Redemption Wins

This was sung in church today.

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing.
I've made mistakes
I've let my heart fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world.

And I know you can give me rest
So I cry out with all I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.
I want to know a song can rise
from ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'cause I'm worn.

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up

And I know you can give me rest
So I cry out with all I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.
I want to know a song can rise
from ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'cause I'm worn.
-"Worn" by 10th Avenue North

I'm undone today. At times barely holding it together. Heart heavy with burdens - my own and of those I love. And tired. Tired of life being a struggle. Tired of life seeming so hard. Tired of brokenness and pain that follows. Today I need to know that redemption wins.

This is where my faith becomes real. This is when the Gospel travels from my head to my heart. Do I believe that God can save a broken marriage? Do I believe He can redeem hardened, scared, angry hearts? Do I believe he can heal deeply inflicted wounds? Do I believe He really can bring beauty from ashes even in the midst of Him perhaps still collecting the ash?

Is the Gospel really the power to save, not just for eternity, but for every day, every hour, every moment of brokenness and pain around us?

Do I believe He can lead me into life? Beyond just my un-extraordinary, at times happy existence, but into meaningful, purposeful life? Do I believe He hears our cries? That He answers prayers? Do I really believe He is our provider? Do I believe He can even redeem messes we have gotten ourselves into? Do I believe in grace? Do I really believe in the Gospel?

David did. And he knew a bit about struggle. I picture him writing these Psalms through his tears, barely able to speak.

"For your name’s sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the Lord ? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins." (Psalm 25:11-18 ESV)

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever." (Psalm 23:1-6 ESV)

It is hard to see future beauty when surrounded by the ash. It is hard to see anything positive at the bottom of the valley of the shadow of death. Sometimes we are just so consumed with the ash swirling in the air right in front of us, that we don't look up and see the bigger picture - that being in the valley is indeed a crisis and it is painful, sometimes deeply so, but it is a crisis of faith at its core. CS Lewis famously said, "God whispers in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." I think the question He is often shouting through our pain is, "Is your faith in Me big enough for even this? Do you really believe Me, trust Me? Are you willing to follow Me out, even if the way is treacherous?" It is a crisis of faith. And it is hard to answer in my weariness, when my flesh and heart are failing, when I long to be simply plucked out of the net and rescued from my distresses.

But in my weakness, He is strong. So I will choose to believe. I will cling to His scripture that says He will deliver. He will go before us. He will lead us to green pastures and still waters. I will believe the scripture that says He is near to the brokenhearted and that He is with us and that goodness and mercy shall follow and that He causes all things to work together for the good. I will believe that redemption will win. I will cling to Christ.

It is my only recourse. "Lord, where else would I go?"

Estonia - End

Just 21 years ago, Estonia won its independence. A small country that has a long history of being occupied by other nations, it finally was it's own free nation. Just 21 years ago, it was illegal to be a Christian and be open about it here. It was illegal to gather together to worship. It was illegal to gather together to pray. During the Soviet era there was a pastor who dreamed that one day, all believers in the country could publicly gather and worship together. Most believed it was a pipe dream that would never happen.

That dream happened in Estonia today. Today was Kristuspaeval 2012 (Christ Day 2012) in Estonia. As a conference we all gathered in a soccer stadium and joined Estonian nationals from every region of Estonia to gather together to worship and pray for this small country. Organized by CRU staff in Estonia and others, pastors from all denominations and churches from all over the country gathered together to beseech the Lord to bring revival to Estonia and that it would spread to all the world. It was an incredible day and so fun to be a part of.

Here is a picture from the day.

This evening, for my last time few hours in Tallinn, I decided to walk through Old Town one last time. I bought a couple of last minute souvenirs and then decided to hit the square one last time. I'm so glad I did. In the square were some of the youth from our conference who are participating in the arts track, singing songs and sharing testimonies. These particular youth were a band from Germany, so they were actually pretty good. I laughed as I listened to acoustic songs by Katy Perry and others. But as I sat there and listened, I almost broke down in tears. Yes, I'm exhausted. Yes, it's been a full week here in Tallinn and my heart is full. But as I listened to them sing and share testimonies to a crowd of Estonians that had gathered around, I just kept thinking about how far things in Estonia had come. And how great our God is.

Just over 20 years ago, this was illegal. 15 years ago, this was just unlikely. When I lived here then, stuff like this just didn't happen. I doubt then that anyone would have stopped and listened. But somehow, today, Estonians are different. They stopped. They engaged. They watched. They listened. They clapped. They let their children dance right by the performers. They were happy.

Yes, Estonia is one of the least churched nations in Europe. Yes, less than 1% claim to follow Jesus. And yet tonight I saw hope. And hope not just for Estonia, but for all of Western Europe. This week has showed me that God is up to something in Europe and people are coming to know Him, sometimes miraculously so. He has not turned His back on this land.

I had a drink tonight with an American/Canadian family that has lived here for 17 years and was around when I lived in Tartu, Linden and Janice Viinalass. They are an incredible couple who moved here with their 5 kids to be salt and light to Linden's Estonian relatives. Tonight Linden encouraged me with these words. "Go with our Great God." Go with our Great God. Hmmm. As I move forward in my life, I want to go with, not just God, but remembering that He is indeed great. I want to go with my Great God. And now, as I leave Estonia, I pray that our Great God will move in this nation and across all of Western Europe. He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all we ask and imagine.

And so my time in Estonia comes to an end. But what a day! Christ Day in the soccer stadium, the Viinalass', and truth being declared to an interested audience in the square! Again, what a day. No doubt I will continue processing all that has transpired this week. I hope this week stays with me. I hope I continue going with our Great God.

Next stop - London. Go Team USA!

Estonia Part 3

So part of my coming back to Tallinn was not just to see old friends, but to participate in "Heartbeat Tallinn," a conference for all of Western European Campus Crusade for Christ staff and students. It's really been a unique and special time and really good for my heart. So good, I'm actually having a hard time putting words to it. But I will try to capture a bit of what I've experienced.

First, it's been great to see that there are people in Western Europe who passionately love Jesus and long to see their countries reached with the Gospel and they are trusting Jesus with really big things. We have heard testimonies from all over of people coming to know the Lord. Some of the most encouraging stories for me have been ones that talk about Muslims from Iran coming to know Jesus in Great Britain. And then the stories of Albania, where only 20 years ago there were MAYBE 1000 believers to now having 110 CRU staff members and sending out others to reach neighboring Muslim countries. It is encouraging to see what God is doing around the world.

It is also challenging. When I was on staff with CRU I took being a part of large movements like this for granted. The large vision we had was just part of the job. I'm realizing I've really missed being a part of a large movement/vision. This week has been a really good reminder that it's really not about me. Of course I know that, but I'm very quick to forget. And back in Texas I get so caught up just in the crap of life (debt, bills, entertainment, job, career, etc) that I forgot about mission. Life can easily drown out mission and I have allowed it to do so. There is something here that I miss. I don't think this means I'm going to re-join staff with CRU or anything. But this should mean something. We'll have to wait and see.

I've also been hit with this phrase that one of the speakers, a staff guy from Switzerland, said yesterday. He asked, "have you lowered your faith, to match your experience?" That has stuck with me. I was immediately struck with how that is true in my life. My experience has been king lately, dictating how I feel and sometimes what I do. I've allowed my faith to grow small. I've let circumstances dictate my faith instead of choosing faith to overcome the circumstances. I'm tired of having small faith. Again, not sure what will come of this. But something should.

And it has been so sweet to see old friends who were involved in the ministry some as far back as 18 years ago. Thursday night we celebrated the 25th anniversary of CRU in Estonia. It was a special event attended by Steve Douglas, Vonette Bright, and other CRU big wigs were in the house too (Steve Sellers and even Paul Eshelman). But the best part for me was reconnecting with old familiar faces. Here is Meelika. I met her on summer project in 1994. She wasn't a believer when we met, but became one with the CRU team that followed the summer project. I came back a year later and took up discipling her. I remember tackling the book of Hebrews with her, which was quite an undertaking. She is now married, with 2 kids and is a practicing doctor in her town. She continues to walk with Jesus and is doing well.

And then there is Dima. I love this kid (who is not really a kid anymore!). Dima was involved in our ministry for several years (6-7 years). He was in high school when I first met him. He is a VIP in the Estonia Ministry of Finance now and is working on his PhD in Norway (something about using marketing to make people feel better about paying their taxes!). But more than that, he holds a special place in my heart and always will. I surprised myself by getting teary when I saw him and am even a little teary now as I type this thinking about him. Honestly, I'm not sure about his walk with the Lord. There are things in his life that I think could hinder it, but we didn't really get a chance to talk about it. But we are committed to staying in touch via facebook. Please pray for him.

And finally, Katri. Katri was also involved in CRU for several years and I had the privilege of visiting a hospital during an outreach with Katri on Wednesday. It was so fun to connect with her and do ministry together again. She is doing well and involved in her local church.

In many ways, my heart is full. And yet there is one more, very exciting day left here in Estonia. Tomorrow is a special day. But I'll save that for tomorrow's post.

Of course, another effect of being here is that I'm really missing living in Europe. But that's all I'll say about that otherwise my family may revolt against me. Don't worry parents, I have no plans currently. ;-)

Estonia Day 2

This is the view from my hotel room. Nothing special here. The only thing of note is that it's 10:15 PM. Hello white nights.

Also here are some more views of Old Town. Since I was last here, they have renovated and opened the tower of town hall so that now you can climb to the top and take pictures. The staircase was steep and narrow but we made it. And as we discovered, the bell does still ring on the hour. Thankfully it was only 4 pm when we were there. Anyway, some of the pictures are from the top of the tower.

My next post, maybe even later today, I'll write more about the conference and what has been so special about being here. Stay tuned.

Estonia - Day 1

So amazing to be back in Estonia. I think it's been 10+ years since my last visit. A lot has changed. When I first came here back in 1994, it was still very obvious that this place had once been under Soviet rule. That is no longer true. At least in the modern city center. I once remember saying that visiting Helsinki, Finland or Stockholm, Sweden were glimpes of what Estonia would have been without the Soviet occupation. Well, I was right. In the 20+ years of being independent, the Estonians have all but erased the evidence of occupation. There are modern and western shopping malls and movie theaters and I haven't seen one Lada (which was a ridiculous Russian vehicle with a motor about as powerful as the one that powers your Dad's riding lawn mower). Estonia has joined the West. Western Europe to be exact. Which of course could be a mixed blessing. My cab driver from the airport spent time telling me about Estonia's economic difficulty. Small potatoes when compared to Greece, but still hard for those who call this place home.

Old Town Tallinn is still one of my favorite places on earth. Old cobblestone streets, sidewalk cafe's everywhere, quaint buildings, beautiful flowers, etc. If you try you can almost picture the peasants selling their wares with the princes and knights riding through on their horses. It's sometimes magical to be in a place 1000 years old. Today the food in those cafes is a bit more expensive and there are WAY more tourists than I ever remember, but the place is still charming. And while there IS a McDonalds in Old Town, there is no Starbucks anywhere. Some may think that sad, but I'm pleased that Old Town has mostly maintained the "old." Of course, a Starbucks in one of those malls that is pretty close would be just fine. I guess while many toursists have discovered this little, great place, Starbucks and other western commerical endeavors have not. Something tells me it's just a matter of time. And more than likely I would just learn how to say, "grande vanilla latte" in Estonian.

My first full day has been fun. I connected with some old friends who live in Spain but are here for the same reason as I and I had plenty of time to explore some things on my own. I'm calling it the calm before the storm. The conference starts in a couple of hours. Giddy up.

Today's View

I'm sitting on the side of a road near Eagle, Colorado and I just can't take my eyes off of the view.  The warm breeze, with a hint of mountain coolness in it, gently blowing the grass in the meadow.  The red tops of the barn like structures.  The rolling hills turning into majestic mountains with just a bit of snow left on the celestial tops.  The soft clouds and the aqua blue sky that mirrors the mountain lake just beyond those hills.  It's simple and yet breathtaking. 

And as I sit here taking in as much of the view as I can, I feel Him whispering to me.  "What does this view say about Me?"

So, allow me in a random chain of thoughts, to see if I can answer that question.  First, this scene tells me that like the rolling field being softly blown by the breeze, He is gentle.  It reminds me of scripture that talks about Him wooing us, bringing us into the wilderness, alluring us and speaking tenderly to us (Hosea 2:14).  He is that still, small voice that gently speaks and tells me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.  I spend a lot of time complaining to God about what I perceive to be lacking in my life.  And yet, like this constant wind (today anyway), He is always there.  No matter how much I neglect Him, He won't go away.  He's either a glutton for punishment or He loves me more than I can imagine.  He is the lover I long for.  I need to pay more attention.

This view also tells me that He's into details when He creates something.  The different trees that create different colors on the hills, the rock that forms the mountains, the birds flying in the distance, even the places the snow refuses to melt reflect His detailed handiwork.  The details seem to be brushed into place with a beautiful and reckless and perfect abandon.  I picture God with a paintbrush, crazily but perfectly throwing the paint down.  Surely He had some awesome music playing when He made this, the strokes of His hands moving to the rhythm of some angelic music with electric guitars.  Or a full orchestra.  I go back and forth here.  Ooh, maybe electric guitar AND full orchestra.  Yes.  This tells me that God is creative.  He knows my whims and fancies.  He understands my unsettled and often fickle heart.  And sometimes what seems random can end up being perfect.  Of course, it's never random to Him.

I think looking at this view, that sometimes God creates things, simply because He likes them.  Maybe those mountains He created were not for me, although I can enjoy them.  Maybe they were just for Him.  Maybe He made them because they bring Him pleasure.  Maybe, like a perfect artist, He creates and then is proud of and loves His creation and it just makes Him happy.

Which brings me to me.  Maybe He's just as proud of me, as His creation, than He is of those mountains.  Maybe I simply bring Him pleasure.  Again, like the perfect artist, He sees me and delights in what He has done. 

And maybe, just maybe, if I thought of things like this, I'd pay a little more attention to the Lover found in the gentle breeze, the still soft Voice.  Perhaps it's time I start listening more.  Perhaps it's time I stop criticizing what His hand has made.  

Of course, let's not forget about His power.  200 miles to the north this same breeze is spreading a fire that is eating up thousands of acres and homes.  But as I look at this view, all I see is beauty in ashes.  Today, I'm dwelling on the beauty.  We'll save the ashes for another day.

Downton Abbey and Me

I am a fan of “Downton Abbey.” And really, I might be a bit obsessed. For some reason, this show is sticking with me long after the TV has been turned off. Partly perhaps it’s a longing for the bygone years when men were gentlemen, ladies were, well…ladies, honor mattered and life just seemed, not less complex, but less cluttered (or at least that’s my perception – often I attribute clutter to modern technology). I’ve even taken a few very silly “which Downton Abbey character are you?” online tests. I’m the same character every time – Lady Mary Crawley. Here’s what the last one said: You are Lady Mary Crawley

You are pretty, a bit of a flirt, proud, and introspective. You yearn to be free and find lasting love

I confess it is this character that has resonated the most. In some ways I can relate to her. Well not the pretty and flirty part (seriously – I’ve got no game in the flirty world). But Lady Mary has all the outward appearance of being strong, confident and self-assured. She usually doesn’t care what people think of her and rarely does what she is told, even when she knows she should. Every time she puts on a strong face in front of others, I can relate. Every time she hides her true feelings, I can relate. Every time she hides her tears, I can relate. Every time she relies on duty or logic at the sacrifice of her heart, I can relate. I can even relate, at least mentally, to a disastrous night she once had with a Turk. And as the test above says, I am proud and introspective and yearn to be free and find lasting love. That is Mary. It is also me.

Yes, I know it is a fictional character. Honestly it feels silly that I’ve spent so much time thinking about it. But maybe it’s not time wasted. It’s actually making me wonder if Jesus has something in this for me. But what? I think to answer that, I’m going to have to be unlike Mary and actually be vulnerable. Actually Mary does have moments of real vulnerability (one coming up soon – I’ve seen some spoilers!). So here is a moment for me.

I guess what is resonating the most with me is Mary’s longing to marry Matthew, the only man she has ever really loved. But even before it was defined as that, it was just her longing to love and be loved that first caught my heart. That is the deepest desire of my heart. It weighs on me heavily and often, more than I’ve ever admitted to anyone. It affects me more than I’ve ever admitted. I have never made known the depths of my occasional loneliness. And the fact that I’ve NEVER really dated doesn’t help. Just makes me wonder one of two things – what is wrong with me and what kind of a God am I serving who creates me with this desire and then withholds it. And honestly that leaves me angry and hurt and disappointed. Of course my head can correct my theology there. But unfortunately my heart doesn’t give a damn what my head thinks.

I’ve had 3 major crushes in adulthood. One with a guy who didn’t find me attractive and pretty much said so (which is wounding for sure). One with a guy who was never interested and never knew I had a crush on him. They are both married with kids now. And one with Donald Miller, which is probably more fantasy than anything. Especially since we’ve never met and he doesn’t know I exist. OK, that’s not technically true. I heard him speak once and shook his hand and was so smitten all I could say was, “big fan.” Yes, it was my “I carried a watermelon?!” moment.

And let’s talk about some scripture. Psalms says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” It basically says that same thing in several places. I’ve always heard that explained that if you delight yourself in the Lord that your desires would change and match His will for you. That has always bothered me simply because that is not what the passage says. It says He will give me the desires of my heart. This desire of mine to be married I believe IS from Him. I didn’t create it, He created it in me. And scripture even has examples of the Lord granting the desires of people’s hearts. Hannah. Sarah. Ruth. Solomon. Esther. Which still leaves me wondering, “seriously Lord, WTF?”

And don’t try to correct my theology here or tell me how long some of those characters waited or what they had to go through, etc. My head can already do that. Again it’s a heart issue and as before mentioned my heart doesn’t give a damn about my head.

All of this has been on my mind pretty heavily lately. That and a little life/career stuff, no big deal, right? It’s all made me feel very weak in my faith, honestly. I’ve often found myself questioning how committed I am to following Jesus. I think, “look where it’s gotten me – lonely and stuck. Maybe this is as good as it gets.”

But then this morning in church I heard His still small voice speak to my heart. “You’re stronger than you think you are, Jana. When you are weak, I am strong. Who will rescue you from yourself? I will. Because I love you. I know you’re heart and I love your heart. Trust me. Trust me and let me be strong for you. This is NOT as good as it gets. I have so much more for you. Just trust Me and rest in my strength.”

There is much more life and career stuff that plays into all this too. It’s not all about finding love and being loved. But one thing is for sure. When Jesus speaks to my heart like that, I hear it. And I want to believe it.  And need more of it.

Am I Creative?

I haven’t wanted to write lately. Well, that’s not entirely true. I want to write. I want to write for a living maybe. I want to be successful at it and be able to support myself at it. But every day I find a reason to avoid it or a way to distract myself from it. So I have to ask – what do I fear? Admittedly I’m in the midst of a creative struggle, one that’s lasted for years I’m discovering. I feel my heart is creative. I feel that’s where my passions are. I feel I have a creative side that has never been nurtured and never developed. I feel there is a whole side of me that has never made its presence known. Maybe there’s a “whole-er” me. This side of me that I believe exists is tied to a creativity I just feel I have. Who is the real me? Does my fear lay in that question? I think I’m a creative, but have nothing to prove it or to show for it. Do I fear that maybe, in spite of my felt passions, I’m not creative after all? Or am I afraid that I am creative, but will never do anything significant with it? Just like my love and desire to act. I’ve had that desire since I was in the 7th grade and discovered it in an elective drama class at school. I believe God made me with this desire. But nothing has ever come of it. I’ve had a strong desire to be married too, but nothing has come of that either. Perhaps I’m just wallowing in disappointment. So here’s the real question. Do I not try because I believe nothing will ever become of it? Do I fear and perhaps on some level believe that God has created me a certain way just to selfishly remind me that I need Him? Is God that kind of God? So when it comes down to it, my creative struggle is at some level, a theological one. Who do I really believe God is? I’ve bitched and complained to Him that He made me this way and angrily wondered why He would make me with certain desires, never to grant them. I’ve yelled. I’ve shouted. I’ve cried. I’ve begged and pleaded. I’ve also heard His small whisper to me saying, “Yes I made you this way. And I don’t make mistakes and I don’t play games. Stop complaining, look ahead and take some risks.” OK. But what risks? I don’t even know where to begin. My story needs an inciting incident. I need God to show me what kind of God He really is. But I think I need to take some risks for Him to do that. And I’m pretty sure that as soon as He does show me a glimpse of who He is, all my bitching and complaining will seem foolish and fall away. Like in “Till We Have Faces” by CS Lewis, my heart will discover that HE is the answer. I long for that day. In the meantime, well, writing this I suppose is a start.