Downton Abbey and Me

I am a fan of “Downton Abbey.” And really, I might be a bit obsessed. For some reason, this show is sticking with me long after the TV has been turned off. Partly perhaps it’s a longing for the bygone years when men were gentlemen, ladies were, well…ladies, honor mattered and life just seemed, not less complex, but less cluttered (or at least that’s my perception – often I attribute clutter to modern technology). I’ve even taken a few very silly “which Downton Abbey character are you?” online tests. I’m the same character every time – Lady Mary Crawley. Here’s what the last one said: You are Lady Mary Crawley

You are pretty, a bit of a flirt, proud, and introspective. You yearn to be free and find lasting love

I confess it is this character that has resonated the most. In some ways I can relate to her. Well not the pretty and flirty part (seriously – I’ve got no game in the flirty world). But Lady Mary has all the outward appearance of being strong, confident and self-assured. She usually doesn’t care what people think of her and rarely does what she is told, even when she knows she should. Every time she puts on a strong face in front of others, I can relate. Every time she hides her true feelings, I can relate. Every time she hides her tears, I can relate. Every time she relies on duty or logic at the sacrifice of her heart, I can relate. I can even relate, at least mentally, to a disastrous night she once had with a Turk. And as the test above says, I am proud and introspective and yearn to be free and find lasting love. That is Mary. It is also me.

Yes, I know it is a fictional character. Honestly it feels silly that I’ve spent so much time thinking about it. But maybe it’s not time wasted. It’s actually making me wonder if Jesus has something in this for me. But what? I think to answer that, I’m going to have to be unlike Mary and actually be vulnerable. Actually Mary does have moments of real vulnerability (one coming up soon – I’ve seen some spoilers!). So here is a moment for me.

I guess what is resonating the most with me is Mary’s longing to marry Matthew, the only man she has ever really loved. But even before it was defined as that, it was just her longing to love and be loved that first caught my heart. That is the deepest desire of my heart. It weighs on me heavily and often, more than I’ve ever admitted to anyone. It affects me more than I’ve ever admitted. I have never made known the depths of my occasional loneliness. And the fact that I’ve NEVER really dated doesn’t help. Just makes me wonder one of two things – what is wrong with me and what kind of a God am I serving who creates me with this desire and then withholds it. And honestly that leaves me angry and hurt and disappointed. Of course my head can correct my theology there. But unfortunately my heart doesn’t give a damn what my head thinks.

I’ve had 3 major crushes in adulthood. One with a guy who didn’t find me attractive and pretty much said so (which is wounding for sure). One with a guy who was never interested and never knew I had a crush on him. They are both married with kids now. And one with Donald Miller, which is probably more fantasy than anything. Especially since we’ve never met and he doesn’t know I exist. OK, that’s not technically true. I heard him speak once and shook his hand and was so smitten all I could say was, “big fan.” Yes, it was my “I carried a watermelon?!” moment.

And let’s talk about some scripture. Psalms says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” It basically says that same thing in several places. I’ve always heard that explained that if you delight yourself in the Lord that your desires would change and match His will for you. That has always bothered me simply because that is not what the passage says. It says He will give me the desires of my heart. This desire of mine to be married I believe IS from Him. I didn’t create it, He created it in me. And scripture even has examples of the Lord granting the desires of people’s hearts. Hannah. Sarah. Ruth. Solomon. Esther. Which still leaves me wondering, “seriously Lord, WTF?”

And don’t try to correct my theology here or tell me how long some of those characters waited or what they had to go through, etc. My head can already do that. Again it’s a heart issue and as before mentioned my heart doesn’t give a damn about my head.

All of this has been on my mind pretty heavily lately. That and a little life/career stuff, no big deal, right? It’s all made me feel very weak in my faith, honestly. I’ve often found myself questioning how committed I am to following Jesus. I think, “look where it’s gotten me – lonely and stuck. Maybe this is as good as it gets.”

But then this morning in church I heard His still small voice speak to my heart. “You’re stronger than you think you are, Jana. When you are weak, I am strong. Who will rescue you from yourself? I will. Because I love you. I know you’re heart and I love your heart. Trust me. Trust me and let me be strong for you. This is NOT as good as it gets. I have so much more for you. Just trust Me and rest in my strength.”

There is much more life and career stuff that plays into all this too. It’s not all about finding love and being loved. But one thing is for sure. When Jesus speaks to my heart like that, I hear it. And I want to believe it.  And need more of it.

Am I Creative?

I haven’t wanted to write lately. Well, that’s not entirely true. I want to write. I want to write for a living maybe. I want to be successful at it and be able to support myself at it. But every day I find a reason to avoid it or a way to distract myself from it. So I have to ask – what do I fear? Admittedly I’m in the midst of a creative struggle, one that’s lasted for years I’m discovering. I feel my heart is creative. I feel that’s where my passions are. I feel I have a creative side that has never been nurtured and never developed. I feel there is a whole side of me that has never made its presence known. Maybe there’s a “whole-er” me. This side of me that I believe exists is tied to a creativity I just feel I have. Who is the real me? Does my fear lay in that question? I think I’m a creative, but have nothing to prove it or to show for it. Do I fear that maybe, in spite of my felt passions, I’m not creative after all? Or am I afraid that I am creative, but will never do anything significant with it? Just like my love and desire to act. I’ve had that desire since I was in the 7th grade and discovered it in an elective drama class at school. I believe God made me with this desire. But nothing has ever come of it. I’ve had a strong desire to be married too, but nothing has come of that either. Perhaps I’m just wallowing in disappointment. So here’s the real question. Do I not try because I believe nothing will ever become of it? Do I fear and perhaps on some level believe that God has created me a certain way just to selfishly remind me that I need Him? Is God that kind of God? So when it comes down to it, my creative struggle is at some level, a theological one. Who do I really believe God is? I’ve bitched and complained to Him that He made me this way and angrily wondered why He would make me with certain desires, never to grant them. I’ve yelled. I’ve shouted. I’ve cried. I’ve begged and pleaded. I’ve also heard His small whisper to me saying, “Yes I made you this way. And I don’t make mistakes and I don’t play games. Stop complaining, look ahead and take some risks.” OK. But what risks? I don’t even know where to begin. My story needs an inciting incident. I need God to show me what kind of God He really is. But I think I need to take some risks for Him to do that. And I’m pretty sure that as soon as He does show me a glimpse of who He is, all my bitching and complaining will seem foolish and fall away. Like in “Till We Have Faces” by CS Lewis, my heart will discover that HE is the answer. I long for that day. In the meantime, well, writing this I suppose is a start.

A Quiet Gentleness

How do you hear from God? I’ve been wondering that a lot lately. Sometimes I feel like I’ve forgotten how to hear Him. Has it been so long that I don’t recognize His voice? Perhaps I’ve just forgotten how to listen.

All of these options could be at play. Sometimes it seems like it’s been so long since I’ve really heard from Him that I wonder if He cares. Of course, intellectually, I know that’s not true. I know He cares. I know He speaks. It’s my heart that struggles. I long to hear from Him, to hear anything.

Recently I went to a cabin in the woods of East Texas to be alone with Him for a few days. I wanted to get rid of distraction – no cell phone coverage, no internet, no cable TV, etc. I took walks in the woods, sat by a lake and rested. I read passages of scripture and parts of books about God’s love and prayer. And still nothing. It was as if I was alone. Really alone.

One day, out of frustration, I decided to keep a list of what I was hearing. Here is my list:

• Birds – several different types, calling in the trees
• Squirrels jumping from tree branch to tree branch
• Trees – pine, cedar, elm and others – groaning and cracking as if to stretch stiff limbs to the sky
• Leaves falling. You can actually hear leaves falling from the canopy to the ground.
• Insects – all sorts – locusts, bees, flies, crickets
• Deer – hidden in the trees stomping their feet, eating the grass, running away
• The rain – slowly arriving, announcing its presence, and then building to a crescendo before retreating again
• Fish jumping
• Turtles, quietly and peacefully poking their heads thru the smooth glass surface of the water
• The crinkling leaves as the biggest scorpion I’ve ever scene walks across them (I went the other direction).
• Frogs
• The distant barking of dogs
• The wind as it gently moves through the trees

All these things I heard and yet still wondered, “where was the Lord?” Ironic isn’t it, how sometimes we miss what is so obviously in front of us? I think I expected a dramatic “aha” moment (thank you Oprah) with Jesus that would drastically change the trajectory of my life. I missed it. He arrived in the quiet gentleness of my surroundings, the quiet grandeur of His creation. I expected to be swept off my feet. Instead I got a gentle caress of my cheek, as if to say, “I’m here, and I love you. Hang in there my love.”

I wanted drama. I got intimacy. He really does know what I want.

Driving thru Yellowstone

Several years ago I was on vacation with my friend in Yellowstone National Park. Neither of us had been there before and sadly, we had just one day to sort of “drive thru.” I don’t recommend that. If you ever go to Yellowstone, plan to stay a few days. Driving thru in one day is sort of like flying over Greenland and then claiming you’ve been there.

Anyway, we had a fun day of seeing just about as much as you can see in one day. Rivers, mountains, elk, buffalo, moose…even a bald eagle. And just as the sun was setting and we were about to head out of the park we saw one last sign. “Little Canyon of Yellowstone ==>” We looked at each other wondering if we should rush to see some little canyon before sunset. What the heck, we figured. So we turned right, parked and got out of the car.

We didn’t expect much. We slowly got out of the car and began to walk up to the observation deck. That’s when it happened. With each step closer our jaws dropped just a little further. It was breathtaking. Stunning. Majestic. Glorious. There was the roaring waterfall. The steep cliffs crashing down to the raging river. The sun hitting the cliffs giving the rocks a vibrant yellow and orange glow as if aflame. Words and even a picture fail to really describe the moment. My friend and I just stood there and stared for a long few moments, trying our best to absorb all we could in this holy moment.

I’ve been thinking about this memory a lot lately. It reminds me to anticipate the glorious in life. Life is hard. It is not often what one hopes and dreams it will be. There are disappointments. And sometimes you’ve just kind of operated for so long just doing what you do, that you fail to notice you are disappointed or that something is just not right. This has been me for the last few years. Frustrated. Disappointed. Sad. And not really noticing it. Kind of like driving around through Yellowstone, noticing the obvious (like the buffalo right beside the road), anticipating nothing divine. And yet, in sore need of the divine.

“Be still” is the phrase stuck in my head. “Be still and know that I am God.” I find this discipline difficult if not impossible these days. I blame it on modern and convenient technology. It has evaporated my attention span. If God doesn’t show up or answer me in 30 seconds, which is way longer than it takes my internet home page to come up, then I’m frustrated and done. I don’t know how to be still anymore.

But Jesus did it all the time. And while he didn’t have the modern technology that we have, he had plenty of things and people demanding His attention, offering distraction. Disciples worried about their next meal, people wanting to hear him teach, fisherman needing a little help with their catch, people wanting to be healed, religious people trying to trap him, etc. And yet there are several examples in scripture of Jesus sneaking away, away from the crowd, the noise to pray and be still.

It is possible. And I think in those moments where we can finally be still, He likes to show us a little more of who He is. Not that it’s a formula to fix the crap of life. By no means. It’s simply an invitation to commune and anticipate.

Life is still occasionally hard and disappointing. But that day at Yellowstone, as I stood there soaking it all in, I learned a little bit more about the Creator. I saw His beauty, His creativity, His power, His glory. And it was breathtaking. I think He longs to take our breaths away every chance He gets. And I for one, need Him too.

A Historic Day For All

Six weeks ago we watched as our country inaugurated the first African American as President of the United States. It was a hugely historic moment. Our emotions were stirred when we saw civil rights icons like Congressman John Lewis, weep as he witnessed what was once only a dream, become a reality. It was a moving, stirring day.

As I watched President Obama take the oath of office, I kept recalling the day a few years ago that I walked through the Lorraine Motel, where MLK was shot. It is now the Civil Rights Museum. My mind replayed like a video the images of slavery, of discrimination, violence and freedom marches, etc. It was a day for all those who struggled and were oppressed in ways I will never understand. And yet, I celebrated too. It was a day for all of us. It was a day for humanity. At the very least it was a day to put aside our politics.

However, that is what I want to write about. I am proud to say I voted for President Obama. But coming from a very conservative family and being an evangelical (although I don’t think I would really use that term anymore), I feel like I need to offer a defense of why I voted for the Democrat, and not the Republican. And in this process, I’ve also made some observations about the evangelical right that disturb me a little. So, this is my defense and my observations, not necessarily in that order.

I was raised in a very conservative, Christian family and environment where it was obvious, most of the time, that God was a Republican. The Republican’s were the ones who held to the moral values that we southern conservatives identified with being biblical. They were the ones who believed in the sanctity of life, sanctity of marriage, sanctity of the biblical (not) theme of pulling yourselves up by your bootstraps, the sanctity of …well most things conservative. And it was assumed that anyone who didn’t vote Republican probably wasn’t too close to Jesus and probably had some bad theology somewhere. The “other side”, the Democrats, were the enemy. And in this environment, it was natural to fear the enemy. I mean, after all, if God was a Republican, logic follows that they are of the Devil. And what would happen if the Devil were in charge? That would be the beginning of the end. And so we feared the Democrats and feared the world they would lead us to. So the Democrats, those “god-forsaken liberals” were not people to understand and work with, they were an enemy to defeat. Somewhere along the way, we conveniently forgot about Jesus’ command to love your enemies. Oh well.

But God is not a Republican. Nor is He a Democrat. He is God. He is bigger than all of this and more worthy to be praised for it. What I have found as I have grown, read, listened, experienced, etc. is that life is never as black and white as we would want it to be. Life is messy. The world is a fallen, messy place on both sides of the aisle. And in this context, there is good and bad on both sides. We can all make rational, maybe even biblical arguments as to why we, as followers of Christ, should vote this way or that. We must all vote our conscience. To me, there is nothing wrong with either choice. It is just that, a choice.

But being a somewhat more liberal evangelical (which I promise is NOT an oxymoron) here is why I chose to vote for a Democrat - simply because, I personally agree with more on their platform than I do with the Republican platform. Here are some examples and I’ll try to be brief (and no doubt speak in generalities that won’t be true across the board).

• I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe that this issue extends far beyond just abortion (we’ll get to that in a minute). I personally believe that sanctity of life issues extend to homelessness, poverty, healthcare, the environment, as well as how we treat prisoners of war and whether or not it’s OK to torture them, and I believe on most of these issues, the Democrats are stronger. If life is sacred, and we are all equal humans created in His image, then we must be about all of these issues. If you wonder where the Lord stands on these issues, do a key word study on “poor” or “oppressed.”

Now obviously abortion is a huge issue and I do wish that the Democrats were stronger here. I hate abortion, I think it is murder, and I want it to end. But I also believe that while the right is dedicated (rightly so) to fighting abortion in the judicial and legislative realm, the right also ignores social issues (poverty, lack of education, etc.) that cause unwanted pregnancies and abortion in the first place. I want the right to succeed in making abortion illegal or at the least, much harder to get. But I fear that that day will never come. Abortion is sadly too much a part of our broken culture. So in my opinion, we must also do everything we can to decrease the number of abortions sought, which means we must deal with all of the social issues that send someone to the clinic. The fewer unwanted pregnancies there are, the fewer abortions there will be. The Democrats have a plan to decrease the number of abortions significantly over the next 10 years. And in our broken culture, I believe their plan will save more lives in the long run.

• I believe that the environment and climate are in trouble and we must take drastic steps to reduce the damage we have done, as well as to ensure our children have clean air and water. Even if global warming is not true (I believe it is – actions have consequences) I believe we still need vast improvement in being better stewards of the earth the Lord gave us. God gave us a mandate to rule and preserve the earth, not plunder and drain it of all of its resources. We are a consumer driven society that is ruining the world in which we live. Believing in the end times and that “its all going to burn anyway” is no excuse for waste and irresponsibility in the meantime. I’m convinced that is not what God had in mind. For more ideas and thoughts on this, check out the great book “Serve God Save the Planet” by Matthew Sleeth.

• I believe that everyone is entitled to healthcare and that if it were affordable, everyone who wants it would have it. I believe that a healthcare system can be devised that maintains our level of excellence and competitiveness, while being affordable for everyone. I’ve experience socialized medicine. I don’t want that. But I believe a great middle ground can be found. I hope I’m right.

• I believe that “spreading the wealth,” as Obama’s tax plan was called by the right, is actually a biblical concept. Here’s where I get it. In 2 Corinthians 8 Paul is encouraging the Corinthian church in their giving and says this, “For this is not for the ease of others and for your affliction, but by way of equality-at this present time your abundance being a supply for their need, so that their abundance also may become a supply for your need, that there may be equality;”

Now there is no time to exegete this passage here. But it is a good one to chew on. And there seems to be a biblical sense of equality here that in my opinion, is not on display in our current economics. The Bible says “to whom much has been given, much is required.” I believe this applies to our finances as well.

• And finally, I wholeheartedly agree with what President Obama said in his inaugural address regarding the size of government. I no longer believe that the question should be, “ is government to small or too big?” The question should be, “is government needed and how much?” Were it is needed, it should be. Where it is not, it should be removed. In this sense, I think the President is on the right track.


Now I could go on a little further, but I won’t. What I’ve written above is enough. And I know some will say I am naïve, or using passages out of context (I would argue the principal still applies), or haven’t thought things through well, etc. That's fine. I'm not claiming I'm right. And I'm willing to be wrong. This is just some of the reasoning behind why I made the choice I made. If you made a different choice, excellent. Let’s discuss. You are not my enemy.

And that is my final admonishment to the evangelical right, of which in many ways I still fall in line. The other side is not your enemy. Our enemy is not of flesh and blood, right? As followers of Christ are we not supposed to be known by our love? Can we seek to love those who disagree with us and open up honest conversations? I believe we can. Let us hold fast our convictions. But let us not hold so dogmatically to our persuasions and opinions that not only do we refuse to even listen or engage anything else, but we resort to fear tactics ("Obama is a muslim who hates christians and families!") and false judgements ("God hates fags!") to convince people we are right. When that happens, the church becomes known in the world as a place of judgement and in my opinion that does more harm for the Gospel than good. Let us approach anything with love first. I'm not saying we should avoid truth, not at all. But if we lead with love and humility I think we will end up with more of a platform to talk about truth, even in politics. Let us not live in fear of each other and the future anymore. Let us love. Let us seek to understand each other. Let us humbly be willing to listen. Let us work humbly together for a future that is honoring to our God. And yes, let us hope.



PS – Sorry for the length here. I guess it’s been too long since I’ve written and just had a lot to say.

Valet Bicycles, Botox and Bald Eagles

OK, I know it has been forever since my last post. So sorry. But there has been a lot of transition in my life over the last 3 months and needless to say, things have been a bit hectic. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have things to write about because, believe me, I do. One can’t travel to California and back twice without having something to write about. So, upon my return, if anyone is still reading, we’ll begin there.

One of the transitions I’ve made is a new job. More about that later. But for this post, you should know that I work for a company that makes films, among other things. Right now we are busy with several different documentary projects. It’s been a crazy 3-4 months, but also a lot of fun.

To make these films we have had to travel to LA on 2 separate occasions. These were my first trips back to LA since I went as a child on vacation with my Dad, step-mom and sister. That was the year 1984. I know that because it was also the year that the Olympics were in LA (Mary Lou Retton, Lionel Richie at the closing ceremonies – what more could you want?) and we happened to be there just 2 or so weeks AFTER the Olympics. But Olympic stuff was still everywhere. Thus, it was late August of 1984. And I guess I should mention that I had a “Lil Orphan Annie” curly perm cut mullet style. What can I say? My mother still reigned over my hair. In retrospect, I looked like a 10 year old, curly headed lesbian (is it wrong to say that?). My tube socks probably didn’t help.

So after all these years it was actually fun to return to LA, even though travel wreaks havoc on my diet. There was a lot I got to do, other than just work of course. And even some of that was fun. We did get to film interviews on the sets of “Greys Anatomy” and “The Best Damned Sports Show Ever.” That was pretty cool. And I got to hang out with a friend who just recently moved there and she took me to a Dodger Game. That was pretty awesome. And Catalina Island is pretty cool too. For that day, me and a couple of others rented a tiny motor boat and rode around the island. We had a couple of those sacred nature moments when we spotted a baby seal on the shore, just to have it’s mom poke it’s head up about 10 feet in front of us and just stare at us for a moment. And then, a few minutes later, we had a young, bald eagle circle us several times before the damn seagulls chased it away. Pretty cool stuff.

But there is also, what I like to call, the plastic side of LA. Like, the elderly man pushing a stroller that is probably holding his children, NOT his grandchildren. Or when we drove through Beverly Hills and Bel Air at what was apparently quitting time for all the maids, as they were being dropped off by their employers at the bus stops. Then there was the paparazzi chasing someone (I didn’t recognize her) as she shopped on Rodeo Drive. And not to mention all the botoxed, face lifted, big hair, plastic people who refuse to look their age. And then my personal favorite, the sign outside a restaurant that said, “Valet Bicycle Parking.” Seriously?! Do we need valet parking for a bicycle? Isn’t the point of riding your bike make valet parking a bit ironic. Only in California.

So, what is the point of all this? Well for one, it sure is good to be home. Secondly, if you want to people watch, LA is a great place (I didn’t even mention the hippie acrobat at Santa Monica beach). But really, I think I’ve learned that I am quick to judge things by their appearances. What was an amusing sort of game, can also be a hurtful pattern. Not one I want to become a habit for sure.

I think I need a few more of those moments like with the seal or the bald eagle, in the peaceful calm, that take my breath away, interrupt the mayhem and cause me to slow down and hear His still, small voice. Perhaps in that quiet solitude, I’ll learn to love like Him and not judge.

The Nerd Within Us All

OK, recently I divulged to you my secret like of Battlestar Galactica. It’s a good show, I admit it (although for those of you who are fans and watch it – they better get back to fighting Cylons. The show isn’t as good without the Cylons. There is such a thing as too much character development. Still a good show though).

Having divulged this, my question is now this: why do we try so hard to hide the nerd within us? We’re all a bit nerdy in some way in my estimation. Why not just own it and come out with it. Wouldn’t it be great and very entertaining if the inner nerd within us all was a part of the daily persona we show to everyone? Talk about authenticity. And that’s what we all want, right? Authentic community? Of course, that’s also what we’re fiercely afraid of, but that’s another blog article all together.

I think sometimes when we talk or consider authenticity, we do so only in the category of “sharing our struggles, our sins.” We define being vulnerable with someone as equal to sharing all of our crap with them. And therefore, authenticity and vulnerability become these monster size thing to do. Of course, I don’t want to take away from that kind of vulnerability. It is needed and biblical and definitely is where unconditional love and grace can be found.

But what if authentic community involved sharing all of our quirky, fun nerdy-ness without apology to our friends as well. I think that would be a blast. And I know 2 pastors who would no longer have to hide their likes of Justin Timberlake and Pink, respectively (I’m not naming names, don’t ask).

So, in the spirit of encouraging authentic nerdy-ness amongst us all, here is my list of top 10 things that make me a nerd.

1. I like Battlestar Galactica
2. I like Celine Dion – I don’t own her music and probably never will, but when her song is on the radio and I’m by myself, I sing like I’m on a Vegas stage, baby.
3. I love looking at maps – not for knowing where I’m going, I just like looking at maps (I am very good with directions though and can navigate a foreign city like nobody’s business).
4. I like watching documentary films.
5. I know lots of useless facts and trivia – which may not sound nerdy, but definitely is when I quote one in public (unless I’m playing Trivial Pursuit).
6. I’m Chandler Bing – I get uncomfortable in emotional moments and tend to crack a joke – which is rarely appropriate and leaves people feeling awkward and me inwardly calling myself a dork.
7. I’m Monica Geller – I’m a neat freak and my roommates would probably say I can be a bit of a nazi neat freak, though I would disagree (and yes, for those of you wondering, you do rinse the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher, first you cleanse, then you sterilize).
8. I’m good with electronics. I can hook most things up and run things without looking at directions. Most girls would never admit to it.
9. I’m flat footed and my feet often hurt.
10. I have to use an asthma inhaler when I run – which shouldn’t be nerdy since it’s a medical necessity, but it just is.

OK, now it’s your turn. Play along in the comments. I want to know your nerdy-ness. Don’t hide anymore. Embrace the Urkel inside.