Missing Him

It's almost Easter. It seems every year this holiday kind of sneaks up on me. I go to church on Easter Sunday, celebrate the resurrection and then hardly give it a second thought. But not this year. This year I want to pause, I want to contemplate, I want to worship.

Interesting that I feel disconnected from the Lord this week. I'm finding it hard to enter into this holy week with Him. I wonder if this is how the disciples felt the more it became clear that His kingdom was not what they had thought it to be?

In my reading through scripture I've been struck by how clear it is that the disciples just didn't get what Jesus' kingdom was all about. He told them it was time to go to Jerusalem and that he would die, and I think they stopped listening at "go to Jerusalem." So a mom of 2 disciples comes and asks if her boys can sit at His right and at His left in His kingdom. I can hear the jeering of the other disciples even now. After 3 years together and witnessing untold miracles, they didn't understand His kingdom.

It seems the disciples had a knack for only hearing what they wanted to (and yes, now I do have that Lisa Loeb song in my head). They had their own presuppositions, heard what they wanted, at times displayed little faith, and therefore, almost missed everything Jesus was really doing.
This sounds familiar. I think I do the same thing. I want to follow Him and surrender to Him, but I want to do it my way. Not only am I unwilling to count the costs, I create a way of "following" Jesus where there are no costs involved. And I'm missing Him.

Actually, this week where I strangely feel far from Him, I just miss Him.

Happy Easter. The Lord is Risen.