Unveiling Beauty

Warning: This post might give you more of a glimpse into a womans mind (or at least into mine) then you want. I don't write about this stuff often, but occassionally, well... it happens.

Am I beautiful? Am I worthy of being faught for and/or whole heartedly pursued? Apparently (according to John and Stasi Eldredge) every woman asks herself this question. We all struggle with wanting to know if we are lovely, desireable, beautiful.

I've been pondering these questions lately as I've been reading "Captivating," a recent book by the Eldredges. Because I don't like being like everyone else, I wish I could write and say, I don't struggle with those questions. And even as I write this, I wonder at what level of vulnerability will I write (I don't think many people read this anyway). The truth is, I do struggle to believe I'm beautiful. I've convinced myself I'm just average.

Why do I believe this? It's never been proved otherwise. I've never been told I'm beautiful. I've never been pursued by someone who thinks I am. I've even been told by someone (years ago) that he was interested in dating me while not physically attracted to me (and he never did ask me out). I know he didn't mean it maliciously, but damn, that hurts. Then there was my family, who loves me very much and meant well, but by suggesting ways I could look better or different ways to dress, only communicated to me that I wasn't beautiful. In fact I didn't start caring about how I looked until a friend in my early 20's starting affirming me (instead of making suggestions for improvement). All this to say, my life experience has only reinforced to me that I'm average.

Now I know I'm supposed to believe that true beauty comes from within and that God thinks I'm beautiful. But really, I see it as a catch 22. Perhaps what I believe about my physical appearance reinforces an average beauty within which somehow reinforces my belief regarding my physical appearance. And as for God, well... He's God, He's supposed to think I'm beautiful. I don't feel that counts.

So what do I do? Because according to this book, I am beautiful. I've believed a lie. Actually, I know the answer. The answer is that I'm looking to find my beauty or to have my beauty affirmed in the wrong place. I'm seeking it in a man. I'm hoping that one day, some guy will love me passionately and unconditionally enough to convince me I'm beautiful, that I'm desireable, I'm worth pursuing. This is my current form of idolatry.

Oh, I'll probably go on trying to look beautiful. I'll try to dress well, do my make-up and be more engaging with men (as a friend told me I wasn't and didn't make good eye contact). But to find my beauty, or rather, to be convinced that I am beautiful, I need to learn to relate to Jesus differently. I need to see Him as my lover, my pursuer. I need Him to convince me of my beauty. I need Him to woo my heart. In a way, I need Him to seduce me. And He has to be the one to do it. He has to show me how He woos me, how He loves me, how He pursues me. I need Him to show me because I'm convinced only He can unveil beauty. After all, He created it (and me).