Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t really felt like doing much of anything lately. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this unmotivated before. Here’s the deal. I don’t really like much about myself right now. Perhaps I’m being too introspective because I just turned 33 (the year of our Lord upon His assumption, as my roommate said) and my life looks nothing like I want it to. Perhaps I’m just believing lies. Whatever the case, that’s how I feel.
In fact, here is what feels true. I’m now past the age that men find attractive. I haven’t had a date with a viable option in over… well, high school wasn’t really a viable option either was it? Therefore, there must be something wrong with me (that is what Henry Cloud would say anyway, and with no evidence to the contrary, I’m inclined to agree with him). I am in a community group with a lot of people who like me, but none who really want to know me. I’m never invited to do social things with folks from that group (unless it’s a general community group event). Obviously, I lack true community and don’t know where to find it. Again, something must be wrong with me. I’m in a job I’m not motivated to do and don’t know how to change. I’m tired of the financial struggle of being on staff. I have a shallow walk with the Lord that I don’t know what to do about and I struggle with sins that I shouldn’t. I have no self-control or discipline, am lazy, critical and judgmental. And let’s not forget arrogant as all get out. I feel like a failure before the Lord in every way. It’s as if the enemy is ravishing me, and I’m powerless to fight back. This is what feels true.
Now before you say that I’m being hard on myself and start sending me sappy notes of encouragement, let’s get some perspective. Most of what I don’t like about myself is what I see and you don’t – my own inner sin. And it is right to be vexed by it. In fact, it should probably trouble me more than it does and the feeling will pass sooner than it should. And yet, I feel defeated and beaten at every turn. How do I change? How do I let the Lord change me?
But my sin is only part of what I don’t like. I don’t like my life. Now I know that sounds like I’m about ready to slit my wrists. That’s not the case at all. I enjoy living. What I mean is, I don’t like the externals in my life. There are three things here that vex me. First, I don’t like my stage of life. I hate being “the singleton” of the family. At 25 it was OK. At 33 it’s demoralizing. I feel less admired and respected because I’m not married. And the loneliness, in all honesty, sucks. I wonder if I’ll ever understand intimacy with the Lord without understanding it in a relationship here.
Secondly, I don’t like how I look. But that is probably more concerned with my sin and eating and exercising habits. So we’ll move on to number three.
Thirdly, I don’t like my job. I don’t hate my job. I just feel like I’m done with it. I want to contribute something to the Kingdom and don’t feel like I’m doing it here. My passions I feel are absent. And in the midst of my angst, I feel the Lord is being silent. Where are you in my distress, Lord?
Somehow, as a friend reminded me this week, it probably all comes down to me believing in God’s goodness. Do I believe He is good to me, even when the things I would use to define His goodness are absent? How do you define His goodness? I’d like to define it by seeing all of the above “fixed.” But something tells me that is missing the point. Something tells me that His goodness is not primarily found in His acts and blessings, but in He Himself. Goodness is part of His character. He IS good.
So, at the end of all this, perhaps I don’t need more “things.” Perhaps I just need more of Him. Bottom line – He must show me His goodness. Because I’m having a hard time seeing it through all the rain.
