Today's View

I'm sitting on the side of a road near Eagle, Colorado and I just can't take my eyes off of the view.  The warm breeze, with a hint of mountain coolness in it, gently blowing the grass in the meadow.  The red tops of the barn like structures.  The rolling hills turning into majestic mountains with just a bit of snow left on the celestial tops.  The soft clouds and the aqua blue sky that mirrors the mountain lake just beyond those hills.  It's simple and yet breathtaking. 

And as I sit here taking in as much of the view as I can, I feel Him whispering to me.  "What does this view say about Me?"

So, allow me in a random chain of thoughts, to see if I can answer that question.  First, this scene tells me that like the rolling field being softly blown by the breeze, He is gentle.  It reminds me of scripture that talks about Him wooing us, bringing us into the wilderness, alluring us and speaking tenderly to us (Hosea 2:14).  He is that still, small voice that gently speaks and tells me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.  I spend a lot of time complaining to God about what I perceive to be lacking in my life.  And yet, like this constant wind (today anyway), He is always there.  No matter how much I neglect Him, He won't go away.  He's either a glutton for punishment or He loves me more than I can imagine.  He is the lover I long for.  I need to pay more attention.

This view also tells me that He's into details when He creates something.  The different trees that create different colors on the hills, the rock that forms the mountains, the birds flying in the distance, even the places the snow refuses to melt reflect His detailed handiwork.  The details seem to be brushed into place with a beautiful and reckless and perfect abandon.  I picture God with a paintbrush, crazily but perfectly throwing the paint down.  Surely He had some awesome music playing when He made this, the strokes of His hands moving to the rhythm of some angelic music with electric guitars.  Or a full orchestra.  I go back and forth here.  Ooh, maybe electric guitar AND full orchestra.  Yes.  This tells me that God is creative.  He knows my whims and fancies.  He understands my unsettled and often fickle heart.  And sometimes what seems random can end up being perfect.  Of course, it's never random to Him.

I think looking at this view, that sometimes God creates things, simply because He likes them.  Maybe those mountains He created were not for me, although I can enjoy them.  Maybe they were just for Him.  Maybe He made them because they bring Him pleasure.  Maybe, like a perfect artist, He creates and then is proud of and loves His creation and it just makes Him happy.

Which brings me to me.  Maybe He's just as proud of me, as His creation, than He is of those mountains.  Maybe I simply bring Him pleasure.  Again, like the perfect artist, He sees me and delights in what He has done. 

And maybe, just maybe, if I thought of things like this, I'd pay a little more attention to the Lover found in the gentle breeze, the still soft Voice.  Perhaps it's time I start listening more.  Perhaps it's time I stop criticizing what His hand has made.  

Of course, let's not forget about His power.  200 miles to the north this same breeze is spreading a fire that is eating up thousands of acres and homes.  But as I look at this view, all I see is beauty in ashes.  Today, I'm dwelling on the beauty.  We'll save the ashes for another day.

Downton Abbey and Me

I am a fan of “Downton Abbey.” And really, I might be a bit obsessed. For some reason, this show is sticking with me long after the TV has been turned off. Partly perhaps it’s a longing for the bygone years when men were gentlemen, ladies were, well…ladies, honor mattered and life just seemed, not less complex, but less cluttered (or at least that’s my perception – often I attribute clutter to modern technology). I’ve even taken a few very silly “which Downton Abbey character are you?” online tests. I’m the same character every time – Lady Mary Crawley. Here’s what the last one said: You are Lady Mary Crawley

You are pretty, a bit of a flirt, proud, and introspective. You yearn to be free and find lasting love

I confess it is this character that has resonated the most. In some ways I can relate to her. Well not the pretty and flirty part (seriously – I’ve got no game in the flirty world). But Lady Mary has all the outward appearance of being strong, confident and self-assured. She usually doesn’t care what people think of her and rarely does what she is told, even when she knows she should. Every time she puts on a strong face in front of others, I can relate. Every time she hides her true feelings, I can relate. Every time she hides her tears, I can relate. Every time she relies on duty or logic at the sacrifice of her heart, I can relate. I can even relate, at least mentally, to a disastrous night she once had with a Turk. And as the test above says, I am proud and introspective and yearn to be free and find lasting love. That is Mary. It is also me.

Yes, I know it is a fictional character. Honestly it feels silly that I’ve spent so much time thinking about it. But maybe it’s not time wasted. It’s actually making me wonder if Jesus has something in this for me. But what? I think to answer that, I’m going to have to be unlike Mary and actually be vulnerable. Actually Mary does have moments of real vulnerability (one coming up soon – I’ve seen some spoilers!). So here is a moment for me.

I guess what is resonating the most with me is Mary’s longing to marry Matthew, the only man she has ever really loved. But even before it was defined as that, it was just her longing to love and be loved that first caught my heart. That is the deepest desire of my heart. It weighs on me heavily and often, more than I’ve ever admitted to anyone. It affects me more than I’ve ever admitted. I have never made known the depths of my occasional loneliness. And the fact that I’ve NEVER really dated doesn’t help. Just makes me wonder one of two things – what is wrong with me and what kind of a God am I serving who creates me with this desire and then withholds it. And honestly that leaves me angry and hurt and disappointed. Of course my head can correct my theology there. But unfortunately my heart doesn’t give a damn what my head thinks.

I’ve had 3 major crushes in adulthood. One with a guy who didn’t find me attractive and pretty much said so (which is wounding for sure). One with a guy who was never interested and never knew I had a crush on him. They are both married with kids now. And one with Donald Miller, which is probably more fantasy than anything. Especially since we’ve never met and he doesn’t know I exist. OK, that’s not technically true. I heard him speak once and shook his hand and was so smitten all I could say was, “big fan.” Yes, it was my “I carried a watermelon?!” moment.

And let’s talk about some scripture. Psalms says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” It basically says that same thing in several places. I’ve always heard that explained that if you delight yourself in the Lord that your desires would change and match His will for you. That has always bothered me simply because that is not what the passage says. It says He will give me the desires of my heart. This desire of mine to be married I believe IS from Him. I didn’t create it, He created it in me. And scripture even has examples of the Lord granting the desires of people’s hearts. Hannah. Sarah. Ruth. Solomon. Esther. Which still leaves me wondering, “seriously Lord, WTF?”

And don’t try to correct my theology here or tell me how long some of those characters waited or what they had to go through, etc. My head can already do that. Again it’s a heart issue and as before mentioned my heart doesn’t give a damn about my head.

All of this has been on my mind pretty heavily lately. That and a little life/career stuff, no big deal, right? It’s all made me feel very weak in my faith, honestly. I’ve often found myself questioning how committed I am to following Jesus. I think, “look where it’s gotten me – lonely and stuck. Maybe this is as good as it gets.”

But then this morning in church I heard His still small voice speak to my heart. “You’re stronger than you think you are, Jana. When you are weak, I am strong. Who will rescue you from yourself? I will. Because I love you. I know you’re heart and I love your heart. Trust me. Trust me and let me be strong for you. This is NOT as good as it gets. I have so much more for you. Just trust Me and rest in my strength.”

There is much more life and career stuff that plays into all this too. It’s not all about finding love and being loved. But one thing is for sure. When Jesus speaks to my heart like that, I hear it. And I want to believe it.  And need more of it.

Am I Creative?

I haven’t wanted to write lately. Well, that’s not entirely true. I want to write. I want to write for a living maybe. I want to be successful at it and be able to support myself at it. But every day I find a reason to avoid it or a way to distract myself from it. So I have to ask – what do I fear? Admittedly I’m in the midst of a creative struggle, one that’s lasted for years I’m discovering. I feel my heart is creative. I feel that’s where my passions are. I feel I have a creative side that has never been nurtured and never developed. I feel there is a whole side of me that has never made its presence known. Maybe there’s a “whole-er” me. This side of me that I believe exists is tied to a creativity I just feel I have. Who is the real me? Does my fear lay in that question? I think I’m a creative, but have nothing to prove it or to show for it. Do I fear that maybe, in spite of my felt passions, I’m not creative after all? Or am I afraid that I am creative, but will never do anything significant with it? Just like my love and desire to act. I’ve had that desire since I was in the 7th grade and discovered it in an elective drama class at school. I believe God made me with this desire. But nothing has ever come of it. I’ve had a strong desire to be married too, but nothing has come of that either. Perhaps I’m just wallowing in disappointment. So here’s the real question. Do I not try because I believe nothing will ever become of it? Do I fear and perhaps on some level believe that God has created me a certain way just to selfishly remind me that I need Him? Is God that kind of God? So when it comes down to it, my creative struggle is at some level, a theological one. Who do I really believe God is? I’ve bitched and complained to Him that He made me this way and angrily wondered why He would make me with certain desires, never to grant them. I’ve yelled. I’ve shouted. I’ve cried. I’ve begged and pleaded. I’ve also heard His small whisper to me saying, “Yes I made you this way. And I don’t make mistakes and I don’t play games. Stop complaining, look ahead and take some risks.” OK. But what risks? I don’t even know where to begin. My story needs an inciting incident. I need God to show me what kind of God He really is. But I think I need to take some risks for Him to do that. And I’m pretty sure that as soon as He does show me a glimpse of who He is, all my bitching and complaining will seem foolish and fall away. Like in “Till We Have Faces” by CS Lewis, my heart will discover that HE is the answer. I long for that day. In the meantime, well, writing this I suppose is a start.

A Quiet Gentleness

How do you hear from God? I’ve been wondering that a lot lately. Sometimes I feel like I’ve forgotten how to hear Him. Has it been so long that I don’t recognize His voice? Perhaps I’ve just forgotten how to listen.

All of these options could be at play. Sometimes it seems like it’s been so long since I’ve really heard from Him that I wonder if He cares. Of course, intellectually, I know that’s not true. I know He cares. I know He speaks. It’s my heart that struggles. I long to hear from Him, to hear anything.

Recently I went to a cabin in the woods of East Texas to be alone with Him for a few days. I wanted to get rid of distraction – no cell phone coverage, no internet, no cable TV, etc. I took walks in the woods, sat by a lake and rested. I read passages of scripture and parts of books about God’s love and prayer. And still nothing. It was as if I was alone. Really alone.

One day, out of frustration, I decided to keep a list of what I was hearing. Here is my list:

• Birds – several different types, calling in the trees
• Squirrels jumping from tree branch to tree branch
• Trees – pine, cedar, elm and others – groaning and cracking as if to stretch stiff limbs to the sky
• Leaves falling. You can actually hear leaves falling from the canopy to the ground.
• Insects – all sorts – locusts, bees, flies, crickets
• Deer – hidden in the trees stomping their feet, eating the grass, running away
• The rain – slowly arriving, announcing its presence, and then building to a crescendo before retreating again
• Fish jumping
• Turtles, quietly and peacefully poking their heads thru the smooth glass surface of the water
• The crinkling leaves as the biggest scorpion I’ve ever scene walks across them (I went the other direction).
• Frogs
• The distant barking of dogs
• The wind as it gently moves through the trees

All these things I heard and yet still wondered, “where was the Lord?” Ironic isn’t it, how sometimes we miss what is so obviously in front of us? I think I expected a dramatic “aha” moment (thank you Oprah) with Jesus that would drastically change the trajectory of my life. I missed it. He arrived in the quiet gentleness of my surroundings, the quiet grandeur of His creation. I expected to be swept off my feet. Instead I got a gentle caress of my cheek, as if to say, “I’m here, and I love you. Hang in there my love.”

I wanted drama. I got intimacy. He really does know what I want.

Driving thru Yellowstone

Several years ago I was on vacation with my friend in Yellowstone National Park. Neither of us had been there before and sadly, we had just one day to sort of “drive thru.” I don’t recommend that. If you ever go to Yellowstone, plan to stay a few days. Driving thru in one day is sort of like flying over Greenland and then claiming you’ve been there.

Anyway, we had a fun day of seeing just about as much as you can see in one day. Rivers, mountains, elk, buffalo, moose…even a bald eagle. And just as the sun was setting and we were about to head out of the park we saw one last sign. “Little Canyon of Yellowstone ==>” We looked at each other wondering if we should rush to see some little canyon before sunset. What the heck, we figured. So we turned right, parked and got out of the car.

We didn’t expect much. We slowly got out of the car and began to walk up to the observation deck. That’s when it happened. With each step closer our jaws dropped just a little further. It was breathtaking. Stunning. Majestic. Glorious. There was the roaring waterfall. The steep cliffs crashing down to the raging river. The sun hitting the cliffs giving the rocks a vibrant yellow and orange glow as if aflame. Words and even a picture fail to really describe the moment. My friend and I just stood there and stared for a long few moments, trying our best to absorb all we could in this holy moment.

I’ve been thinking about this memory a lot lately. It reminds me to anticipate the glorious in life. Life is hard. It is not often what one hopes and dreams it will be. There are disappointments. And sometimes you’ve just kind of operated for so long just doing what you do, that you fail to notice you are disappointed or that something is just not right. This has been me for the last few years. Frustrated. Disappointed. Sad. And not really noticing it. Kind of like driving around through Yellowstone, noticing the obvious (like the buffalo right beside the road), anticipating nothing divine. And yet, in sore need of the divine.

“Be still” is the phrase stuck in my head. “Be still and know that I am God.” I find this discipline difficult if not impossible these days. I blame it on modern and convenient technology. It has evaporated my attention span. If God doesn’t show up or answer me in 30 seconds, which is way longer than it takes my internet home page to come up, then I’m frustrated and done. I don’t know how to be still anymore.

But Jesus did it all the time. And while he didn’t have the modern technology that we have, he had plenty of things and people demanding His attention, offering distraction. Disciples worried about their next meal, people wanting to hear him teach, fisherman needing a little help with their catch, people wanting to be healed, religious people trying to trap him, etc. And yet there are several examples in scripture of Jesus sneaking away, away from the crowd, the noise to pray and be still.

It is possible. And I think in those moments where we can finally be still, He likes to show us a little more of who He is. Not that it’s a formula to fix the crap of life. By no means. It’s simply an invitation to commune and anticipate.

Life is still occasionally hard and disappointing. But that day at Yellowstone, as I stood there soaking it all in, I learned a little bit more about the Creator. I saw His beauty, His creativity, His power, His glory. And it was breathtaking. I think He longs to take our breaths away every chance He gets. And I for one, need Him too.

Valet Bicycles, Botox and Bald Eagles

OK, I know it has been forever since my last post. So sorry. But there has been a lot of transition in my life over the last 3 months and needless to say, things have been a bit hectic. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have things to write about because, believe me, I do. One can’t travel to California and back twice without having something to write about. So, upon my return, if anyone is still reading, we’ll begin there.

One of the transitions I’ve made is a new job. More about that later. But for this post, you should know that I work for a company that makes films, among other things. Right now we are busy with several different documentary projects. It’s been a crazy 3-4 months, but also a lot of fun.

To make these films we have had to travel to LA on 2 separate occasions. These were my first trips back to LA since I went as a child on vacation with my Dad, step-mom and sister. That was the year 1984. I know that because it was also the year that the Olympics were in LA (Mary Lou Retton, Lionel Richie at the closing ceremonies – what more could you want?) and we happened to be there just 2 or so weeks AFTER the Olympics. But Olympic stuff was still everywhere. Thus, it was late August of 1984. And I guess I should mention that I had a “Lil Orphan Annie” curly perm cut mullet style. What can I say? My mother still reigned over my hair. In retrospect, I looked like a 10 year old, curly headed lesbian (is it wrong to say that?). My tube socks probably didn’t help.

So after all these years it was actually fun to return to LA, even though travel wreaks havoc on my diet. There was a lot I got to do, other than just work of course. And even some of that was fun. We did get to film interviews on the sets of “Greys Anatomy” and “The Best Damned Sports Show Ever.” That was pretty cool. And I got to hang out with a friend who just recently moved there and she took me to a Dodger Game. That was pretty awesome. And Catalina Island is pretty cool too. For that day, me and a couple of others rented a tiny motor boat and rode around the island. We had a couple of those sacred nature moments when we spotted a baby seal on the shore, just to have it’s mom poke it’s head up about 10 feet in front of us and just stare at us for a moment. And then, a few minutes later, we had a young, bald eagle circle us several times before the damn seagulls chased it away. Pretty cool stuff.

But there is also, what I like to call, the plastic side of LA. Like, the elderly man pushing a stroller that is probably holding his children, NOT his grandchildren. Or when we drove through Beverly Hills and Bel Air at what was apparently quitting time for all the maids, as they were being dropped off by their employers at the bus stops. Then there was the paparazzi chasing someone (I didn’t recognize her) as she shopped on Rodeo Drive. And not to mention all the botoxed, face lifted, big hair, plastic people who refuse to look their age. And then my personal favorite, the sign outside a restaurant that said, “Valet Bicycle Parking.” Seriously?! Do we need valet parking for a bicycle? Isn’t the point of riding your bike make valet parking a bit ironic. Only in California.

So, what is the point of all this? Well for one, it sure is good to be home. Secondly, if you want to people watch, LA is a great place (I didn’t even mention the hippie acrobat at Santa Monica beach). But really, I think I’ve learned that I am quick to judge things by their appearances. What was an amusing sort of game, can also be a hurtful pattern. Not one I want to become a habit for sure.

I think I need a few more of those moments like with the seal or the bald eagle, in the peaceful calm, that take my breath away, interrupt the mayhem and cause me to slow down and hear His still, small voice. Perhaps in that quiet solitude, I’ll learn to love like Him and not judge.

The Nerd Within Us All

OK, recently I divulged to you my secret like of Battlestar Galactica. It’s a good show, I admit it (although for those of you who are fans and watch it – they better get back to fighting Cylons. The show isn’t as good without the Cylons. There is such a thing as too much character development. Still a good show though).

Having divulged this, my question is now this: why do we try so hard to hide the nerd within us? We’re all a bit nerdy in some way in my estimation. Why not just own it and come out with it. Wouldn’t it be great and very entertaining if the inner nerd within us all was a part of the daily persona we show to everyone? Talk about authenticity. And that’s what we all want, right? Authentic community? Of course, that’s also what we’re fiercely afraid of, but that’s another blog article all together.

I think sometimes when we talk or consider authenticity, we do so only in the category of “sharing our struggles, our sins.” We define being vulnerable with someone as equal to sharing all of our crap with them. And therefore, authenticity and vulnerability become these monster size thing to do. Of course, I don’t want to take away from that kind of vulnerability. It is needed and biblical and definitely is where unconditional love and grace can be found.

But what if authentic community involved sharing all of our quirky, fun nerdy-ness without apology to our friends as well. I think that would be a blast. And I know 2 pastors who would no longer have to hide their likes of Justin Timberlake and Pink, respectively (I’m not naming names, don’t ask).

So, in the spirit of encouraging authentic nerdy-ness amongst us all, here is my list of top 10 things that make me a nerd.

1. I like Battlestar Galactica
2. I like Celine Dion – I don’t own her music and probably never will, but when her song is on the radio and I’m by myself, I sing like I’m on a Vegas stage, baby.
3. I love looking at maps – not for knowing where I’m going, I just like looking at maps (I am very good with directions though and can navigate a foreign city like nobody’s business).
4. I like watching documentary films.
5. I know lots of useless facts and trivia – which may not sound nerdy, but definitely is when I quote one in public (unless I’m playing Trivial Pursuit).
6. I’m Chandler Bing – I get uncomfortable in emotional moments and tend to crack a joke – which is rarely appropriate and leaves people feeling awkward and me inwardly calling myself a dork.
7. I’m Monica Geller – I’m a neat freak and my roommates would probably say I can be a bit of a nazi neat freak, though I would disagree (and yes, for those of you wondering, you do rinse the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher, first you cleanse, then you sterilize).
8. I’m good with electronics. I can hook most things up and run things without looking at directions. Most girls would never admit to it.
9. I’m flat footed and my feet often hurt.
10. I have to use an asthma inhaler when I run – which shouldn’t be nerdy since it’s a medical necessity, but it just is.

OK, now it’s your turn. Play along in the comments. I want to know your nerdy-ness. Don’t hide anymore. Embrace the Urkel inside.

Valentine Musings

Ok, with it being Valentines Day, I feel obligated to write something about that. I'm not sure what, so we'll just see what comes as I type. Buckle up, this could be interesting. Consider this all of my random thoughts that come on a day like today.

First, my mom called and invited me out to dinner with her and my step dad. Hmm... usually I'm all about a free meal. But there is something pathetic about having dinner with mommy on Valentines Day. At least it feels that way. So I respectfully declined and made up some excuse about having friends over to watch Lost tonight. Then I set about making that happen. Thanks to the friends coming over for pizza and Lost later.

Yesterday,I helped film a show about an 800 lb lady going to get gastric by pass surgery. She has been bed-ridden for over a year. And she has a boy friend. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? Yes, there is some humor there, but there is also some realness. Taking this lady out of the picture (becasue really she is beautiful) I am still left with a feeling of "what is wrong with me." I haven't had a real date in I don't know how long. I know I'm supposed to trust in the Lord's sovereignty, and I do. But I can't help thinking, "why not even a date, Lord?" Why does no one want to date me? I don't really want to ponder that too much. It could reveal truth I don't want to know right now. E Harmony here I come.

OK, I have several married friends who like to say, "oh... this day isn't really a big deal for us, we really don't like Valentines Day and all of it's commercialism..." blah blah blah. Just so you all know, that doesn't really make a single person feel better. I personally think it's easy for you to say that. You have the opportunity to celebrate it as you wish, any day of the year (as you romantics like to claim). When that is the case I can see how you could grow tired of Valentines Day (and really, IS that the case?). In this case, I'd like the opportunity to grow tired of Feb. 14th. Of course, I am tired of Feb. 14th, but for altogether different reasons.

In honor of fellow singleton, Bridget Jones (please read with Rene Zellweger's british accent)-
"Feb. 14th - Valentines Day. Agh! 1**lbs (bugger!), 4 vodkas, and 2 packs of cigs and it's only noon. Off to smashing start!"

OK, really, despite what I've written and perhaps the tone above, I really am fine with this day. Yes, it brings up feelings of lonliness, but those crop up every so often anyway. And I do wonder why it hasn't been in the Lord's sovereign plan for me to be dating someone in the past 17 years and do I somehow put off men. But I think those thoughts other days as well. It's all part of being single and honest before the Lord about it. But the last thing I want to be is a bitter single person. And the three keys to avoiding that - at least in my estimation - are the following. One, complete trust in the goodness and blessing of my Savior. He has blessed me tremendously as a singleton and I freely embrace His blessing and am grateful and humbled for it. Two - community. Good friends who know me well, with whom I can be vulnerable with and who ask the hard questions. Authentic community I think leads to authentic praise and thanksgiving. And three - praise and thanksgiving. And I don't mean just praise and thanksgiving to my Lord, which I believe is crucial. But being thankful with my married friends. I must join in their celebrations. When friends get married - I must join in the happiness. When friends have children, I must enter into the joy. Real, authentic participation in the blessings of my married friends is necessary to keeping my heart free from bitterness.

So, in light of that - to all my non-single friends who read this - enjoy the day. Cherish your date or spouse. Love each other well. Celebrate the blessing you are to each other. And I'll celebrate with you. Metaphorically speaking, that is. I won't actually BE with you. That would be weird and awkward.

I'm Serious, it's the Best Show on TV

Alright. I guess it’s time. I’m about to reveal to you a bit of my inner dorkiness. My inner sci-fi geek is about to come out. For the record, let me state the following. I am NOT a huge sci-fi fan. Yes, I loved Star Wars – it was part of my childhood. I remember standing in line on opening night to see “Return of The Jedi.” And later tuned in weekly for episodes of “Quantum Leap,” which I thought ended just when it was getting really good. And OK, I loved “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy, but really, who didn’t. Ok, and on occasion I would watch an episode of “Next Generation” but that was only to bug my brother who liked the original “Star Trek” better. For a while I would ask him to do stuff and follow it with, “Make it so number one!” It drove him crazy, which is what little sisters are for in my estimation. If acting is not a requirement, I guess he can like whatever he wants. But other than that, I really am not much of a sci-fi fan. Seriously.

So now I must reveal to you that one of my favorite TV shows and I think the best written show on television is “Battlestar Galactica.” Yes, it’s sci-fi. I can’t get around that. It’s aired on the sci-fi channel. But really it’s more than that. And since I have received quite a bit of teasing from friends who laugh and mock the show without ever having seen it (I think they are afraid they will like it), I figured I would offer my defense.

Yes, it’s true the show has a sci-fi premise. Humans created Cylons, who once were just freaky robots but now have evolved to look and feel human (they can even reproduce and bear children with humans). The Cylons rebelled and have annihilated most of the human race and the 12 colonies the humans lived on. So the remaining humans, numbering around 50,000 and trying to avoid complete genocide, are out there trying to find the mythical 13th colony – earth. And while they search, they of course have to fight off the Cylons, who are also looking for earth. That’s the premise, more or less.

But that is not what makes this show great. What makes the show great is that it is really about life and humanity. The choices we make and their consequences. The flaws we have. Our ambitions, goals, dreams, hurts, pains, etc. You get the point. And real life, controversial topics are covered and covered well. Questions arise such as, should a president lead according to his/her faith? Or, when the survival of the human race depends upon procreation, should abortion be allowed? Is genocide an available, viable tactic in war (you’ll be surprised how much you think so)? Is revenge or pardon necessary for healing? According to one article, “In just a few short years, the new version has become one of the most talked-about series on TV, mainly for it's ability to tackle controversial current issues, such as terrorism, war and politics skillfully disguised as science fiction.” And Grace Park, one of the actors on the show says, "Whatever you want to see or whatever you're struggling with in life, you can see there, whether it be politics or terrorism or war, hope, faith, struggle, love. It's all in there. Or if you just want plain action and neck-snapping plot twists, you've got that too."

That is what makes it great. It is a good story, disguised as sci-fi. And the show is brilliantly written. It has even won a prestigious Peabody Award for writing.

The show is now in it’s 3rd season, which I believe is usually a critical season. Look at some former favorites like Lost and Alias. By the 3rd season they both were/are declining. Don’t misunderstand, I’m still a fan of Lost. But Battlestar Galactica, as goofy as it may sound, is by far better and has never disappointed.

So tune in if you dare. But I do recommend starting at the beginning. The mini series that began it all and the first 2 seasons are available on Netflix and Itunes. Or bravely jump in the middle of things and tune in Sunday nights on the Sci-fi channel (channel 58 for Time Warner cable folks in the Austin area – I had to look it up). And in so doing embrace your inner sci-fi geek. It’s OK. I would, except that I really don’t like sci-fi.


For another review, check out what my friend Randy says at: his blog

Last note - I am inclined to add the following warning - because it is on cable, and cable can get away with more, the show can be raunchy at times. Be careful and have the fast forward button ready.

The Pursuit of Pursuit

Ok, now for the long awaited update. So sorry it has been so long. To be honest, I've just been uninspired when it comes to writing anything. I've had ideas, just not the inclination to actually sit down and write them out. Oh well, we all enjoy periods of laziness, right?

Recently I wrote and said that I believed that the Lord's pursuit of me was boring. I wrote that the night before I went to a conference that potentially was life changing. I won't go into all the detial here, but to say the least, I no longer believe that the Lord's pursuit of me is boring. In fact, I now see it as sweetly constant.

I think there is a lot about the Lord that I miss because I like to define things according to how they are defined in the world around me or my experience in the world. But you can't do that with the Lord. I think one will always go astray when you compare the Lord and how He works to someone or some experience in a fallen world. It just never works. You will end up with not only a false belief, but a much smaller view of who God is.

That's what I did in contemplating His pursuit of me. I compared Him to my Dad and my experience. I expected His pursuit of me to, well, I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but be like what I see in the movies (which I know is never real). That feels silly to say. Anyway, I wanted His pursuit of me to rush in like a hero and sweep me off my feet every day, my knight in shining armor. Of course now I think that sounds exhausting.

What I've discovered is that His pursuit of me is passionate and gentle, constant and real, subtle and overwhelming. Its daily persistence with a gentle, guiding and loving touch. It engages my heart and mind, not just my emotions. It's lasting, not just an emotional moment of being swept up and away. It's exactly what I need, when I need it. And sometimes, I think it can only be seen and recognized in hindsight.

That last one maybe is a result of living and being surrounded by a fallen world. I'm too easily distracted to recognize His daily pursuit. But I know it's there. And when my eyes are cleared and I finally do see it, my heart is again wooed, and full of praise.

His pursuit of me is pure, constant, persistant, holy, passionate and unwavering and unending. And it is real. Personally, I found it more romantic than the emotional rush of the knight sweeping me off my feet. It is nothing like anything I've ever known and/or experienced. It's nothing like this world. So don't try to define it, that's no good. Leave the defining up to Him. After all, His ways are much higher than ours.

Bored No More

After much consideration and perhaps a life changing weekend, I have a confession. I was wrong in that last post. Since I wrote it I've actually discovered that the Lord does indeed persistently pursue me. And nothing about Him is boring. More later when I have time. I just felt the need to correct this wrong thinking.

I realize I've neglected my blog lately. I promise a return soon.

Wild Lover?

Anyone reading this blog (all, like, 2 of you – if that many) knows that lately I’ve been a bit introspective. I turned 33 and for reason that began a season of life evaluation. I’ve noted circumstances I don’t like, things I would like to change, etc. But really, beneath all the circumstances, there are some heart level issues the Lord is revealing to me that I’m having to deal with. Here is the issue of the day.

God is boring. At least that is what I think I believe. Intellectually I may not believe that is true, but practically, that is how I live. I live as if God is boring. What do I mean? Well, in some ways it all goes back to my believe of me just being average in every department – average personality, average intelligence, average looking, etc. Follow my logic. If I am just average, well, that must be the reason no one has really ever pursued me, including to some extent my own father. And therefore, since no one has ever pursued me, then I must not be pursuable. And believing that, I probably act in a way that communicates that I’m not pursuable. And since I have no experience of anyone really pursuing me, I wonder if God pursues me.

That is what this is really about. Does God pursue me and if so, how? No doubt this is connected to my relationship with my Dad. My parents were divorced before I could form a memory and therefore Dad was always the “fun weekend and vacations” Dad. I actually think I have an OK relationship with him and he and mom seemingly handled the divorce pretty well under the circumstances. Even when both were remarried, we could all, step parents and all, get together for family celebrations and get along. But does my Dad pursue me? Sometimes, but I think rarely. I have no doubt of His love for me, I just think he pursues me when it’s convenient for him, every so often and then puts most of the burden of relationship on me. “When are you going to come see me?”

That is how I view the Lord’s pursuit of me. He loves me no doubt. But it’s a boring love. He pursues me when it’s convenient, or when I’m so desperate He is duty bound to respond, being my “heavenly Father.” I do not believe He loves me and pursues me with a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. I do not believe He is that crazy about me.

But the Biblical record says otherwise. The Bible speaks of a God in Hosea who wildly, passionately and persistently pursued His lover. The Bible speaks of a God who is an all consuming fire, who led His children by a mighty pillar of fire and cloud of smoke, who parted the Red Sea to free His children. It speaks of a God who delights in me. It speaks of a God who so passionately and deeply loved and pursued His children that He sacrificed His own Son to be with us. That is a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. And anything but boring.

Intellectually I believe that is how God pursues me. My head believes it, my heart doubts it. I am either yet to experience that kind of pursuit, or I fail to recognize it being blinded by my own self and the false things I believe about myself. I feel helpless to remove the blinders. I need the Lord to show me His passionate, wild, persistent pursuit of me. I need Him to become my lover.

The Genius of Jane Austen

As of late I’ve been pondering a very simple question. Why is “Pride and Prejudice” so beloved by millions? And I don’t mean just simply loved like a great book (though it is). I mean really loved. In such ways that sequels have been attempted, websites created, debate over which filmed version is better occurring, fan clubs formed, DVD’s sold, watched multiple times per owner and oft quoted. In reality, it has it’s own subculture. If you don’t believe me just google it – I spent an hour playing on sites and taking tests to see which sister I was most like and which man was for me – which perfectly worked out to be Jane and Bingly because of my inherent sweetness and politeness (the tests knew me so well!). This story is LOVED. But what is at the core of the story that creates such affection for it? That is what has vexed me lately. And at times, I have been excessively diverted.

Now before any of my male friends stop reading, let me assure you that I have met plenty of men who have agreed that it is a good story and have ended up enjoying it even though originally forced to watch it. I give you leave to like it. You’ve liked many a stupider thing before. And I understand your unwillingness to admit your like of it. In vain have we subjected you to less worthy flicks (from Anne of Green Gables to Failure to Launch), and then accused you of being void of any real feeling. And I know most of you would categorize “Anchorman” under “Classics” and that’s OK (secretly maybe I would too). But there’s something attractive even to the male audience about this one. So before you find those aforementioned male fans and make them turn in their man cards, watch it for yourself. Perhaps it will induce you to behave in a more gentleman like manner.

Now to the point – why is it so liked? Well, you know my candor well enough to know me capable of getting to the point, so here it is. I think it is liked because, at its core, it is about righteousness. Let me explain. The story presents an age when propriety still meant something. Now, yes, of course Austen pokes a bit of fun at some of this propriety. And we come in contact with characters whose sense of doing what is right runs only skin deep and others who carry out the propriety of the day in pride and conceit. But it’s also about being patient for things to work out rightly instead of taking matters into your own hands and falling into sin (Lizzie and Jane vs. Wickham and Lydia). It’s about extending grace to others when they are too ignorant and naïve to recognize their need for it while knowing it will continue to cost you one way or another (Darcy to Wickham). It’s about recognizing your own sin and humbly changing your ways (Darcy and Lizzie). It’s about believing the best in everyone (Jane and Bingly). It’s about the consequences of unrighteousness (Wickham and Lydia). It’s about forgiveness instead of bitterness (Darcy’s, Bingly’s vs. Lady Catherine). It’s about community (Jane and Lizzie). It’s about purity and holiness in relationships and the lack there of (take your pick). And the list could go on.

Righteousness envelops this story, one way or another. And we are attracted to it, because we miss it. It is rare to find such displays of righteousness in the world in which we live. Propriety means nothing when compared to my own selfish wants and what makes me feel better. Indeed, we are ruined.

Ok, we’re not really ruined. But I do think our hearts, as believers, long for righteousness. And when we can be caught up in a story for a few hours that so well captures it, well, we’re captured. Stories of righteousness stir our souls. Enter the Gospel.

And this is why I think the attempted sequels, have in my opinion, failed miserably. OK, I admit that I’ve actually never read one. But that’s only because I can’t get past the synopses. They speak of Darcy potentially having an illegitimate child, Jane and Bingly’s passionless marriage, Bingly betraying the family, etc. etc. They all seem to miss out on the righteousness (and one is even listed as “erotica” – Austen would flip in her grave). And in my opinion, the sequels will never have the original’s happiness until they have it’s goodness.

So that in a nutshell is a simplified reason why I think the book is so well liked and may even go down as my all time favorite. Well, that and that Austen is a genius. So if you haven’t read it or seen it, do one or both. Embrace life, get lost in a story of righteousness and have some fun. Because every savage can dance. Even those whose favorite classic movie is “Anchorman.”


Oh and fyi, the 5 hour BBC movie version with Colin Firth is far superior to the still entertaining, yet cliff note version with Kiera Knightly.

And lastly, for those of you who think you know Austen well, this post is littered with adapted lines from the book. Reply in the comments and tell me how many you think you found.

New Stuff

It's coming soon. I promise. Hold your horses.

The Act of Turning 33 and the Introspection That Follows

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t really felt like doing much of anything lately. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this unmotivated before. Here’s the deal. I don’t really like much about myself right now. Perhaps I’m being too introspective because I just turned 33 (the year of our Lord upon His assumption, as my roommate said) and my life looks nothing like I want it to. Perhaps I’m just believing lies. Whatever the case, that’s how I feel.

In fact, here is what feels true. I’m now past the age that men find attractive. I haven’t had a date with a viable option in over… well, high school wasn’t really a viable option either was it? Therefore, there must be something wrong with me (that is what Henry Cloud would say anyway, and with no evidence to the contrary, I’m inclined to agree with him). I am in a community group with a lot of people who like me, but none who really want to know me. I’m never invited to do social things with folks from that group (unless it’s a general community group event). Obviously, I lack true community and don’t know where to find it. Again, something must be wrong with me. I’m in a job I’m not motivated to do and don’t know how to change. I’m tired of the financial struggle of being on staff. I have a shallow walk with the Lord that I don’t know what to do about and I struggle with sins that I shouldn’t. I have no self-control or discipline, am lazy, critical and judgmental. And let’s not forget arrogant as all get out. I feel like a failure before the Lord in every way. It’s as if the enemy is ravishing me, and I’m powerless to fight back. This is what feels true.

Now before you say that I’m being hard on myself and start sending me sappy notes of encouragement, let’s get some perspective. Most of what I don’t like about myself is what I see and you don’t – my own inner sin. And it is right to be vexed by it. In fact, it should probably trouble me more than it does and the feeling will pass sooner than it should. And yet, I feel defeated and beaten at every turn. How do I change? How do I let the Lord change me?

But my sin is only part of what I don’t like. I don’t like my life. Now I know that sounds like I’m about ready to slit my wrists. That’s not the case at all. I enjoy living. What I mean is, I don’t like the externals in my life. There are three things here that vex me. First, I don’t like my stage of life. I hate being “the singleton” of the family. At 25 it was OK. At 33 it’s demoralizing. I feel less admired and respected because I’m not married. And the loneliness, in all honesty, sucks. I wonder if I’ll ever understand intimacy with the Lord without understanding it in a relationship here.

Secondly, I don’t like how I look. But that is probably more concerned with my sin and eating and exercising habits. So we’ll move on to number three.

Thirdly, I don’t like my job. I don’t hate my job. I just feel like I’m done with it. I want to contribute something to the Kingdom and don’t feel like I’m doing it here. My passions I feel are absent. And in the midst of my angst, I feel the Lord is being silent. Where are you in my distress, Lord?

Somehow, as a friend reminded me this week, it probably all comes down to me believing in God’s goodness. Do I believe He is good to me, even when the things I would use to define His goodness are absent? How do you define His goodness? I’d like to define it by seeing all of the above “fixed.” But something tells me that is missing the point. Something tells me that His goodness is not primarily found in His acts and blessings, but in He Himself. Goodness is part of His character. He IS good.

So, at the end of all this, perhaps I don’t need more “things.” Perhaps I just need more of Him. Bottom line – He must show me His goodness. Because I’m having a hard time seeing it through all the rain.

Kate, Matthew and Me

So, here I am, about to pack up and leave summer project and New Hampshire behind. I could be actually packing. I could be reflecting on all the Lord has done this summer. I could be hanging out with students. There are beaches and lobster and New England to enjoy a little bit longer, but instead, I’m watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” on TV. And it’s not like I haven’t seen it before.

But today I had a thought - “holy crap, I’m turning 33 in about 6 weeks and am still dateless.” And really there is no hope of a date with a viable option anywhere on the horizon. So nothing like a chick flick to wallow in a well of self pity and feed the fantasy that all singletons maintain. You know, the one where Mr. Right comes along and sweeps you off your feet, just like in the movies. And it would probably be raining because in the moves, water falling from the sky seems to make things more romantic, even if the girl’s hair falls to crap and mascara builds under her eyes and she looks like a hung over Elvira (remember her?). So, I go on living vicariously through Kate Hudson and Matthew McConneghy.

Well, that was entertaining. The movie is over now and I’m back to my own reality. And every time I am in this kind of mood, the thought that always comes to mind, at least lately, is this – am I believing in God’s goodness to me today? Because that is what this attitude rides on. If I am not believing his goodness, I will wallow in self pity and grow bitter. And really, I’ve seen too many friends who’ve remained single into their 30’s become bitter. That is not a journey I want to walk.

But if I am choosing, even by faith, to believe in His goodness, than I can choose to believe that me being single must be God’s best for me right now. And therefore by faith, I can trust Him. In fact, I can even, again by faith, choose to be thankful. And it is a thankful heart that I think will prevent a bitter heart.

So today, I choose to thank the Lord that I am single. I thank Him that I am nearly 33 and dateless. I thank Him that I have so much time that I can spend with Him (not that I do, but I could). And I thank Him for His goodness to me. That’s what I choose today.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go eat some chocolate and listen to Damien Rice.

Wild or Mild?

So, here I am sitting in a Barnes and Noble near the New Hampshire/Maine border. I came here today to get away from summer project for a while, to spend some time with Jesus and to do some planning for the discipleship/training appointments I have this week. Plenty to do so I gave myself plenty of time. 3+ hours in fact, before I had anywhere to be. Unfortunately I can’t really focus on anything.

Why is it so hard to spend time with Jesus when I have all the time to do it? Perhaps I came to the wrong place. No doubt this isn’t the best environment today. Sometimes I can pull off the coffee shop quiet time, but not today. And no doubt it doesn’t help that my table is facing the “Love and Sex” section of the bookstore and I’ve probably spent a good 20 seconds trying to decipher a book’s title (is it “Wild Sex” or “Mild Sex?” – as if anyone dreams of mild sex, although at 32 ANY sex would be good – and thus another 20 seconds of my life I’ll never get back).

I also have chosen today to once again break my caffeine addiction. The headache is coming on and should last through tomorrow. Therefore I have given myself a 2-day pass from all coherent thought. Expect some crankiness, mumblings, drooling and shaky hands during my detox.

Perhaps it’s the music I’m listening to. The soundtrack to “Sense and Sensibility.” It’s great if you haven’t heard it. Of course, in every arrangement I picture the movie and think through all the reason’s I’m like Elinor (Emma Thompson’s character). We’re both highly rational, full of hidden emotions, deep dreams and longings, and fiercely loyal to our sisters. And then we get to my favorite scene, when Edmund reveals he’s not married and loves Elinor and she unabashedly weeps with joy. Still waiting and hoping for that moment in my own life (OK, it’s a metaphor – not EXACTLY that moment).

Whatever reason I can come up with for having a hard time focusing on Jesus the answer is quite obvious. I’m distracted. I told you it was obvious. But the point is that there are a lot of distractions in life. And we have arranged our lives in such a way that makes it near impossible to quite the distractions. Solitude is indeed a discipline. One that I don’t practice very much. And really, I’m not sure if I would even know where to begin.

So here I am in the local bookstore, coming to grips with the fact that I like the distractions. I like them too much. The other night we sang a praise song about only wanting Jesus. If only that were true. I do want that to be true. He is all I need. I just wished my life more reflected that and I could quite all the crap that vies for my attention and my allegiance. After all, He is the only one worthy of both. He earned my attention and allegiance the hard way.

It’s time to turn the volume down.

Mission Impossible?

"Without faith it is impossible to please Him..." Have you ever really considered that verse (Heb. 11:6)? It's in a book I've studied several times before, in a chapter I'm familiar with (hall of faith) and actually is a verse I've read over many times. But I don't think I've really ever paused to consider that without faith, it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God. Of course I say as a believer that I want to please God, but do I include faith in that equation (if an equation there really existed)?

It seems to me it is very easy to live my life, attempting to please God, without faith ever entering the picture. I make it all about my behavior, which is clouded in my understanding. That is the opposite of faith. Faith seems to come into play when there is no understanding. What in my life am I seeking to have faith in without understanding? What is God calling me to do that I don't really understand? At the core, the question becomes, where is my faith?

I guess to find the answer of that, I need to also ask, "where are my fears?" Unfortunately, I think fear and faith are 2 sides of the same coin. For example, I fear being single the rest of my life. Do I have faith to believe that God is good and has blessed me as I am? Do I have faith to believe that His plan for me, whether He provides a spouse or not, is best? Do I have faith to believe He really is enough? They go hand in hand. That's how it works.

So what do I need to learn? Let's look at one of my favorite stories in the Old Testament. 2 Chron. 20. We'll take it chunk by chuck over the next couple of posts. Jehoshaphat is king and all of a sudden he finds 3 major enemies allying themselves together and coming to make war against him. It would kind of be like Egypt, Syria and Jordan all uniting to wage war against Isreal today. How does this godly, wise king of a great nation react? He's afraid. He's scared. I think it's safe to say he's worried. All perfectly natural considering his circumstance.

So what does he do? What would you do? I think I would immediately begin pulling my armies together, fortifying my cities, evacuating civilians, etc. But Jehoshaphat , of all things, chooses to worship. Scripture says he "turned his attention to seek the Lord, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah." And it goes on from there. Not only did he proclaim a fast, he called the entire country together, he sought community.

How many times when I'm afraid do I turn to my friends, to my community to share my fears and to seek faith? Hardly ever. Most of the time, I try to handle it on my own. And I'm way to proud to admit my fears in front of folks, much less an entire group. And yet, that's what Jehoshaphat did. In true community, he turned his attention to the Lord.

I'm begining to think that fear is abundant and faith is abondoned in isolation. Without faith it is impossible to please Him. Maybe we need others to have faith.

We'll see how the story continues later. In the meantime, the full passage, up to where we are, is printed below.



So Judah gathered together to seek help from the LORD; they even came from all the cities of Judah to seek the LORD.
Then Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of the LORD before the new court,
and he said, "O LORD, the God of our fathers, are You not God in the heavens? And are You not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in Your hand so that no one can stand against You. "Did You not, O our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before Your people Israel and )give it to the descendants of Abraham Your friend forever? "They have lived in it, and have built You a sanctuary there for Your name, saying,'Should evil come upon us, the sword, or judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You for Your name is in this house and cry to You in our distress, and You will hear and deliver us.'"Now behold, the sons of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir, whom You did not let Israel invade when they came out of the land of Egypt (they turned aside from them and did not destroy them),see how they are rewarding us by coming to drive us out from Your possession which You have given us as an inheritance."O our God, will You not judge them? For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You."All Judah was standing before the LORD, with their infants, their wives and their children.

Something's Missing

Recently we participated in our company’s worldwide day of prayer. It was a corporate mandate that we take a day in our busy schedule, stop, come before the Lord, and pray. It was time to beseech our sovereign Lord to glorify Himself in our ministry, to show up, to bless, to change lives, etc. So we gathered on the designated Tuesday morning, hovered around the snacks (so much for fasting) and waited with dread for the day to begin. It seemed that no one, including myself, wanted to be there. And since we were all so busy with important events coming up, we decided to only pray for half a day and call it quits at lunchtime.

Was it Hudson Taylor who said something like, “I have a lot to do today so I should pray twice as much.” Well, if it wasn’t him, it was some cool spiritual giant that has gone before us. My point is this, what has happened in our spiritual lives that we so quickly sacrifice prayer? Are our tasks really that important or could it be that praying more is the very task we should be doing? When presented with the opportunity to participate in something that has spiritual depth, why do we balk?

I’ve been wrestling with this question lately. I’m involved in the singles ministry at my church. And whether in my community group or in our evening worship service, whenever we do anything that is participatory and has spiritual depth to it, well… very few participate, including myself.

Are we afraid of intimacy with Jesus? I’m not sure I can answer that. I’m not sure I really know what intimacy with Jesus looks like (or intimacy with anyone for that matter). But to be honest, I’m not sure that question is even on the radar. Whether I’m afraid of intimacy with Him or not (after all, He knows me and all the things about me I’m ashamed of) I think it’s more that I am content in the shallow relationship I have with Him. Or I just don’t know any different.

To me, if I can make a sweeping, unfair statement, this defines a majority of the singles at my church (again, including myself). And here is what I think is missing. The Gospel.

No wonder my relationship with Him is shallow. It is so easy to go through our days and not experience the Gospel in our lives. We've made a habit of treating the Gospel like fire insurance, our ticket to heaven as the sayings go. We buy it and never think about it again, or if we do, it's on our deathbed. And why not, daily experiencing the Gospel is hard. After all, experiencing the Gospel involves dealing with sin in our own lives and perhaps confronting it in others. That is never fun. At church in my community group I sense a general reluctance to really deal with sin. And in my own life I’ve grown adept at glossing over it and rationalizing it. Therefore repentance and forgiveness and healing and growth… etc. are missing and thus, the Gospel is absent too.

The Gospel or the lack thereof affects everything we do. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, I’m not experiencing true, Biblical community. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then I’m forgetting my true identity as a believer. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then I’m running in shame from my Lord, instead of boldly approaching His throne to find grace and mercy in my time of need. And if I’m not experiencing the Gospel then yes, I probably am afraid of intimacy with Jesus. And finally, if I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then my motivation to pray is limited. Without the Gospel, prayer is sort of pointless, tasks become the focus, and we stop seeking His glory. It becomes all about us and what we do, whether we realize it or not.

Oh to experience the Gospel (and thus intimacy with Jesus) in such a way that I can honestly say, in community, “we have a lot to do, let’s pray all day.” Not because we should, but because we long too. Because we can’t wait to spend a day with the lover of our soul. Because we know who He is and thus, who we are with all of our sin, and our desperate need for Him. Because we know we are loved. Because we know we need the Gospel.

For Joe

I know I need to update my blog, but I'm sitting here on my couch completely uninspired. I can't think of a thing to write about. So, instead, I'm going to share with you a poem I once wrote my brother. After college I lived overseas for 2 1/2 years and one time, my brother had the nerve to complain that I didn't email him enough. So I wrote this poem for him. Oh, and I had been suffering from a bit of a cold at the time.

I said I would write you
When I came to feel better
But please don't expect this
To be a long letter

There was a short time
I thought my head would blow
But lucky for you
There was only snot flow.

The weather has changed
Now things are kinda hot
But alas, poor me
There is still plenty of snot.

But my lungs have cleared
So things are looking up
which is ideal to keep
snot out of juice cup.

I know it must look like
snot has been my theme
But it really isn't
as bad as it seems

So I'll continue to write
My brother I suppose
Just don't expect them
All to be in prose.

1997


Sorry if I grossed some of you out. I warned you I was uninspired. This is all I have to offer.