I am a fan of “Downton Abbey.” And really, I might be a bit obsessed. For some reason, this show is sticking with me long after the TV has been turned off. Partly perhaps it’s a longing for the bygone years when men were gentlemen, ladies were, well…ladies, honor mattered and life just seemed, not less complex, but less cluttered (or at least that’s my perception – often I attribute clutter to modern technology). I’ve even taken a few very silly “which Downton Abbey character are you?” online tests. I’m the same character every time – Lady Mary Crawley. Here’s what the last one said: You are Lady Mary Crawley
You are pretty, a bit of a flirt, proud, and introspective. You yearn to be free and find lasting love
I confess it is this character that has resonated the most. In some ways I can relate to her. Well not the pretty and flirty part (seriously – I’ve got no game in the flirty world). But Lady Mary has all the outward appearance of being strong, confident and self-assured. She usually doesn’t care what people think of her and rarely does what she is told, even when she knows she should. Every time she puts on a strong face in front of others, I can relate. Every time she hides her true feelings, I can relate. Every time she hides her tears, I can relate. Every time she relies on duty or logic at the sacrifice of her heart, I can relate. I can even relate, at least mentally, to a disastrous night she once had with a Turk. And as the test above says, I am proud and introspective and yearn to be free and find lasting love. That is Mary. It is also me.
Yes, I know it is a fictional character. Honestly it feels silly that I’ve spent so much time thinking about it. But maybe it’s not time wasted. It’s actually making me wonder if Jesus has something in this for me. But what? I think to answer that, I’m going to have to be unlike Mary and actually be vulnerable. Actually Mary does have moments of real vulnerability (one coming up soon – I’ve seen some spoilers!). So here is a moment for me.
I guess what is resonating the most with me is Mary’s longing to marry Matthew, the only man she has ever really loved. But even before it was defined as that, it was just her longing to love and be loved that first caught my heart. That is the deepest desire of my heart. It weighs on me heavily and often, more than I’ve ever admitted to anyone. It affects me more than I’ve ever admitted. I have never made known the depths of my occasional loneliness. And the fact that I’ve NEVER really dated doesn’t help. Just makes me wonder one of two things – what is wrong with me and what kind of a God am I serving who creates me with this desire and then withholds it. And honestly that leaves me angry and hurt and disappointed. Of course my head can correct my theology there. But unfortunately my heart doesn’t give a damn what my head thinks.
I’ve had 3 major crushes in adulthood. One with a guy who didn’t find me attractive and pretty much said so (which is wounding for sure). One with a guy who was never interested and never knew I had a crush on him. They are both married with kids now. And one with Donald Miller, which is probably more fantasy than anything. Especially since we’ve never met and he doesn’t know I exist. OK, that’s not technically true. I heard him speak once and shook his hand and was so smitten all I could say was, “big fan.” Yes, it was my “I carried a watermelon?!” moment.
And let’s talk about some scripture. Psalms says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” It basically says that same thing in several places. I’ve always heard that explained that if you delight yourself in the Lord that your desires would change and match His will for you. That has always bothered me simply because that is not what the passage says. It says He will give me the desires of my heart. This desire of mine to be married I believe IS from Him. I didn’t create it, He created it in me. And scripture even has examples of the Lord granting the desires of people’s hearts. Hannah. Sarah. Ruth. Solomon. Esther. Which still leaves me wondering, “seriously Lord, WTF?”
And don’t try to correct my theology here or tell me how long some of those characters waited or what they had to go through, etc. My head can already do that. Again it’s a heart issue and as before mentioned my heart doesn’t give a damn about my head.
All of this has been on my mind pretty heavily lately. That and a little life/career stuff, no big deal, right? It’s all made me feel very weak in my faith, honestly. I’ve often found myself questioning how committed I am to following Jesus. I think, “look where it’s gotten me – lonely and stuck. Maybe this is as good as it gets.”
But then this morning in church I heard His still small voice speak to my heart. “You’re stronger than you think you are, Jana. When you are weak, I am strong. Who will rescue you from yourself? I will. Because I love you. I know you’re heart and I love your heart. Trust me. Trust me and let me be strong for you. This is NOT as good as it gets. I have so much more for you. Just trust Me and rest in my strength.”
There is much more life and career stuff that plays into all this too. It’s not all about finding love and being loved. But one thing is for sure. When Jesus speaks to my heart like that, I hear it. And I want to believe it. And need more of it.
