Lazy Love

With my last post I concluded that because of my own average view of myself, I need Jesus to woo me. I need Him to pursue me. I need Him to convince me of my inner and outer beauty. I've come to realize that what I really want is Him to do all the work in this relationship.

I'm seeing this as a pattern in my life. As a kid, I wanted to play piano, I just didn't want to practice (damn that "Chariots of Fire" song). I wanted to be an archeologist (go Indiana Jones!), I just didn't want to study what I called "all that science stuff." In college I wanted to be an actress (sometimes still do), but decided that sounded like too much work. And even now, I want to get in shape, be fit, eat healthy, but don't want to exercise (I hate it and would rather be slapped in the face).

It seems I don't want to work for the things I really want. I want to know Jesus intimately, as my lover, but don't want it to take my time and effort. Obviously, that's not much of a relationship. If I were married and my husband treated me like that, I would be deeply hurt. If I tried to seduce him and love him and he just didn't have time for me, the wound would be deep. I don't know why I treat Jesus that way. And I really don't know why He keeps pursuing me.

This past week or so, I have had one thought randomly coming to my mind over and over. Driving down the road listening to Christmas songs I hear a still, small voice saying, "I want your heart." Putting gas in my car I hear, "I want your heart." Sitting in church hearing a talk on something completely other than all this, again I hear, "I want your heart." I think I'm beginning to believe He wants my heart. All of it.

He wants me fully engaged and surrendered in this relationship. He wants me participating. He wants me to be as giddy about Him as He is about me. He wants all of my defenses down. He wants me to let go of my heart, and the fear that keeps my iron grip around it, and give it all to Him. He wants me.

Wow, He wants me. For me to understand the depths of His love for me, I have to participate. I have to be fully engaged. And as He slowly, patiently, gently woos my heart, my grip is beginning to loosen.

"I must arise now and go about the city; In the streets and in the squares I must seek Him whom my soul loves. I sought Him but did not find Him. The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me, and I said, "Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?" Scarcely had I left them when I found Him whom my soul loves; I held on to Him and would not let Him go..."
Song of Solomon 3:2-4