They're Married, I'm Not

Recently some comments have been made to me that have made me feel burdened by my singleness. Yes, I'm 32, yes I'm completely single and yes, there are no potential dates on the horizon. Normally, I'm OK with that. For the most part I find it pretty easy to pretend that I really enjoy my singless. I say pretend because while I seem to be enjoying myself and my life, I would trade it in a heartbeat to be married to, for lack of a better word, my soulmate. But really, life is generally pretty good.

Until someone says to you, "how many people do you know that are getting married and you're not?" You see, I have a lot of friends who have either recently married or are getting married in the near future. I even recently went to 2 weddings on the same day. And for the most part, I enjoyed them.

But as is expected, at a wedding I inevitably find myself thinking, "wow, what would this be like if it were me?" And then I glance around the room as if looking through a scope to find potential targets to receive my love. Of course, then I chastise myself and force myself to focus on the ceremony and shove all thought of lonliness and spinsterhood aside until I'm back in my car, alone.

Let's face it, for anyone like me, occassionally, being single makes me sad. Admitting that I have dreams and longings that are unmet makes me sad. Realizing that there is no guarantee that those dreams and longings will be met this side of eternity makes me sad. Thinking that I will continue to be the less respected member of my family (because whether or not that's true, that is what feels true) makes me sad. Thinking I may never have a family of my own, makes me sad. Realizing I will always have to provide for myself, makes me sad. And on and on the list can go.

So what do I do with the sadness and deep emotion being single occasionally brings to me? It seems these days all the popular books on the topic seem to say that if I stay busy enough with friends or dates from internet services, etc. I won't have time to dwell on and think about how single I am and won't experience the sadness because I'll be having so much fun. I find fault with this. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for spending time with friends and having a good time and to a certain extent, that is true. While I'm having fun with friends I generally do not dwell on the fact that I long to be married and am not.

But neither am I afriad of those deep emotions that those thoughts and feelings bring. In fact, when they arise, I tend to embrace them. I have found that I need to go there in my heart. I need to feel the hurt and pain of unmet desires and dreams. I need to feel the sadness. I need to occassionally cry. I need to go there and let those emotions drive me to the feet of God.

Yes, I know emotions can lead me astray. But I also know that my emotions can lead me to the heart of God. I need to cry out my unmet desires so he can softly whisper, "there are pleasures forever at My right hand.... I open up MY hand and satisfy every living thing.... I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever.... your flesh and your heart may fail, but I am near....boldly approach My throne and receive mercy and grace...." And on He goes.

I need my emotions to lead me, sad and broken, to Him. Then I can taste and see that He is good. Then I am hungry and thirsty for more of Him. Then I can surrender.

So while I don't really welcome comments like the one above (I certainly don't look forward to and pursue these melancholy moments), I am willing to feel the sadness. It reminds me that I love Jesus. Deeply. And that He is enough.

I once had a friend tell me that while she was single, she felt like the Lord really met her in deep, special ways. And that while He still meets her now that she is married, it's different from her single days. Somehow, I can see why. My singleness has led to sweet times with Jesus. For that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my singleness.

Not that I want to stay single or anything. It might be fun to find out how the Lord works in married peoples lives....