Anyone reading this blog (all, like, 2 of you – if that many) knows that lately I’ve been a bit introspective. I turned 33 and for reason that began a season of life evaluation. I’ve noted circumstances I don’t like, things I would like to change, etc. But really, beneath all the circumstances, there are some heart level issues the Lord is revealing to me that I’m having to deal with. Here is the issue of the day.
God is boring. At least that is what I think I believe. Intellectually I may not believe that is true, but practically, that is how I live. I live as if God is boring. What do I mean? Well, in some ways it all goes back to my believe of me just being average in every department – average personality, average intelligence, average looking, etc. Follow my logic. If I am just average, well, that must be the reason no one has really ever pursued me, including to some extent my own father. And therefore, since no one has ever pursued me, then I must not be pursuable. And believing that, I probably act in a way that communicates that I’m not pursuable. And since I have no experience of anyone really pursuing me, I wonder if God pursues me.
That is what this is really about. Does God pursue me and if so, how? No doubt this is connected to my relationship with my Dad. My parents were divorced before I could form a memory and therefore Dad was always the “fun weekend and vacations” Dad. I actually think I have an OK relationship with him and he and mom seemingly handled the divorce pretty well under the circumstances. Even when both were remarried, we could all, step parents and all, get together for family celebrations and get along. But does my Dad pursue me? Sometimes, but I think rarely. I have no doubt of His love for me, I just think he pursues me when it’s convenient for him, every so often and then puts most of the burden of relationship on me. “When are you going to come see me?”
That is how I view the Lord’s pursuit of me. He loves me no doubt. But it’s a boring love. He pursues me when it’s convenient, or when I’m so desperate He is duty bound to respond, being my “heavenly Father.” I do not believe He loves me and pursues me with a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. I do not believe He is that crazy about me.
But the Biblical record says otherwise. The Bible speaks of a God in Hosea who wildly, passionately and persistently pursued His lover. The Bible speaks of a God who is an all consuming fire, who led His children by a mighty pillar of fire and cloud of smoke, who parted the Red Sea to free His children. It speaks of a God who delights in me. It speaks of a God who so passionately and deeply loved and pursued His children that He sacrificed His own Son to be with us. That is a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. And anything but boring.
Intellectually I believe that is how God pursues me. My head believes it, my heart doubts it. I am either yet to experience that kind of pursuit, or I fail to recognize it being blinded by my own self and the false things I believe about myself. I feel helpless to remove the blinders. I need the Lord to show me His passionate, wild, persistent pursuit of me. I need Him to become my lover.
