What's Wrong With Me?

Recently I found out that my brother has a girlfriend. My 40 year old, lives at home with Mom to pay off debt, recovering alcoholic, bi-polar brother has a girlfriend. Now I don't mean to sound negative towards my brother. He really is growing in his relationship with the Lord and doing well. He deserves some happiness. Good for him. It just makes me think (because it's all about me), "what the hell is wrong with me?"

Let me explain. I haven't seriously dated a guy since I was 16 years old, and really, how serious can you call any relationship when you're 16? Granted the guy was 4 years older and in college, but still. It was so serious that he sent me a 3-4 page, front/back letter telling me all the good things he liked about me and I responded with a "dear John" letter. I still regret that, but what do you expect, I was 16 (and really, what creepy 20 year old college student seriously pursues a 16 year old!).

Anyway, back to my point. Not only have I doubled in age since I last had a dating relationship, I can count the number of dates that I've been interested in since then on one hand. So all this to say, it makes a girl wonder, "what is wrong with me?" And if a girl is wondering that, she's also wondering, "what do I need to do, what book should I read, holy crap do I need counseling?"

In all reality, the answer to that last one may be "yes." Counseling may often be a good idea. Maybe there is something with how I come across or some odd behavior that needs pointing out and corrected. Maybe I am, for some reason, uncomfortable talking with guys and don't make good eye contact. I don't know, but surely there is something. Something to be fixed.

And maybe there is a plan of action to be taken. A recent book on dating suggests that I need to through myself out there, start meeting guys, practice talking with them, even sign up for internet dating. By default it suggests that I'm not dating because I'm not doing enough. It's all my fault.

Now, I'm not going to question the validity of that. If I stay home and become a hermit it is true that I may never have a date. I would become either the freaky cat lady or the old maid librarian type. Those seem to be the only options. And yes, I'm sure I could use the practice. More than once I've walked away from a conversation with a guy regretting the dorky things that mysteriously came out of my mouth.

But what I do question is this - where is the Lord in all of this? In what am I putting my faith, my hope and my trust? Is it in what I do? Could it be that I am not dating someone right now, and thus not married, because it's not in God's plan for me at the moment? Is there really more I need to do, or do I just need to be? It seems to me that by focusing on things to do, I'm making it all about me, just trying to get what I want through other means instead of trusting Jesus, the giver of all good things. That's my main beef with all these dating books - they make it all about the wrong person.

It's not about me. It's about the lover of my soul who pursues me at all costs. It's about One who cherishes me, delights in me and longs for me more than I can know. It's about One whom, if I could really see Him, I would desire none other. It's about His glory.

In reality, I will still compare myself to others and wonder what is wrong with me. I've wept over that one. Why does absolutely no one want to date me? Is it how I look? What I say? Etc. And it has only confirmed my believe that I'm just average. I should say, my false belief, but I still find it hard to believe that is false.

Every day I wake up consumed by me. So everyday I must choose to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. Because then the question becomes not "what is wrong with me?" but "what is right about Him?" He is my only hope.

Authors note - for the record, I love my brother and am proud of all he has overcome. I make a list of his issues simply to make a point. I very well could have called myself the "32 year old, living in debt, lazy, bitchy, self righteous and overly opinionated sister who always thinks she is right." I really do wish him well and all happiness.