"Lost" Faith

Without a doubt, "Lost" is the best show on television. Sure, some could argue that is a matter of opinion. I choose to believe it as fact. No other show is as entertaining. No other show leaves you week after week wondering, "what the crap?" Each episode leaves you concocting crazy theories that one week later are proven false. This week, we're theorizing who are the others? Who is Desmond waiting for? How long has he been there? How did Jin get back to the island? Are there any other survivors alive? What's with the clock counting down from 108? Etc. And basically week after week we have no idea what is going on.

That is why we love it. We have no idea what is going on. Somewhere (perhaps locked securely in the brilliant minds of JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof) there is a bigger picture, a larger plot, a much larger story to tell. Week to week we only see small portions of the whole. And those portions pretty much leave us fantastically frustrated and more intrigued and confused. We love the mystery. So week to week we come back and watch, again wondering "what the crap?" We have no idea what is going on and what to expect, but we sure love to watch and experience.

Now for the part where I get all spiritual on you. Isn't this a lot like our own spiritual journey? And yet, I treat it so differently. As a follower of Jesus I have to believe that there is a much larger story at play then just the small part I see. His ways are higher, He is doing more than I can imagine. And yet I am so consumed with the small part involving me. I too make my theories about just what the Lord is doing in my life. Maybe He's doing this... maybe that. Maybe he wants me to do this... maybe that. Maybe He's leading me here... maybe not. Why did He do that... why isn't He doing this? Etc.

But the bottom line is, I have no idea what the Lord is doing. And yes, often I respond to Him with "what the crap?" Just like in watching "Lost" I want to know the larger story and I want to know where it's going. And just like watching "Lost" I am left to trust the writer. Trust that the Author of the story knows exactly what He is doing. Trust that He is good. Trust that it's still going to be quite an adventure and that it's OK if I'm clueless.

But here's the difference. I enjoy the mystery on "Lost." That's part of what makes it great. I embrace the mystery. But not in life. I hate the mystery. I hate not knowing. I hate not being in control. And yet, that is what a life of faith is all about. Not knowing, not being in control and trusting anyway. Having no idea how we're travelling, but coming along for the ride anyway because I trust the driver. OK, enough stupid analogies. The point is, our life of faith is one of adventure. And we should embrace it and enjoy the mystery that trusting the Lord brings. We should be excited to see what the Lord has for us just around that next corner. We should greatly anticipate each new episode. We should embrace the mystery in life and our life of faith, or we might just end up lost.

They're Married, I'm Not

Recently some comments have been made to me that have made me feel burdened by my singleness. Yes, I'm 32, yes I'm completely single and yes, there are no potential dates on the horizon. Normally, I'm OK with that. For the most part I find it pretty easy to pretend that I really enjoy my singless. I say pretend because while I seem to be enjoying myself and my life, I would trade it in a heartbeat to be married to, for lack of a better word, my soulmate. But really, life is generally pretty good.

Until someone says to you, "how many people do you know that are getting married and you're not?" You see, I have a lot of friends who have either recently married or are getting married in the near future. I even recently went to 2 weddings on the same day. And for the most part, I enjoyed them.

But as is expected, at a wedding I inevitably find myself thinking, "wow, what would this be like if it were me?" And then I glance around the room as if looking through a scope to find potential targets to receive my love. Of course, then I chastise myself and force myself to focus on the ceremony and shove all thought of lonliness and spinsterhood aside until I'm back in my car, alone.

Let's face it, for anyone like me, occassionally, being single makes me sad. Admitting that I have dreams and longings that are unmet makes me sad. Realizing that there is no guarantee that those dreams and longings will be met this side of eternity makes me sad. Thinking that I will continue to be the less respected member of my family (because whether or not that's true, that is what feels true) makes me sad. Thinking I may never have a family of my own, makes me sad. Realizing I will always have to provide for myself, makes me sad. And on and on the list can go.

So what do I do with the sadness and deep emotion being single occasionally brings to me? It seems these days all the popular books on the topic seem to say that if I stay busy enough with friends or dates from internet services, etc. I won't have time to dwell on and think about how single I am and won't experience the sadness because I'll be having so much fun. I find fault with this. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for spending time with friends and having a good time and to a certain extent, that is true. While I'm having fun with friends I generally do not dwell on the fact that I long to be married and am not.

But neither am I afriad of those deep emotions that those thoughts and feelings bring. In fact, when they arise, I tend to embrace them. I have found that I need to go there in my heart. I need to feel the hurt and pain of unmet desires and dreams. I need to feel the sadness. I need to occassionally cry. I need to go there and let those emotions drive me to the feet of God.

Yes, I know emotions can lead me astray. But I also know that my emotions can lead me to the heart of God. I need to cry out my unmet desires so he can softly whisper, "there are pleasures forever at My right hand.... I open up MY hand and satisfy every living thing.... I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever.... your flesh and your heart may fail, but I am near....boldly approach My throne and receive mercy and grace...." And on He goes.

I need my emotions to lead me, sad and broken, to Him. Then I can taste and see that He is good. Then I am hungry and thirsty for more of Him. Then I can surrender.

So while I don't really welcome comments like the one above (I certainly don't look forward to and pursue these melancholy moments), I am willing to feel the sadness. It reminds me that I love Jesus. Deeply. And that He is enough.

I once had a friend tell me that while she was single, she felt like the Lord really met her in deep, special ways. And that while He still meets her now that she is married, it's different from her single days. Somehow, I can see why. My singleness has led to sweet times with Jesus. For that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my singleness.

Not that I want to stay single or anything. It might be fun to find out how the Lord works in married peoples lives....

Naked or Really Naked?

Today a friend of mine commented that sometimes when she forgets to wear her watch, she just feels naked. Though riveted by the conversation, I began to ponder that. I've felt that way. Perhaps we all have. We get somewhere for the day only to realize we forgot our watch, or for ladies, perhaps all of our jewelry, something that makes us feel completely put together. And somehow, again maybe just for the ladies, whatever it is we have forgotten is inexplicably linked to our self esteem for the day. Without that item, something just isn't right and somehow our shields are down and we're exposed to the world.

But then I started thinking more. The phrase, "I feel naked" is kind of funny to me. Do we really feel naked if we forget to wear our watch? I think not. I think that if I were standing around the lunch table butt naked in front of my co-workers I would feel a lot different than if I were just watchless. In fact, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even matter if I was wearing a watch or not. All of my physical insecurities would be out there for all at the lunch table to see, I would be known more than I ever have been, and I'm pretty sure lunch would be over. So I guess there really is a difference between naked and really naked. One is perhaps just a funny way of saying, "I don't feel complete today." The other is totally exposed, the good the bad and the ugly, out there for all to see.

Sometimes I feel like this is how we in the church treat vulnerabiltiy and community. We all long for it, but we don't really know how to have it. And the thought of really being known, though one of our deepest desires, is also our greatest fear. And we're consumed with the thought of "what would they really think if they really knew me?" And so we protect ourselves and either refrain from any vulnerablity or are vulnerable just enough to communicate to others that we don't have it all together, we're slightly naked. And we feel good about that little bit we exposed and the rest that we've managed to keep hidden.

Yet, it seems to me we are called to be fully naked and exposed in true community. How else can the body act like the body to the body if we strive to hide our sins, struggles, insecurities, needs, etc. Holiness and hiding have nothing in common. To learn, grow, love, forgive, and experience Christ in community we must become comfortable with being appropriately "naked" with each other. Yes, that does lead to some uncomfortable moments. But true community is OK with the uncomfortableness.

So maybe a little nakedness around the lunch table is what we need. And the way I see it, if we're all naked, then it's not so awkward if I am too. I guess all this is to say, true community is only found in nudist groups. Figuratively speaking of course.