Estonia - End

Just 21 years ago, Estonia won its independence. A small country that has a long history of being occupied by other nations, it finally was it's own free nation. Just 21 years ago, it was illegal to be a Christian and be open about it here. It was illegal to gather together to worship. It was illegal to gather together to pray. During the Soviet era there was a pastor who dreamed that one day, all believers in the country could publicly gather and worship together. Most believed it was a pipe dream that would never happen.

That dream happened in Estonia today. Today was Kristuspaeval 2012 (Christ Day 2012) in Estonia. As a conference we all gathered in a soccer stadium and joined Estonian nationals from every region of Estonia to gather together to worship and pray for this small country. Organized by CRU staff in Estonia and others, pastors from all denominations and churches from all over the country gathered together to beseech the Lord to bring revival to Estonia and that it would spread to all the world. It was an incredible day and so fun to be a part of.

Here is a picture from the day.

This evening, for my last time few hours in Tallinn, I decided to walk through Old Town one last time. I bought a couple of last minute souvenirs and then decided to hit the square one last time. I'm so glad I did. In the square were some of the youth from our conference who are participating in the arts track, singing songs and sharing testimonies. These particular youth were a band from Germany, so they were actually pretty good. I laughed as I listened to acoustic songs by Katy Perry and others. But as I sat there and listened, I almost broke down in tears. Yes, I'm exhausted. Yes, it's been a full week here in Tallinn and my heart is full. But as I listened to them sing and share testimonies to a crowd of Estonians that had gathered around, I just kept thinking about how far things in Estonia had come. And how great our God is.

Just over 20 years ago, this was illegal. 15 years ago, this was just unlikely. When I lived here then, stuff like this just didn't happen. I doubt then that anyone would have stopped and listened. But somehow, today, Estonians are different. They stopped. They engaged. They watched. They listened. They clapped. They let their children dance right by the performers. They were happy.

Yes, Estonia is one of the least churched nations in Europe. Yes, less than 1% claim to follow Jesus. And yet tonight I saw hope. And hope not just for Estonia, but for all of Western Europe. This week has showed me that God is up to something in Europe and people are coming to know Him, sometimes miraculously so. He has not turned His back on this land.

I had a drink tonight with an American/Canadian family that has lived here for 17 years and was around when I lived in Tartu, Linden and Janice Viinalass. They are an incredible couple who moved here with their 5 kids to be salt and light to Linden's Estonian relatives. Tonight Linden encouraged me with these words. "Go with our Great God." Go with our Great God. Hmmm. As I move forward in my life, I want to go with, not just God, but remembering that He is indeed great. I want to go with my Great God. And now, as I leave Estonia, I pray that our Great God will move in this nation and across all of Western Europe. He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all we ask and imagine.

And so my time in Estonia comes to an end. But what a day! Christ Day in the soccer stadium, the Viinalass', and truth being declared to an interested audience in the square! Again, what a day. No doubt I will continue processing all that has transpired this week. I hope this week stays with me. I hope I continue going with our Great God.

Next stop - London. Go Team USA!

Estonia Part 3

So part of my coming back to Tallinn was not just to see old friends, but to participate in "Heartbeat Tallinn," a conference for all of Western European Campus Crusade for Christ staff and students. It's really been a unique and special time and really good for my heart. So good, I'm actually having a hard time putting words to it. But I will try to capture a bit of what I've experienced.

First, it's been great to see that there are people in Western Europe who passionately love Jesus and long to see their countries reached with the Gospel and they are trusting Jesus with really big things. We have heard testimonies from all over of people coming to know the Lord. Some of the most encouraging stories for me have been ones that talk about Muslims from Iran coming to know Jesus in Great Britain. And then the stories of Albania, where only 20 years ago there were MAYBE 1000 believers to now having 110 CRU staff members and sending out others to reach neighboring Muslim countries. It is encouraging to see what God is doing around the world.

It is also challenging. When I was on staff with CRU I took being a part of large movements like this for granted. The large vision we had was just part of the job. I'm realizing I've really missed being a part of a large movement/vision. This week has been a really good reminder that it's really not about me. Of course I know that, but I'm very quick to forget. And back in Texas I get so caught up just in the crap of life (debt, bills, entertainment, job, career, etc) that I forgot about mission. Life can easily drown out mission and I have allowed it to do so. There is something here that I miss. I don't think this means I'm going to re-join staff with CRU or anything. But this should mean something. We'll have to wait and see.

I've also been hit with this phrase that one of the speakers, a staff guy from Switzerland, said yesterday. He asked, "have you lowered your faith, to match your experience?" That has stuck with me. I was immediately struck with how that is true in my life. My experience has been king lately, dictating how I feel and sometimes what I do. I've allowed my faith to grow small. I've let circumstances dictate my faith instead of choosing faith to overcome the circumstances. I'm tired of having small faith. Again, not sure what will come of this. But something should.

And it has been so sweet to see old friends who were involved in the ministry some as far back as 18 years ago. Thursday night we celebrated the 25th anniversary of CRU in Estonia. It was a special event attended by Steve Douglas, Vonette Bright, and other CRU big wigs were in the house too (Steve Sellers and even Paul Eshelman). But the best part for me was reconnecting with old familiar faces. Here is Meelika. I met her on summer project in 1994. She wasn't a believer when we met, but became one with the CRU team that followed the summer project. I came back a year later and took up discipling her. I remember tackling the book of Hebrews with her, which was quite an undertaking. She is now married, with 2 kids and is a practicing doctor in her town. She continues to walk with Jesus and is doing well.

And then there is Dima. I love this kid (who is not really a kid anymore!). Dima was involved in our ministry for several years (6-7 years). He was in high school when I first met him. He is a VIP in the Estonia Ministry of Finance now and is working on his PhD in Norway (something about using marketing to make people feel better about paying their taxes!). But more than that, he holds a special place in my heart and always will. I surprised myself by getting teary when I saw him and am even a little teary now as I type this thinking about him. Honestly, I'm not sure about his walk with the Lord. There are things in his life that I think could hinder it, but we didn't really get a chance to talk about it. But we are committed to staying in touch via facebook. Please pray for him.

And finally, Katri. Katri was also involved in CRU for several years and I had the privilege of visiting a hospital during an outreach with Katri on Wednesday. It was so fun to connect with her and do ministry together again. She is doing well and involved in her local church.

In many ways, my heart is full. And yet there is one more, very exciting day left here in Estonia. Tomorrow is a special day. But I'll save that for tomorrow's post.

Of course, another effect of being here is that I'm really missing living in Europe. But that's all I'll say about that otherwise my family may revolt against me. Don't worry parents, I have no plans currently. ;-)

Estonia Day 2

This is the view from my hotel room. Nothing special here. The only thing of note is that it's 10:15 PM. Hello white nights.

Also here are some more views of Old Town. Since I was last here, they have renovated and opened the tower of town hall so that now you can climb to the top and take pictures. The staircase was steep and narrow but we made it. And as we discovered, the bell does still ring on the hour. Thankfully it was only 4 pm when we were there. Anyway, some of the pictures are from the top of the tower.

My next post, maybe even later today, I'll write more about the conference and what has been so special about being here. Stay tuned.

Estonia - Day 1

So amazing to be back in Estonia. I think it's been 10+ years since my last visit. A lot has changed. When I first came here back in 1994, it was still very obvious that this place had once been under Soviet rule. That is no longer true. At least in the modern city center. I once remember saying that visiting Helsinki, Finland or Stockholm, Sweden were glimpes of what Estonia would have been without the Soviet occupation. Well, I was right. In the 20+ years of being independent, the Estonians have all but erased the evidence of occupation. There are modern and western shopping malls and movie theaters and I haven't seen one Lada (which was a ridiculous Russian vehicle with a motor about as powerful as the one that powers your Dad's riding lawn mower). Estonia has joined the West. Western Europe to be exact. Which of course could be a mixed blessing. My cab driver from the airport spent time telling me about Estonia's economic difficulty. Small potatoes when compared to Greece, but still hard for those who call this place home.

Old Town Tallinn is still one of my favorite places on earth. Old cobblestone streets, sidewalk cafe's everywhere, quaint buildings, beautiful flowers, etc. If you try you can almost picture the peasants selling their wares with the princes and knights riding through on their horses. It's sometimes magical to be in a place 1000 years old. Today the food in those cafes is a bit more expensive and there are WAY more tourists than I ever remember, but the place is still charming. And while there IS a McDonalds in Old Town, there is no Starbucks anywhere. Some may think that sad, but I'm pleased that Old Town has mostly maintained the "old." Of course, a Starbucks in one of those malls that is pretty close would be just fine. I guess while many toursists have discovered this little, great place, Starbucks and other western commerical endeavors have not. Something tells me it's just a matter of time. And more than likely I would just learn how to say, "grande vanilla latte" in Estonian.

My first full day has been fun. I connected with some old friends who live in Spain but are here for the same reason as I and I had plenty of time to explore some things on my own. I'm calling it the calm before the storm. The conference starts in a couple of hours. Giddy up.

Today's View

I'm sitting on the side of a road near Eagle, Colorado and I just can't take my eyes off of the view.  The warm breeze, with a hint of mountain coolness in it, gently blowing the grass in the meadow.  The red tops of the barn like structures.  The rolling hills turning into majestic mountains with just a bit of snow left on the celestial tops.  The soft clouds and the aqua blue sky that mirrors the mountain lake just beyond those hills.  It's simple and yet breathtaking. 

And as I sit here taking in as much of the view as I can, I feel Him whispering to me.  "What does this view say about Me?"

So, allow me in a random chain of thoughts, to see if I can answer that question.  First, this scene tells me that like the rolling field being softly blown by the breeze, He is gentle.  It reminds me of scripture that talks about Him wooing us, bringing us into the wilderness, alluring us and speaking tenderly to us (Hosea 2:14).  He is that still, small voice that gently speaks and tells me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.  I spend a lot of time complaining to God about what I perceive to be lacking in my life.  And yet, like this constant wind (today anyway), He is always there.  No matter how much I neglect Him, He won't go away.  He's either a glutton for punishment or He loves me more than I can imagine.  He is the lover I long for.  I need to pay more attention.

This view also tells me that He's into details when He creates something.  The different trees that create different colors on the hills, the rock that forms the mountains, the birds flying in the distance, even the places the snow refuses to melt reflect His detailed handiwork.  The details seem to be brushed into place with a beautiful and reckless and perfect abandon.  I picture God with a paintbrush, crazily but perfectly throwing the paint down.  Surely He had some awesome music playing when He made this, the strokes of His hands moving to the rhythm of some angelic music with electric guitars.  Or a full orchestra.  I go back and forth here.  Ooh, maybe electric guitar AND full orchestra.  Yes.  This tells me that God is creative.  He knows my whims and fancies.  He understands my unsettled and often fickle heart.  And sometimes what seems random can end up being perfect.  Of course, it's never random to Him.

I think looking at this view, that sometimes God creates things, simply because He likes them.  Maybe those mountains He created were not for me, although I can enjoy them.  Maybe they were just for Him.  Maybe He made them because they bring Him pleasure.  Maybe, like a perfect artist, He creates and then is proud of and loves His creation and it just makes Him happy.

Which brings me to me.  Maybe He's just as proud of me, as His creation, than He is of those mountains.  Maybe I simply bring Him pleasure.  Again, like the perfect artist, He sees me and delights in what He has done. 

And maybe, just maybe, if I thought of things like this, I'd pay a little more attention to the Lover found in the gentle breeze, the still soft Voice.  Perhaps it's time I start listening more.  Perhaps it's time I stop criticizing what His hand has made.  

Of course, let's not forget about His power.  200 miles to the north this same breeze is spreading a fire that is eating up thousands of acres and homes.  But as I look at this view, all I see is beauty in ashes.  Today, I'm dwelling on the beauty.  We'll save the ashes for another day.

Downton Abbey and Me

I am a fan of “Downton Abbey.” And really, I might be a bit obsessed. For some reason, this show is sticking with me long after the TV has been turned off. Partly perhaps it’s a longing for the bygone years when men were gentlemen, ladies were, well…ladies, honor mattered and life just seemed, not less complex, but less cluttered (or at least that’s my perception – often I attribute clutter to modern technology). I’ve even taken a few very silly “which Downton Abbey character are you?” online tests. I’m the same character every time – Lady Mary Crawley. Here’s what the last one said: You are Lady Mary Crawley

You are pretty, a bit of a flirt, proud, and introspective. You yearn to be free and find lasting love

I confess it is this character that has resonated the most. In some ways I can relate to her. Well not the pretty and flirty part (seriously – I’ve got no game in the flirty world). But Lady Mary has all the outward appearance of being strong, confident and self-assured. She usually doesn’t care what people think of her and rarely does what she is told, even when she knows she should. Every time she puts on a strong face in front of others, I can relate. Every time she hides her true feelings, I can relate. Every time she hides her tears, I can relate. Every time she relies on duty or logic at the sacrifice of her heart, I can relate. I can even relate, at least mentally, to a disastrous night she once had with a Turk. And as the test above says, I am proud and introspective and yearn to be free and find lasting love. That is Mary. It is also me.

Yes, I know it is a fictional character. Honestly it feels silly that I’ve spent so much time thinking about it. But maybe it’s not time wasted. It’s actually making me wonder if Jesus has something in this for me. But what? I think to answer that, I’m going to have to be unlike Mary and actually be vulnerable. Actually Mary does have moments of real vulnerability (one coming up soon – I’ve seen some spoilers!). So here is a moment for me.

I guess what is resonating the most with me is Mary’s longing to marry Matthew, the only man she has ever really loved. But even before it was defined as that, it was just her longing to love and be loved that first caught my heart. That is the deepest desire of my heart. It weighs on me heavily and often, more than I’ve ever admitted to anyone. It affects me more than I’ve ever admitted. I have never made known the depths of my occasional loneliness. And the fact that I’ve NEVER really dated doesn’t help. Just makes me wonder one of two things – what is wrong with me and what kind of a God am I serving who creates me with this desire and then withholds it. And honestly that leaves me angry and hurt and disappointed. Of course my head can correct my theology there. But unfortunately my heart doesn’t give a damn what my head thinks.

I’ve had 3 major crushes in adulthood. One with a guy who didn’t find me attractive and pretty much said so (which is wounding for sure). One with a guy who was never interested and never knew I had a crush on him. They are both married with kids now. And one with Donald Miller, which is probably more fantasy than anything. Especially since we’ve never met and he doesn’t know I exist. OK, that’s not technically true. I heard him speak once and shook his hand and was so smitten all I could say was, “big fan.” Yes, it was my “I carried a watermelon?!” moment.

And let’s talk about some scripture. Psalms says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” It basically says that same thing in several places. I’ve always heard that explained that if you delight yourself in the Lord that your desires would change and match His will for you. That has always bothered me simply because that is not what the passage says. It says He will give me the desires of my heart. This desire of mine to be married I believe IS from Him. I didn’t create it, He created it in me. And scripture even has examples of the Lord granting the desires of people’s hearts. Hannah. Sarah. Ruth. Solomon. Esther. Which still leaves me wondering, “seriously Lord, WTF?”

And don’t try to correct my theology here or tell me how long some of those characters waited or what they had to go through, etc. My head can already do that. Again it’s a heart issue and as before mentioned my heart doesn’t give a damn about my head.

All of this has been on my mind pretty heavily lately. That and a little life/career stuff, no big deal, right? It’s all made me feel very weak in my faith, honestly. I’ve often found myself questioning how committed I am to following Jesus. I think, “look where it’s gotten me – lonely and stuck. Maybe this is as good as it gets.”

But then this morning in church I heard His still small voice speak to my heart. “You’re stronger than you think you are, Jana. When you are weak, I am strong. Who will rescue you from yourself? I will. Because I love you. I know you’re heart and I love your heart. Trust me. Trust me and let me be strong for you. This is NOT as good as it gets. I have so much more for you. Just trust Me and rest in my strength.”

There is much more life and career stuff that plays into all this too. It’s not all about finding love and being loved. But one thing is for sure. When Jesus speaks to my heart like that, I hear it. And I want to believe it.  And need more of it.

Am I Creative?

I haven’t wanted to write lately. Well, that’s not entirely true. I want to write. I want to write for a living maybe. I want to be successful at it and be able to support myself at it. But every day I find a reason to avoid it or a way to distract myself from it. So I have to ask – what do I fear? Admittedly I’m in the midst of a creative struggle, one that’s lasted for years I’m discovering. I feel my heart is creative. I feel that’s where my passions are. I feel I have a creative side that has never been nurtured and never developed. I feel there is a whole side of me that has never made its presence known. Maybe there’s a “whole-er” me. This side of me that I believe exists is tied to a creativity I just feel I have. Who is the real me? Does my fear lay in that question? I think I’m a creative, but have nothing to prove it or to show for it. Do I fear that maybe, in spite of my felt passions, I’m not creative after all? Or am I afraid that I am creative, but will never do anything significant with it? Just like my love and desire to act. I’ve had that desire since I was in the 7th grade and discovered it in an elective drama class at school. I believe God made me with this desire. But nothing has ever come of it. I’ve had a strong desire to be married too, but nothing has come of that either. Perhaps I’m just wallowing in disappointment. So here’s the real question. Do I not try because I believe nothing will ever become of it? Do I fear and perhaps on some level believe that God has created me a certain way just to selfishly remind me that I need Him? Is God that kind of God? So when it comes down to it, my creative struggle is at some level, a theological one. Who do I really believe God is? I’ve bitched and complained to Him that He made me this way and angrily wondered why He would make me with certain desires, never to grant them. I’ve yelled. I’ve shouted. I’ve cried. I’ve begged and pleaded. I’ve also heard His small whisper to me saying, “Yes I made you this way. And I don’t make mistakes and I don’t play games. Stop complaining, look ahead and take some risks.” OK. But what risks? I don’t even know where to begin. My story needs an inciting incident. I need God to show me what kind of God He really is. But I think I need to take some risks for Him to do that. And I’m pretty sure that as soon as He does show me a glimpse of who He is, all my bitching and complaining will seem foolish and fall away. Like in “Till We Have Faces” by CS Lewis, my heart will discover that HE is the answer. I long for that day. In the meantime, well, writing this I suppose is a start.

A Quiet Gentleness

How do you hear from God? I’ve been wondering that a lot lately. Sometimes I feel like I’ve forgotten how to hear Him. Has it been so long that I don’t recognize His voice? Perhaps I’ve just forgotten how to listen.

All of these options could be at play. Sometimes it seems like it’s been so long since I’ve really heard from Him that I wonder if He cares. Of course, intellectually, I know that’s not true. I know He cares. I know He speaks. It’s my heart that struggles. I long to hear from Him, to hear anything.

Recently I went to a cabin in the woods of East Texas to be alone with Him for a few days. I wanted to get rid of distraction – no cell phone coverage, no internet, no cable TV, etc. I took walks in the woods, sat by a lake and rested. I read passages of scripture and parts of books about God’s love and prayer. And still nothing. It was as if I was alone. Really alone.

One day, out of frustration, I decided to keep a list of what I was hearing. Here is my list:

• Birds – several different types, calling in the trees
• Squirrels jumping from tree branch to tree branch
• Trees – pine, cedar, elm and others – groaning and cracking as if to stretch stiff limbs to the sky
• Leaves falling. You can actually hear leaves falling from the canopy to the ground.
• Insects – all sorts – locusts, bees, flies, crickets
• Deer – hidden in the trees stomping their feet, eating the grass, running away
• The rain – slowly arriving, announcing its presence, and then building to a crescendo before retreating again
• Fish jumping
• Turtles, quietly and peacefully poking their heads thru the smooth glass surface of the water
• The crinkling leaves as the biggest scorpion I’ve ever scene walks across them (I went the other direction).
• Frogs
• The distant barking of dogs
• The wind as it gently moves through the trees

All these things I heard and yet still wondered, “where was the Lord?” Ironic isn’t it, how sometimes we miss what is so obviously in front of us? I think I expected a dramatic “aha” moment (thank you Oprah) with Jesus that would drastically change the trajectory of my life. I missed it. He arrived in the quiet gentleness of my surroundings, the quiet grandeur of His creation. I expected to be swept off my feet. Instead I got a gentle caress of my cheek, as if to say, “I’m here, and I love you. Hang in there my love.”

I wanted drama. I got intimacy. He really does know what I want.

Driving thru Yellowstone

Several years ago I was on vacation with my friend in Yellowstone National Park. Neither of us had been there before and sadly, we had just one day to sort of “drive thru.” I don’t recommend that. If you ever go to Yellowstone, plan to stay a few days. Driving thru in one day is sort of like flying over Greenland and then claiming you’ve been there.

Anyway, we had a fun day of seeing just about as much as you can see in one day. Rivers, mountains, elk, buffalo, moose…even a bald eagle. And just as the sun was setting and we were about to head out of the park we saw one last sign. “Little Canyon of Yellowstone ==>” We looked at each other wondering if we should rush to see some little canyon before sunset. What the heck, we figured. So we turned right, parked and got out of the car.

We didn’t expect much. We slowly got out of the car and began to walk up to the observation deck. That’s when it happened. With each step closer our jaws dropped just a little further. It was breathtaking. Stunning. Majestic. Glorious. There was the roaring waterfall. The steep cliffs crashing down to the raging river. The sun hitting the cliffs giving the rocks a vibrant yellow and orange glow as if aflame. Words and even a picture fail to really describe the moment. My friend and I just stood there and stared for a long few moments, trying our best to absorb all we could in this holy moment.

I’ve been thinking about this memory a lot lately. It reminds me to anticipate the glorious in life. Life is hard. It is not often what one hopes and dreams it will be. There are disappointments. And sometimes you’ve just kind of operated for so long just doing what you do, that you fail to notice you are disappointed or that something is just not right. This has been me for the last few years. Frustrated. Disappointed. Sad. And not really noticing it. Kind of like driving around through Yellowstone, noticing the obvious (like the buffalo right beside the road), anticipating nothing divine. And yet, in sore need of the divine.

“Be still” is the phrase stuck in my head. “Be still and know that I am God.” I find this discipline difficult if not impossible these days. I blame it on modern and convenient technology. It has evaporated my attention span. If God doesn’t show up or answer me in 30 seconds, which is way longer than it takes my internet home page to come up, then I’m frustrated and done. I don’t know how to be still anymore.

But Jesus did it all the time. And while he didn’t have the modern technology that we have, he had plenty of things and people demanding His attention, offering distraction. Disciples worried about their next meal, people wanting to hear him teach, fisherman needing a little help with their catch, people wanting to be healed, religious people trying to trap him, etc. And yet there are several examples in scripture of Jesus sneaking away, away from the crowd, the noise to pray and be still.

It is possible. And I think in those moments where we can finally be still, He likes to show us a little more of who He is. Not that it’s a formula to fix the crap of life. By no means. It’s simply an invitation to commune and anticipate.

Life is still occasionally hard and disappointing. But that day at Yellowstone, as I stood there soaking it all in, I learned a little bit more about the Creator. I saw His beauty, His creativity, His power, His glory. And it was breathtaking. I think He longs to take our breaths away every chance He gets. And I for one, need Him too.

Valet Bicycles, Botox and Bald Eagles

OK, I know it has been forever since my last post. So sorry. But there has been a lot of transition in my life over the last 3 months and needless to say, things have been a bit hectic. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have things to write about because, believe me, I do. One can’t travel to California and back twice without having something to write about. So, upon my return, if anyone is still reading, we’ll begin there.

One of the transitions I’ve made is a new job. More about that later. But for this post, you should know that I work for a company that makes films, among other things. Right now we are busy with several different documentary projects. It’s been a crazy 3-4 months, but also a lot of fun.

To make these films we have had to travel to LA on 2 separate occasions. These were my first trips back to LA since I went as a child on vacation with my Dad, step-mom and sister. That was the year 1984. I know that because it was also the year that the Olympics were in LA (Mary Lou Retton, Lionel Richie at the closing ceremonies – what more could you want?) and we happened to be there just 2 or so weeks AFTER the Olympics. But Olympic stuff was still everywhere. Thus, it was late August of 1984. And I guess I should mention that I had a “Lil Orphan Annie” curly perm cut mullet style. What can I say? My mother still reigned over my hair. In retrospect, I looked like a 10 year old, curly headed lesbian (is it wrong to say that?). My tube socks probably didn’t help.

So after all these years it was actually fun to return to LA, even though travel wreaks havoc on my diet. There was a lot I got to do, other than just work of course. And even some of that was fun. We did get to film interviews on the sets of “Greys Anatomy” and “The Best Damned Sports Show Ever.” That was pretty cool. And I got to hang out with a friend who just recently moved there and she took me to a Dodger Game. That was pretty awesome. And Catalina Island is pretty cool too. For that day, me and a couple of others rented a tiny motor boat and rode around the island. We had a couple of those sacred nature moments when we spotted a baby seal on the shore, just to have it’s mom poke it’s head up about 10 feet in front of us and just stare at us for a moment. And then, a few minutes later, we had a young, bald eagle circle us several times before the damn seagulls chased it away. Pretty cool stuff.

But there is also, what I like to call, the plastic side of LA. Like, the elderly man pushing a stroller that is probably holding his children, NOT his grandchildren. Or when we drove through Beverly Hills and Bel Air at what was apparently quitting time for all the maids, as they were being dropped off by their employers at the bus stops. Then there was the paparazzi chasing someone (I didn’t recognize her) as she shopped on Rodeo Drive. And not to mention all the botoxed, face lifted, big hair, plastic people who refuse to look their age. And then my personal favorite, the sign outside a restaurant that said, “Valet Bicycle Parking.” Seriously?! Do we need valet parking for a bicycle? Isn’t the point of riding your bike make valet parking a bit ironic. Only in California.

So, what is the point of all this? Well for one, it sure is good to be home. Secondly, if you want to people watch, LA is a great place (I didn’t even mention the hippie acrobat at Santa Monica beach). But really, I think I’ve learned that I am quick to judge things by their appearances. What was an amusing sort of game, can also be a hurtful pattern. Not one I want to become a habit for sure.

I think I need a few more of those moments like with the seal or the bald eagle, in the peaceful calm, that take my breath away, interrupt the mayhem and cause me to slow down and hear His still, small voice. Perhaps in that quiet solitude, I’ll learn to love like Him and not judge.

The Nerd Within Us All

OK, recently I divulged to you my secret like of Battlestar Galactica. It’s a good show, I admit it (although for those of you who are fans and watch it – they better get back to fighting Cylons. The show isn’t as good without the Cylons. There is such a thing as too much character development. Still a good show though).

Having divulged this, my question is now this: why do we try so hard to hide the nerd within us? We’re all a bit nerdy in some way in my estimation. Why not just own it and come out with it. Wouldn’t it be great and very entertaining if the inner nerd within us all was a part of the daily persona we show to everyone? Talk about authenticity. And that’s what we all want, right? Authentic community? Of course, that’s also what we’re fiercely afraid of, but that’s another blog article all together.

I think sometimes when we talk or consider authenticity, we do so only in the category of “sharing our struggles, our sins.” We define being vulnerable with someone as equal to sharing all of our crap with them. And therefore, authenticity and vulnerability become these monster size thing to do. Of course, I don’t want to take away from that kind of vulnerability. It is needed and biblical and definitely is where unconditional love and grace can be found.

But what if authentic community involved sharing all of our quirky, fun nerdy-ness without apology to our friends as well. I think that would be a blast. And I know 2 pastors who would no longer have to hide their likes of Justin Timberlake and Pink, respectively (I’m not naming names, don’t ask).

So, in the spirit of encouraging authentic nerdy-ness amongst us all, here is my list of top 10 things that make me a nerd.

1. I like Battlestar Galactica
2. I like Celine Dion – I don’t own her music and probably never will, but when her song is on the radio and I’m by myself, I sing like I’m on a Vegas stage, baby.
3. I love looking at maps – not for knowing where I’m going, I just like looking at maps (I am very good with directions though and can navigate a foreign city like nobody’s business).
4. I like watching documentary films.
5. I know lots of useless facts and trivia – which may not sound nerdy, but definitely is when I quote one in public (unless I’m playing Trivial Pursuit).
6. I’m Chandler Bing – I get uncomfortable in emotional moments and tend to crack a joke – which is rarely appropriate and leaves people feeling awkward and me inwardly calling myself a dork.
7. I’m Monica Geller – I’m a neat freak and my roommates would probably say I can be a bit of a nazi neat freak, though I would disagree (and yes, for those of you wondering, you do rinse the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher, first you cleanse, then you sterilize).
8. I’m good with electronics. I can hook most things up and run things without looking at directions. Most girls would never admit to it.
9. I’m flat footed and my feet often hurt.
10. I have to use an asthma inhaler when I run – which shouldn’t be nerdy since it’s a medical necessity, but it just is.

OK, now it’s your turn. Play along in the comments. I want to know your nerdy-ness. Don’t hide anymore. Embrace the Urkel inside.

Valentine Musings

Ok, with it being Valentines Day, I feel obligated to write something about that. I'm not sure what, so we'll just see what comes as I type. Buckle up, this could be interesting. Consider this all of my random thoughts that come on a day like today.

First, my mom called and invited me out to dinner with her and my step dad. Hmm... usually I'm all about a free meal. But there is something pathetic about having dinner with mommy on Valentines Day. At least it feels that way. So I respectfully declined and made up some excuse about having friends over to watch Lost tonight. Then I set about making that happen. Thanks to the friends coming over for pizza and Lost later.

Yesterday,I helped film a show about an 800 lb lady going to get gastric by pass surgery. She has been bed-ridden for over a year. And she has a boy friend. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? Yes, there is some humor there, but there is also some realness. Taking this lady out of the picture (becasue really she is beautiful) I am still left with a feeling of "what is wrong with me." I haven't had a real date in I don't know how long. I know I'm supposed to trust in the Lord's sovereignty, and I do. But I can't help thinking, "why not even a date, Lord?" Why does no one want to date me? I don't really want to ponder that too much. It could reveal truth I don't want to know right now. E Harmony here I come.

OK, I have several married friends who like to say, "oh... this day isn't really a big deal for us, we really don't like Valentines Day and all of it's commercialism..." blah blah blah. Just so you all know, that doesn't really make a single person feel better. I personally think it's easy for you to say that. You have the opportunity to celebrate it as you wish, any day of the year (as you romantics like to claim). When that is the case I can see how you could grow tired of Valentines Day (and really, IS that the case?). In this case, I'd like the opportunity to grow tired of Feb. 14th. Of course, I am tired of Feb. 14th, but for altogether different reasons.

In honor of fellow singleton, Bridget Jones (please read with Rene Zellweger's british accent)-
"Feb. 14th - Valentines Day. Agh! 1**lbs (bugger!), 4 vodkas, and 2 packs of cigs and it's only noon. Off to smashing start!"

OK, really, despite what I've written and perhaps the tone above, I really am fine with this day. Yes, it brings up feelings of lonliness, but those crop up every so often anyway. And I do wonder why it hasn't been in the Lord's sovereign plan for me to be dating someone in the past 17 years and do I somehow put off men. But I think those thoughts other days as well. It's all part of being single and honest before the Lord about it. But the last thing I want to be is a bitter single person. And the three keys to avoiding that - at least in my estimation - are the following. One, complete trust in the goodness and blessing of my Savior. He has blessed me tremendously as a singleton and I freely embrace His blessing and am grateful and humbled for it. Two - community. Good friends who know me well, with whom I can be vulnerable with and who ask the hard questions. Authentic community I think leads to authentic praise and thanksgiving. And three - praise and thanksgiving. And I don't mean just praise and thanksgiving to my Lord, which I believe is crucial. But being thankful with my married friends. I must join in their celebrations. When friends get married - I must join in the happiness. When friends have children, I must enter into the joy. Real, authentic participation in the blessings of my married friends is necessary to keeping my heart free from bitterness.

So, in light of that - to all my non-single friends who read this - enjoy the day. Cherish your date or spouse. Love each other well. Celebrate the blessing you are to each other. And I'll celebrate with you. Metaphorically speaking, that is. I won't actually BE with you. That would be weird and awkward.

I'm Serious, it's the Best Show on TV

Alright. I guess it’s time. I’m about to reveal to you a bit of my inner dorkiness. My inner sci-fi geek is about to come out. For the record, let me state the following. I am NOT a huge sci-fi fan. Yes, I loved Star Wars – it was part of my childhood. I remember standing in line on opening night to see “Return of The Jedi.” And later tuned in weekly for episodes of “Quantum Leap,” which I thought ended just when it was getting really good. And OK, I loved “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy, but really, who didn’t. Ok, and on occasion I would watch an episode of “Next Generation” but that was only to bug my brother who liked the original “Star Trek” better. For a while I would ask him to do stuff and follow it with, “Make it so number one!” It drove him crazy, which is what little sisters are for in my estimation. If acting is not a requirement, I guess he can like whatever he wants. But other than that, I really am not much of a sci-fi fan. Seriously.

So now I must reveal to you that one of my favorite TV shows and I think the best written show on television is “Battlestar Galactica.” Yes, it’s sci-fi. I can’t get around that. It’s aired on the sci-fi channel. But really it’s more than that. And since I have received quite a bit of teasing from friends who laugh and mock the show without ever having seen it (I think they are afraid they will like it), I figured I would offer my defense.

Yes, it’s true the show has a sci-fi premise. Humans created Cylons, who once were just freaky robots but now have evolved to look and feel human (they can even reproduce and bear children with humans). The Cylons rebelled and have annihilated most of the human race and the 12 colonies the humans lived on. So the remaining humans, numbering around 50,000 and trying to avoid complete genocide, are out there trying to find the mythical 13th colony – earth. And while they search, they of course have to fight off the Cylons, who are also looking for earth. That’s the premise, more or less.

But that is not what makes this show great. What makes the show great is that it is really about life and humanity. The choices we make and their consequences. The flaws we have. Our ambitions, goals, dreams, hurts, pains, etc. You get the point. And real life, controversial topics are covered and covered well. Questions arise such as, should a president lead according to his/her faith? Or, when the survival of the human race depends upon procreation, should abortion be allowed? Is genocide an available, viable tactic in war (you’ll be surprised how much you think so)? Is revenge or pardon necessary for healing? According to one article, “In just a few short years, the new version has become one of the most talked-about series on TV, mainly for it's ability to tackle controversial current issues, such as terrorism, war and politics skillfully disguised as science fiction.” And Grace Park, one of the actors on the show says, "Whatever you want to see or whatever you're struggling with in life, you can see there, whether it be politics or terrorism or war, hope, faith, struggle, love. It's all in there. Or if you just want plain action and neck-snapping plot twists, you've got that too."

That is what makes it great. It is a good story, disguised as sci-fi. And the show is brilliantly written. It has even won a prestigious Peabody Award for writing.

The show is now in it’s 3rd season, which I believe is usually a critical season. Look at some former favorites like Lost and Alias. By the 3rd season they both were/are declining. Don’t misunderstand, I’m still a fan of Lost. But Battlestar Galactica, as goofy as it may sound, is by far better and has never disappointed.

So tune in if you dare. But I do recommend starting at the beginning. The mini series that began it all and the first 2 seasons are available on Netflix and Itunes. Or bravely jump in the middle of things and tune in Sunday nights on the Sci-fi channel (channel 58 for Time Warner cable folks in the Austin area – I had to look it up). And in so doing embrace your inner sci-fi geek. It’s OK. I would, except that I really don’t like sci-fi.


For another review, check out what my friend Randy says at: his blog

Last note - I am inclined to add the following warning - because it is on cable, and cable can get away with more, the show can be raunchy at times. Be careful and have the fast forward button ready.

The Pursuit of Pursuit

Ok, now for the long awaited update. So sorry it has been so long. To be honest, I've just been uninspired when it comes to writing anything. I've had ideas, just not the inclination to actually sit down and write them out. Oh well, we all enjoy periods of laziness, right?

Recently I wrote and said that I believed that the Lord's pursuit of me was boring. I wrote that the night before I went to a conference that potentially was life changing. I won't go into all the detial here, but to say the least, I no longer believe that the Lord's pursuit of me is boring. In fact, I now see it as sweetly constant.

I think there is a lot about the Lord that I miss because I like to define things according to how they are defined in the world around me or my experience in the world. But you can't do that with the Lord. I think one will always go astray when you compare the Lord and how He works to someone or some experience in a fallen world. It just never works. You will end up with not only a false belief, but a much smaller view of who God is.

That's what I did in contemplating His pursuit of me. I compared Him to my Dad and my experience. I expected His pursuit of me to, well, I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but be like what I see in the movies (which I know is never real). That feels silly to say. Anyway, I wanted His pursuit of me to rush in like a hero and sweep me off my feet every day, my knight in shining armor. Of course now I think that sounds exhausting.

What I've discovered is that His pursuit of me is passionate and gentle, constant and real, subtle and overwhelming. Its daily persistence with a gentle, guiding and loving touch. It engages my heart and mind, not just my emotions. It's lasting, not just an emotional moment of being swept up and away. It's exactly what I need, when I need it. And sometimes, I think it can only be seen and recognized in hindsight.

That last one maybe is a result of living and being surrounded by a fallen world. I'm too easily distracted to recognize His daily pursuit. But I know it's there. And when my eyes are cleared and I finally do see it, my heart is again wooed, and full of praise.

His pursuit of me is pure, constant, persistant, holy, passionate and unwavering and unending. And it is real. Personally, I found it more romantic than the emotional rush of the knight sweeping me off my feet. It is nothing like anything I've ever known and/or experienced. It's nothing like this world. So don't try to define it, that's no good. Leave the defining up to Him. After all, His ways are much higher than ours.

Bored No More

After much consideration and perhaps a life changing weekend, I have a confession. I was wrong in that last post. Since I wrote it I've actually discovered that the Lord does indeed persistently pursue me. And nothing about Him is boring. More later when I have time. I just felt the need to correct this wrong thinking.

I realize I've neglected my blog lately. I promise a return soon.

Wild Lover?

Anyone reading this blog (all, like, 2 of you – if that many) knows that lately I’ve been a bit introspective. I turned 33 and for reason that began a season of life evaluation. I’ve noted circumstances I don’t like, things I would like to change, etc. But really, beneath all the circumstances, there are some heart level issues the Lord is revealing to me that I’m having to deal with. Here is the issue of the day.

God is boring. At least that is what I think I believe. Intellectually I may not believe that is true, but practically, that is how I live. I live as if God is boring. What do I mean? Well, in some ways it all goes back to my believe of me just being average in every department – average personality, average intelligence, average looking, etc. Follow my logic. If I am just average, well, that must be the reason no one has really ever pursued me, including to some extent my own father. And therefore, since no one has ever pursued me, then I must not be pursuable. And believing that, I probably act in a way that communicates that I’m not pursuable. And since I have no experience of anyone really pursuing me, I wonder if God pursues me.

That is what this is really about. Does God pursue me and if so, how? No doubt this is connected to my relationship with my Dad. My parents were divorced before I could form a memory and therefore Dad was always the “fun weekend and vacations” Dad. I actually think I have an OK relationship with him and he and mom seemingly handled the divorce pretty well under the circumstances. Even when both were remarried, we could all, step parents and all, get together for family celebrations and get along. But does my Dad pursue me? Sometimes, but I think rarely. I have no doubt of His love for me, I just think he pursues me when it’s convenient for him, every so often and then puts most of the burden of relationship on me. “When are you going to come see me?”

That is how I view the Lord’s pursuit of me. He loves me no doubt. But it’s a boring love. He pursues me when it’s convenient, or when I’m so desperate He is duty bound to respond, being my “heavenly Father.” I do not believe He loves me and pursues me with a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. I do not believe He is that crazy about me.

But the Biblical record says otherwise. The Bible speaks of a God in Hosea who wildly, passionately and persistently pursued His lover. The Bible speaks of a God who is an all consuming fire, who led His children by a mighty pillar of fire and cloud of smoke, who parted the Red Sea to free His children. It speaks of a God who delights in me. It speaks of a God who so passionately and deeply loved and pursued His children that He sacrificed His own Son to be with us. That is a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. And anything but boring.

Intellectually I believe that is how God pursues me. My head believes it, my heart doubts it. I am either yet to experience that kind of pursuit, or I fail to recognize it being blinded by my own self and the false things I believe about myself. I feel helpless to remove the blinders. I need the Lord to show me His passionate, wild, persistent pursuit of me. I need Him to become my lover.

The Genius of Jane Austen

As of late I’ve been pondering a very simple question. Why is “Pride and Prejudice” so beloved by millions? And I don’t mean just simply loved like a great book (though it is). I mean really loved. In such ways that sequels have been attempted, websites created, debate over which filmed version is better occurring, fan clubs formed, DVD’s sold, watched multiple times per owner and oft quoted. In reality, it has it’s own subculture. If you don’t believe me just google it – I spent an hour playing on sites and taking tests to see which sister I was most like and which man was for me – which perfectly worked out to be Jane and Bingly because of my inherent sweetness and politeness (the tests knew me so well!). This story is LOVED. But what is at the core of the story that creates such affection for it? That is what has vexed me lately. And at times, I have been excessively diverted.

Now before any of my male friends stop reading, let me assure you that I have met plenty of men who have agreed that it is a good story and have ended up enjoying it even though originally forced to watch it. I give you leave to like it. You’ve liked many a stupider thing before. And I understand your unwillingness to admit your like of it. In vain have we subjected you to less worthy flicks (from Anne of Green Gables to Failure to Launch), and then accused you of being void of any real feeling. And I know most of you would categorize “Anchorman” under “Classics” and that’s OK (secretly maybe I would too). But there’s something attractive even to the male audience about this one. So before you find those aforementioned male fans and make them turn in their man cards, watch it for yourself. Perhaps it will induce you to behave in a more gentleman like manner.

Now to the point – why is it so liked? Well, you know my candor well enough to know me capable of getting to the point, so here it is. I think it is liked because, at its core, it is about righteousness. Let me explain. The story presents an age when propriety still meant something. Now, yes, of course Austen pokes a bit of fun at some of this propriety. And we come in contact with characters whose sense of doing what is right runs only skin deep and others who carry out the propriety of the day in pride and conceit. But it’s also about being patient for things to work out rightly instead of taking matters into your own hands and falling into sin (Lizzie and Jane vs. Wickham and Lydia). It’s about extending grace to others when they are too ignorant and naïve to recognize their need for it while knowing it will continue to cost you one way or another (Darcy to Wickham). It’s about recognizing your own sin and humbly changing your ways (Darcy and Lizzie). It’s about believing the best in everyone (Jane and Bingly). It’s about the consequences of unrighteousness (Wickham and Lydia). It’s about forgiveness instead of bitterness (Darcy’s, Bingly’s vs. Lady Catherine). It’s about community (Jane and Lizzie). It’s about purity and holiness in relationships and the lack there of (take your pick). And the list could go on.

Righteousness envelops this story, one way or another. And we are attracted to it, because we miss it. It is rare to find such displays of righteousness in the world in which we live. Propriety means nothing when compared to my own selfish wants and what makes me feel better. Indeed, we are ruined.

Ok, we’re not really ruined. But I do think our hearts, as believers, long for righteousness. And when we can be caught up in a story for a few hours that so well captures it, well, we’re captured. Stories of righteousness stir our souls. Enter the Gospel.

And this is why I think the attempted sequels, have in my opinion, failed miserably. OK, I admit that I’ve actually never read one. But that’s only because I can’t get past the synopses. They speak of Darcy potentially having an illegitimate child, Jane and Bingly’s passionless marriage, Bingly betraying the family, etc. etc. They all seem to miss out on the righteousness (and one is even listed as “erotica” – Austen would flip in her grave). And in my opinion, the sequels will never have the original’s happiness until they have it’s goodness.

So that in a nutshell is a simplified reason why I think the book is so well liked and may even go down as my all time favorite. Well, that and that Austen is a genius. So if you haven’t read it or seen it, do one or both. Embrace life, get lost in a story of righteousness and have some fun. Because every savage can dance. Even those whose favorite classic movie is “Anchorman.”


Oh and fyi, the 5 hour BBC movie version with Colin Firth is far superior to the still entertaining, yet cliff note version with Kiera Knightly.

And lastly, for those of you who think you know Austen well, this post is littered with adapted lines from the book. Reply in the comments and tell me how many you think you found.

New Stuff

It's coming soon. I promise. Hold your horses.

The Act of Turning 33 and the Introspection That Follows

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t really felt like doing much of anything lately. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this unmotivated before. Here’s the deal. I don’t really like much about myself right now. Perhaps I’m being too introspective because I just turned 33 (the year of our Lord upon His assumption, as my roommate said) and my life looks nothing like I want it to. Perhaps I’m just believing lies. Whatever the case, that’s how I feel.

In fact, here is what feels true. I’m now past the age that men find attractive. I haven’t had a date with a viable option in over… well, high school wasn’t really a viable option either was it? Therefore, there must be something wrong with me (that is what Henry Cloud would say anyway, and with no evidence to the contrary, I’m inclined to agree with him). I am in a community group with a lot of people who like me, but none who really want to know me. I’m never invited to do social things with folks from that group (unless it’s a general community group event). Obviously, I lack true community and don’t know where to find it. Again, something must be wrong with me. I’m in a job I’m not motivated to do and don’t know how to change. I’m tired of the financial struggle of being on staff. I have a shallow walk with the Lord that I don’t know what to do about and I struggle with sins that I shouldn’t. I have no self-control or discipline, am lazy, critical and judgmental. And let’s not forget arrogant as all get out. I feel like a failure before the Lord in every way. It’s as if the enemy is ravishing me, and I’m powerless to fight back. This is what feels true.

Now before you say that I’m being hard on myself and start sending me sappy notes of encouragement, let’s get some perspective. Most of what I don’t like about myself is what I see and you don’t – my own inner sin. And it is right to be vexed by it. In fact, it should probably trouble me more than it does and the feeling will pass sooner than it should. And yet, I feel defeated and beaten at every turn. How do I change? How do I let the Lord change me?

But my sin is only part of what I don’t like. I don’t like my life. Now I know that sounds like I’m about ready to slit my wrists. That’s not the case at all. I enjoy living. What I mean is, I don’t like the externals in my life. There are three things here that vex me. First, I don’t like my stage of life. I hate being “the singleton” of the family. At 25 it was OK. At 33 it’s demoralizing. I feel less admired and respected because I’m not married. And the loneliness, in all honesty, sucks. I wonder if I’ll ever understand intimacy with the Lord without understanding it in a relationship here.

Secondly, I don’t like how I look. But that is probably more concerned with my sin and eating and exercising habits. So we’ll move on to number three.

Thirdly, I don’t like my job. I don’t hate my job. I just feel like I’m done with it. I want to contribute something to the Kingdom and don’t feel like I’m doing it here. My passions I feel are absent. And in the midst of my angst, I feel the Lord is being silent. Where are you in my distress, Lord?

Somehow, as a friend reminded me this week, it probably all comes down to me believing in God’s goodness. Do I believe He is good to me, even when the things I would use to define His goodness are absent? How do you define His goodness? I’d like to define it by seeing all of the above “fixed.” But something tells me that is missing the point. Something tells me that His goodness is not primarily found in His acts and blessings, but in He Himself. Goodness is part of His character. He IS good.

So, at the end of all this, perhaps I don’t need more “things.” Perhaps I just need more of Him. Bottom line – He must show me His goodness. Because I’m having a hard time seeing it through all the rain.

Kate, Matthew and Me

So, here I am, about to pack up and leave summer project and New Hampshire behind. I could be actually packing. I could be reflecting on all the Lord has done this summer. I could be hanging out with students. There are beaches and lobster and New England to enjoy a little bit longer, but instead, I’m watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” on TV. And it’s not like I haven’t seen it before.

But today I had a thought - “holy crap, I’m turning 33 in about 6 weeks and am still dateless.” And really there is no hope of a date with a viable option anywhere on the horizon. So nothing like a chick flick to wallow in a well of self pity and feed the fantasy that all singletons maintain. You know, the one where Mr. Right comes along and sweeps you off your feet, just like in the movies. And it would probably be raining because in the moves, water falling from the sky seems to make things more romantic, even if the girl’s hair falls to crap and mascara builds under her eyes and she looks like a hung over Elvira (remember her?). So, I go on living vicariously through Kate Hudson and Matthew McConneghy.

Well, that was entertaining. The movie is over now and I’m back to my own reality. And every time I am in this kind of mood, the thought that always comes to mind, at least lately, is this – am I believing in God’s goodness to me today? Because that is what this attitude rides on. If I am not believing his goodness, I will wallow in self pity and grow bitter. And really, I’ve seen too many friends who’ve remained single into their 30’s become bitter. That is not a journey I want to walk.

But if I am choosing, even by faith, to believe in His goodness, than I can choose to believe that me being single must be God’s best for me right now. And therefore by faith, I can trust Him. In fact, I can even, again by faith, choose to be thankful. And it is a thankful heart that I think will prevent a bitter heart.

So today, I choose to thank the Lord that I am single. I thank Him that I am nearly 33 and dateless. I thank Him that I have so much time that I can spend with Him (not that I do, but I could). And I thank Him for His goodness to me. That’s what I choose today.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go eat some chocolate and listen to Damien Rice.