be my current reality kind of, well... stinks.

I like Starbucks and cafe's. It's a good place to get some work done. And you should see what the guy who just walked in is wearing. Should guys ever wear toile shirts and tapered jeans that fall at the ankle? Is that a new trend?

You Are So Good To Me?

This past Sunday all was going pretty well for me. My hair and outfit for the day were in good order, I had chatted successfully with some friends, had my coffee and was now comfortably ready to sit through another 40 minute message. All was good in the world. It was at this point that the speaker put Phil. 4:6 on the screen. "Don't be anxious for anything but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God." Normally, I just keep listening. But this time I immediately thought, "Why? What good will it do?" That thought stopped me cold. "Where did that come from?" I thought to myself.

"What good will it do?" Had I really lost hope that my requests matter to God? Have I really begun to doubt His goodness to me? Do I really doubt that He cares? To be honest, some days, yes, I do doubt his goodness to me and I do occasionally feel like He doesn't care. How many times can you make the same requests known to Him, not see an answer, and still believe He cares? I don't know. How does prayer work anyway?

There are so many passages that say, "ask and you will receive" or "ask for anything in my name and it will be done for you" or "ask, believing that you have what you ask for, and you will have it" not to mention the old standby, "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Not to be boastful, but I feel like I've done this. So why don't I have the things I ask for? I just don't understand how this all works sometimes.

But I guess it still comes down to one thing. Do I trust Him? Do I trust Him with my life, to lead me in this journey? To trust Him, I have to believe in His goodness. And yes, I do believe in His goodness. He did save me after all. Intellectually I have no problem believing that He loves me and cares for me. And if I think real hard, I'm sure I could remember things in my life that serve as reminders that He is indeed good to me. My head knows His love for me and His caring of me to be a fact. My experience is what falters. My heart lags behind.

Maybe I'm just being a bratty kid who isn't getting what she wants. That's probably true. And maybe, just maybe, I've made this whole prayer thing a little too much about me. I still don't understand how it all works together, but with my mind, I'm choosing to believe in His goodness to me. I just wish my heart believed it too.

It's All In The Editing

http://www.ps260.com/elfollador/Scary%20Titanic.mov - Titanic
http://www.ps260.com/Trailer/westsidestorytrailer_small.mov - West Side Story
http://www.transbuddha.com/index.php/buddha/comments/5330/ - Psycho
and by far my favorite:
http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov - The Shining

Apparently every year there is a "trailer editing" competitition to see who can most creatively re-edit movie trailers. I heard a story about this on NPR once. Apparently someone had re-edited the "Sound of Music" trailer to make the movie sound like a horror show. It was really funny. I'll try to find that one, but in the meantime, enjoy these.

Incomplete

I forgot to wear a watch today. I feel so naked. Thus my wardrobe and self image for the day are incomplete.

"Lost" Faith

Without a doubt, "Lost" is the best show on television. Sure, some could argue that is a matter of opinion. I choose to believe it as fact. No other show is as entertaining. No other show leaves you week after week wondering, "what the crap?" Each episode leaves you concocting crazy theories that one week later are proven false. This week, we're theorizing who are the others? Who is Desmond waiting for? How long has he been there? How did Jin get back to the island? Are there any other survivors alive? What's with the clock counting down from 108? Etc. And basically week after week we have no idea what is going on.

That is why we love it. We have no idea what is going on. Somewhere (perhaps locked securely in the brilliant minds of JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof) there is a bigger picture, a larger plot, a much larger story to tell. Week to week we only see small portions of the whole. And those portions pretty much leave us fantastically frustrated and more intrigued and confused. We love the mystery. So week to week we come back and watch, again wondering "what the crap?" We have no idea what is going on and what to expect, but we sure love to watch and experience.

Now for the part where I get all spiritual on you. Isn't this a lot like our own spiritual journey? And yet, I treat it so differently. As a follower of Jesus I have to believe that there is a much larger story at play then just the small part I see. His ways are higher, He is doing more than I can imagine. And yet I am so consumed with the small part involving me. I too make my theories about just what the Lord is doing in my life. Maybe He's doing this... maybe that. Maybe he wants me to do this... maybe that. Maybe He's leading me here... maybe not. Why did He do that... why isn't He doing this? Etc.

But the bottom line is, I have no idea what the Lord is doing. And yes, often I respond to Him with "what the crap?" Just like in watching "Lost" I want to know the larger story and I want to know where it's going. And just like watching "Lost" I am left to trust the writer. Trust that the Author of the story knows exactly what He is doing. Trust that He is good. Trust that it's still going to be quite an adventure and that it's OK if I'm clueless.

But here's the difference. I enjoy the mystery on "Lost." That's part of what makes it great. I embrace the mystery. But not in life. I hate the mystery. I hate not knowing. I hate not being in control. And yet, that is what a life of faith is all about. Not knowing, not being in control and trusting anyway. Having no idea how we're travelling, but coming along for the ride anyway because I trust the driver. OK, enough stupid analogies. The point is, our life of faith is one of adventure. And we should embrace it and enjoy the mystery that trusting the Lord brings. We should be excited to see what the Lord has for us just around that next corner. We should greatly anticipate each new episode. We should embrace the mystery in life and our life of faith, or we might just end up lost.

They're Married, I'm Not

Recently some comments have been made to me that have made me feel burdened by my singleness. Yes, I'm 32, yes I'm completely single and yes, there are no potential dates on the horizon. Normally, I'm OK with that. For the most part I find it pretty easy to pretend that I really enjoy my singless. I say pretend because while I seem to be enjoying myself and my life, I would trade it in a heartbeat to be married to, for lack of a better word, my soulmate. But really, life is generally pretty good.

Until someone says to you, "how many people do you know that are getting married and you're not?" You see, I have a lot of friends who have either recently married or are getting married in the near future. I even recently went to 2 weddings on the same day. And for the most part, I enjoyed them.

But as is expected, at a wedding I inevitably find myself thinking, "wow, what would this be like if it were me?" And then I glance around the room as if looking through a scope to find potential targets to receive my love. Of course, then I chastise myself and force myself to focus on the ceremony and shove all thought of lonliness and spinsterhood aside until I'm back in my car, alone.

Let's face it, for anyone like me, occassionally, being single makes me sad. Admitting that I have dreams and longings that are unmet makes me sad. Realizing that there is no guarantee that those dreams and longings will be met this side of eternity makes me sad. Thinking that I will continue to be the less respected member of my family (because whether or not that's true, that is what feels true) makes me sad. Thinking I may never have a family of my own, makes me sad. Realizing I will always have to provide for myself, makes me sad. And on and on the list can go.

So what do I do with the sadness and deep emotion being single occasionally brings to me? It seems these days all the popular books on the topic seem to say that if I stay busy enough with friends or dates from internet services, etc. I won't have time to dwell on and think about how single I am and won't experience the sadness because I'll be having so much fun. I find fault with this. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for spending time with friends and having a good time and to a certain extent, that is true. While I'm having fun with friends I generally do not dwell on the fact that I long to be married and am not.

But neither am I afriad of those deep emotions that those thoughts and feelings bring. In fact, when they arise, I tend to embrace them. I have found that I need to go there in my heart. I need to feel the hurt and pain of unmet desires and dreams. I need to feel the sadness. I need to occassionally cry. I need to go there and let those emotions drive me to the feet of God.

Yes, I know emotions can lead me astray. But I also know that my emotions can lead me to the heart of God. I need to cry out my unmet desires so he can softly whisper, "there are pleasures forever at My right hand.... I open up MY hand and satisfy every living thing.... I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever.... your flesh and your heart may fail, but I am near....boldly approach My throne and receive mercy and grace...." And on He goes.

I need my emotions to lead me, sad and broken, to Him. Then I can taste and see that He is good. Then I am hungry and thirsty for more of Him. Then I can surrender.

So while I don't really welcome comments like the one above (I certainly don't look forward to and pursue these melancholy moments), I am willing to feel the sadness. It reminds me that I love Jesus. Deeply. And that He is enough.

I once had a friend tell me that while she was single, she felt like the Lord really met her in deep, special ways. And that while He still meets her now that she is married, it's different from her single days. Somehow, I can see why. My singleness has led to sweet times with Jesus. For that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my singleness.

Not that I want to stay single or anything. It might be fun to find out how the Lord works in married peoples lives....

Naked or Really Naked?

Today a friend of mine commented that sometimes when she forgets to wear her watch, she just feels naked. Though riveted by the conversation, I began to ponder that. I've felt that way. Perhaps we all have. We get somewhere for the day only to realize we forgot our watch, or for ladies, perhaps all of our jewelry, something that makes us feel completely put together. And somehow, again maybe just for the ladies, whatever it is we have forgotten is inexplicably linked to our self esteem for the day. Without that item, something just isn't right and somehow our shields are down and we're exposed to the world.

But then I started thinking more. The phrase, "I feel naked" is kind of funny to me. Do we really feel naked if we forget to wear our watch? I think not. I think that if I were standing around the lunch table butt naked in front of my co-workers I would feel a lot different than if I were just watchless. In fact, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even matter if I was wearing a watch or not. All of my physical insecurities would be out there for all at the lunch table to see, I would be known more than I ever have been, and I'm pretty sure lunch would be over. So I guess there really is a difference between naked and really naked. One is perhaps just a funny way of saying, "I don't feel complete today." The other is totally exposed, the good the bad and the ugly, out there for all to see.

Sometimes I feel like this is how we in the church treat vulnerabiltiy and community. We all long for it, but we don't really know how to have it. And the thought of really being known, though one of our deepest desires, is also our greatest fear. And we're consumed with the thought of "what would they really think if they really knew me?" And so we protect ourselves and either refrain from any vulnerablity or are vulnerable just enough to communicate to others that we don't have it all together, we're slightly naked. And we feel good about that little bit we exposed and the rest that we've managed to keep hidden.

Yet, it seems to me we are called to be fully naked and exposed in true community. How else can the body act like the body to the body if we strive to hide our sins, struggles, insecurities, needs, etc. Holiness and hiding have nothing in common. To learn, grow, love, forgive, and experience Christ in community we must become comfortable with being appropriately "naked" with each other. Yes, that does lead to some uncomfortable moments. But true community is OK with the uncomfortableness.

So maybe a little nakedness around the lunch table is what we need. And the way I see it, if we're all naked, then it's not so awkward if I am too. I guess all this is to say, true community is only found in nudist groups. Figuratively speaking of course.