Holiday Preparations

Christmas. I love the Christmas season, getting together with your family, good food, etc. But hard work always comes with the terrritory. Today is "all day baking day" with my sister. 4 pies, buck eye balls, fudge, iced butter cookies, sweet potatos, green bean casserole, etc. It takes a lot of work to make a holiday special. Tonight, my feet and back will hurt, I'll have food splatters on my clothing and I'll be as whipped as the meringue my sister and I will attempt to make. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the holidays.

And just so you think I've forgotten - I love celebrating my savior's lowly arrival on earth in human form. He may have been in a poor manger, but I like to think that at that moment, in heaven the angels are singing something as majestic as "For Unto Us a Child Is Born" from Handel's Messiah. If you haven't heard it recently, check it out and picture the scene. It makes me a little weepy every time I hear it.

Merry Christmas!

Lazy Love

With my last post I concluded that because of my own average view of myself, I need Jesus to woo me. I need Him to pursue me. I need Him to convince me of my inner and outer beauty. I've come to realize that what I really want is Him to do all the work in this relationship.

I'm seeing this as a pattern in my life. As a kid, I wanted to play piano, I just didn't want to practice (damn that "Chariots of Fire" song). I wanted to be an archeologist (go Indiana Jones!), I just didn't want to study what I called "all that science stuff." In college I wanted to be an actress (sometimes still do), but decided that sounded like too much work. And even now, I want to get in shape, be fit, eat healthy, but don't want to exercise (I hate it and would rather be slapped in the face).

It seems I don't want to work for the things I really want. I want to know Jesus intimately, as my lover, but don't want it to take my time and effort. Obviously, that's not much of a relationship. If I were married and my husband treated me like that, I would be deeply hurt. If I tried to seduce him and love him and he just didn't have time for me, the wound would be deep. I don't know why I treat Jesus that way. And I really don't know why He keeps pursuing me.

This past week or so, I have had one thought randomly coming to my mind over and over. Driving down the road listening to Christmas songs I hear a still, small voice saying, "I want your heart." Putting gas in my car I hear, "I want your heart." Sitting in church hearing a talk on something completely other than all this, again I hear, "I want your heart." I think I'm beginning to believe He wants my heart. All of it.

He wants me fully engaged and surrendered in this relationship. He wants me participating. He wants me to be as giddy about Him as He is about me. He wants all of my defenses down. He wants me to let go of my heart, and the fear that keeps my iron grip around it, and give it all to Him. He wants me.

Wow, He wants me. For me to understand the depths of His love for me, I have to participate. I have to be fully engaged. And as He slowly, patiently, gently woos my heart, my grip is beginning to loosen.

"I must arise now and go about the city; In the streets and in the squares I must seek Him whom my soul loves. I sought Him but did not find Him. The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me, and I said, "Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?" Scarcely had I left them when I found Him whom my soul loves; I held on to Him and would not let Him go..."
Song of Solomon 3:2-4

Unveiling Beauty

Warning: This post might give you more of a glimpse into a womans mind (or at least into mine) then you want. I don't write about this stuff often, but occassionally, well... it happens.

Am I beautiful? Am I worthy of being faught for and/or whole heartedly pursued? Apparently (according to John and Stasi Eldredge) every woman asks herself this question. We all struggle with wanting to know if we are lovely, desireable, beautiful.

I've been pondering these questions lately as I've been reading "Captivating," a recent book by the Eldredges. Because I don't like being like everyone else, I wish I could write and say, I don't struggle with those questions. And even as I write this, I wonder at what level of vulnerability will I write (I don't think many people read this anyway). The truth is, I do struggle to believe I'm beautiful. I've convinced myself I'm just average.

Why do I believe this? It's never been proved otherwise. I've never been told I'm beautiful. I've never been pursued by someone who thinks I am. I've even been told by someone (years ago) that he was interested in dating me while not physically attracted to me (and he never did ask me out). I know he didn't mean it maliciously, but damn, that hurts. Then there was my family, who loves me very much and meant well, but by suggesting ways I could look better or different ways to dress, only communicated to me that I wasn't beautiful. In fact I didn't start caring about how I looked until a friend in my early 20's starting affirming me (instead of making suggestions for improvement). All this to say, my life experience has only reinforced to me that I'm average.

Now I know I'm supposed to believe that true beauty comes from within and that God thinks I'm beautiful. But really, I see it as a catch 22. Perhaps what I believe about my physical appearance reinforces an average beauty within which somehow reinforces my belief regarding my physical appearance. And as for God, well... He's God, He's supposed to think I'm beautiful. I don't feel that counts.

So what do I do? Because according to this book, I am beautiful. I've believed a lie. Actually, I know the answer. The answer is that I'm looking to find my beauty or to have my beauty affirmed in the wrong place. I'm seeking it in a man. I'm hoping that one day, some guy will love me passionately and unconditionally enough to convince me I'm beautiful, that I'm desireable, I'm worth pursuing. This is my current form of idolatry.

Oh, I'll probably go on trying to look beautiful. I'll try to dress well, do my make-up and be more engaging with men (as a friend told me I wasn't and didn't make good eye contact). But to find my beauty, or rather, to be convinced that I am beautiful, I need to learn to relate to Jesus differently. I need to see Him as my lover, my pursuer. I need Him to convince me of my beauty. I need Him to woo my heart. In a way, I need Him to seduce me. And He has to be the one to do it. He has to show me how He woos me, how He loves me, how He pursues me. I need Him to show me because I'm convinced only He can unveil beauty. After all, He created it (and me).