Big Thoughts, Small Brain, Need Blog

Downton Abbey and Me

2012-02-05T13:43:00.000-06:00

I am a fan of “Downton Abbey.” And really, I might be a bit obsessed. For some reason, this show is sticking with me long after the TV has been turned off. Partly perhaps it’s a longing for the bygone years when men were gentlemen, ladies were, well…ladies, honor mattered and life just seemed, not less complex, but less cluttered (or at least that’s my perception – often I attribute clutter to modern technology). I’ve even taken a few very silly “which Downton Abbey character are you?” online tests. I’m the same character every time – Lady Mary Crawley. Here’s what the last one said:You are Lady Mary Crawley
You are pretty, a bit of a flirt, proud, and introspective. You yearn to be free and find lasting love

I confess it is this character that has resonated the most. In some ways I can relate to her. Well not the pretty and flirty part (seriously – I’ve got no game in the flirty world). But Lady Mary has all the outward appearance of being strong, confident and self-assured. She usually doesn’t care what people think of her and rarely does what she is told, even when she knows she should. Every time she puts on a strong face in front of others, I can relate. Every time she hides her true feelings, I can relate. Every time she hides her tears, I can relate. Every time she relies on duty or logic at the sacrifice of her heart, I can relate. I can even relate, at least mentally, to a disastrous night she once had with a Turk. And as the test above says, I am proud and introspective and yearn to be free and find lasting love. That is Mary. It is also me.

Yes, I know it is a fictional character. Honestly it feels silly that I’ve spent so much time thinking about it. But maybe it’s not time wasted. It’s actually making me wonder if Jesus has something in this for me. But what? I think to answer that, I’m going to have to be unlike Mary and actually be vulnerable. Actually Mary does have moments of real vulnerability (one coming up soon – I’ve seen some spoilers!). So here is a moment for me.

I guess what is resonating the most with me is Mary’s longing to marry Matthew, the only man she has ever really loved. But even before it was defined as that, it was just her longing to love and be loved that first caught my heart. That is the deepest desire of my heart. It weighs on me heavily and often, more than I’ve ever admitted to anyone. It affects me more than I’ve ever admitted. I have never made known the depths of my occasional loneliness. And the fact that I’ve NEVER really dated doesn’t help. Just makes me wonder one of two things – what is wrong with me and what kind of a God am I serving who creates me with this desire and then withholds it. And honestly that leaves me angry and hurt and disappointed. Of course my head can correct my theology there. But unfortunately my heart doesn’t give a damn what my head thinks.

I’ve had 3 major crushes in adulthood. One with a guy who didn’t find me attractive and pretty much said so (which is wounding for sure). One with a guy who was never interested and never knew I had a crush on him. They are both married with kids now. And one with Donald Miller, which is probably more fantasy than anything. Especially since we’ve never met and he doesn’t know I exist. OK, that’s not technically true. I heard him speak once and shook his hand and was so smitten all I could say was, “big fan.” Yes, it was my “I carried a watermelon?!” moment.

And let’s talk about some scripture. Psalms says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” It basically says that same thing in several places. I’ve always heard that explained that if you delight yourself in the Lord that your desires would change and match His will for you. That has always bothered me simply because that is not what the passage says. It says He will give me the desires of my heart. This desire of mine to be married I believe IS from Him. I didn’t create it, He created it in me. And scripture even has examples of the Lord granting the desires of people’s hearts. Hannah. Sarah. Ruth. Solomon. Esther. Which still leaves me wondering, “seriously Lord, WTF?”

And don’t try to correct my theology here or tell me how long some of those characters waited or what they had to go through, etc. My head can already do that. Again it’s a heart issue and as before mentioned my heart doesn’t give a damn about my head.

All of this has been on my mind pretty heavily lately. That and a little life/career stuff, no big deal, right? It’s all made me feel very weak in my faith, honestly. I’ve often found myself questioning how committed I am to following Jesus. I think, “look where it’s gotten me – lonely and stuck. Maybe this is as good as it gets.”

But then this morning in church I heard His still small voice speak to my heart. “You’re stronger than you think you are, Jana. When you are weak, I am strong. Who will rescue you from yourself? I will. Because I love you. I know you’re heart and I love your heart. Trust me. Trust me and let me be strong for you. This is NOT as good as it gets. I have so much more for you. Just trust Me and rest in my strength.”

There is much more life and career stuff that plays into all this too. It’s not all about finding love and being loved. But one thing is for sure. When Jesus speaks to my heart like that, I hear it. And I want to believe it. And need more of it.

Am I Creative?

2011-11-27T21:51:00.001-06:00

I haven’t wanted to write lately. Well, that’s not entirely true. I want to write. I want to write for a living maybe. I want to be successful at it and be able to support myself at it. But every day I find a reason to avoid it or a way to distract myself from it. So I have to ask – what do I fear?Admittedly I’m in the midst of a creative struggle, one that’s lasted for years I’m discovering. I feel my heart is creative. I feel that’s where my passions are. I feel I have a creative side that has never been nurtured and never developed. I feel there is a whole side of me that has never made its presence known. Maybe there’s a “whole-er” me. This side of me that I believe exists is tied to a creativity I just feel I have. Who is the real me?Does my fear lay in that question? I think I’m a creative, but have nothing to prove it or to show for it. Do I fear that maybe, in spite of my felt passions, I’m not creative after all? Or am I afraid that I am creative, but will never do anything significant with it? Just like my love and desire to act. I’ve had that desire since I was in the 7th grade and discovered it in an elective drama class at school. I believe God made me with this desire. But nothing has ever come of it. I’ve had a strong desire to be married too, but nothing has come of that either. Perhaps I’m just wallowing in disappointment.So here’s the real question. Do I not try because I believe nothing will ever become of it? Do I fear and perhaps on some level believe that God has created me a certain way just to selfishly remind me that I need Him? Is God that kind of God? So when it comes down to it, my creative struggle is at some level, a theological one. Who do I really believe God is? I’ve bitched and complained to Him that He made me this way and angrily wondered why He would make me with certain desires, never to grant them. I’ve yelled. I’ve shouted. I’ve cried. I’ve begged and pleaded. I’ve also heard His small whisper to me saying, “Yes I made you this way. And I don’t make mistakes and I don’t play games. Stop complaining, look ahead and take some risks.” OK. But what risks? I don’t even know where to begin. My story needs an inciting incident. I need God to show me what kind of God He really is. But I think I need to take some risks for Him to do that. And I’m pretty sure that as soon as He does show me a glimpse of who He is, all my bitching and complaining will seem foolish and fall away. Like in “Till We Have Faces” by CS Lewis, my heart will discover that HE is the answer. I long for that day.In the meantime, well, writing this I suppose is a start.

A Quiet Gentleness

2009-12-08T10:59:00.002-06:00

How do you hear from God? I’ve been wondering that a lot lately. Sometimes I feel like I’ve forgotten how to hear Him. Has it been so long that I don’t recognize His voice? Perhaps I’ve just forgotten how to listen.

All of these options could be at play. Sometimes it seems like it’s been so long since I’ve really heard from Him that I wonder if He cares. Of course, intellectually, I know that’s not true. I know He cares. I know He speaks. It’s my heart that struggles. I long to hear from Him, to hear anything.

Recently I went to a cabin in the woods of East Texas to be alone with Him for a few days. I wanted to get rid of distraction – no cell phone coverage, no internet, no cable TV, etc. I took walks in the woods, sat by a lake and rested. I read passages of scripture and parts of books about God’s love and prayer. And still nothing. It was as if I was alone. Really alone.

One day, out of frustration, I decided to keep a list of what I was hearing. Here is my list:

• Birds – several different types, calling in the trees
• Squirrels jumping from tree branch to tree branch
• Trees – pine, cedar, elm and others – groaning and cracking as if to stretch stiff limbs to the sky
• Leaves falling. You can actually hear leaves falling from the canopy to the ground.
• Insects – all sorts – locusts, bees, flies, crickets
• Deer – hidden in the trees stomping their feet, eating the grass, running away
• The rain – slowly arriving, announcing its presence, and then building to a crescendo before retreating again
• Fish jumping
• Turtles, quietly and peacefully poking their heads thru the smooth glass surface of the water
• The crinkling leaves as the biggest scorpion I’ve ever scene walks across them (I went the other direction).
• Frogs
• The distant barking of dogs
• The wind as it gently moves through the trees

All these things I heard and yet still wondered, “where was the Lord?” Ironic isn’t it, how sometimes we miss what is so obviously in front of us? I think I expected a dramatic “aha” moment (thank you Oprah) with Jesus that would drastically change the trajectory of my life. I missed it. He arrived in the quiet gentleness of my surroundings, the quiet grandeur of His creation. I expected to be swept off my feet. Instead I got a gentle caress of my cheek, as if to say, “I’m here, and I love you. Hang in there my love.”

I wanted drama. I got intimacy. He really does know what I want.

Driving thru Yellowstone

2009-06-02T16:56:00.003-05:00

Several years ago I was on vacation with my friend in Yellowstone National Park. Neither of us had been there before and sadly, we had just one day to sort of “drive thru.” I don’t recommend that. If you ever go to Yellowstone, plan to stay a few days. Driving thru in one day is sort of like flying over Greenland and then claiming you’ve been there.

Anyway, we had a fun day of seeing just about as much as you can see in one day. Rivers, mountains, elk, buffalo, moose…even a bald eagle. And just as the sun was setting and we were about to head out of the park we saw one last sign. “Little Canyon of Yellowstone ==>” We looked at each other wondering if we should rush to see some little canyon before sunset. What the heck, we figured. So we turned right, parked and got out of the car.

We didn’t expect much. We slowly got out of the car and began to walk up to the observation deck. That’s when it happened. With each step closer our jaws dropped just a little further. It was breathtaking. Stunning. Majestic. Glorious. There was the roaring waterfall. The steep cliffs crashing down to the raging river. The sun hitting the cliffs giving the rocks a vibrant yellow and orange glow as if aflame. Words and even a picture fail to really describe the moment. My friend and I just stood there and stared for a long few moments, trying our best to absorb all we could in this holy moment.

I’ve been thinking about this memory a lot lately. It reminds me to anticipate the glorious in life. Life is hard. It is not often what one hopes and dreams it will be. There are disappointments. And sometimes you’ve just kind of operated for so long just doing what you do, that you fail to notice you are disappointed or that something is just not right. This has been me for the last few years. Frustrated. Disappointed. Sad. And not really noticing it. Kind of like driving around through Yellowstone, noticing the obvious (like the buffalo right beside the road), anticipating nothing divine. And yet, in sore need of the divine.

“Be still” is the phrase stuck in my head. “Be still and know that I am God.” I find this discipline difficult if not impossible these days. I blame it on modern and convenient technology. It has evaporated my attention span. If God doesn’t show up or answer me in 30 seconds, which is way longer than it takes my internet home page to come up, then I’m frustrated and done. I don’t know how to be still anymore.

But Jesus did it all the time. And while he didn’t have the modern technology that we have, he had plenty of things and people demanding His attention, offering distraction. Disciples worried about their next meal, people wanting to hear him teach, fisherman needing a little help with their catch, people wanting to be healed, religious people trying to trap him, etc. And yet there are several examples in scripture of Jesus sneaking away, away from the crowd, the noise to pray and be still.

It is possible. And I think in those moments where we can finally be still, He likes to show us a little more of who He is. Not that it’s a formula to fix the crap of life. By no means. It’s simply an invitation to commune and anticipate.

Life is still occasionally hard and disappointing. But that day at Yellowstone, as I stood there soaking it all in, I learned a little bit more about the Creator. I saw His beauty, His creativity, His power, His glory. And it was breathtaking. I think He longs to take our breaths away every chance He gets. And I for one, need Him too.

A Historic Day For All

2009-03-03T22:55:00.006-06:00

Six weeks ago we watched as our country inaugurated the first African American as President of the United States. It was a hugely historic moment. Our emotions were stirred when we saw civil rights icons like Congressman John Lewis, weep as he witnessed what was once only a dream, become a reality. It was a moving, stirring day.

As I watched President Obama take the oath of office, I kept recalling the day a few years ago that I walked through the Lorraine Motel, where MLK was shot. It is now the Civil Rights Museum. My mind replayed like a video the images of slavery, of discrimination, violence and freedom marches, etc. It was a day for all those who struggled and were oppressed in ways I will never understand. And yet, I celebrated too. It was a day for all of us. It was a day for humanity. At the very least it was a day to put aside our politics.

However, that is what I want to write about. I am proud to say I voted for President Obama. But coming from a very conservative family and being an evangelical (although I don’t think I would really use that term anymore), I feel like I need to offer a defense of why I voted for the Democrat, and not the Republican. And in this process, I’ve also made some observations about the evangelical right that disturb me a little. So, this is my defense and my observations, not necessarily in that order.

I was raised in a very conservative, Christian family and environment where it was obvious, most of the time, that God was a Republican. The Republican’s were the ones who held to the moral values that we southern conservatives identified with being biblical. They were the ones who believed in the sanctity of life, sanctity of marriage, sanctity of the biblical (not) theme of pulling yourselves up by your bootstraps, the sanctity of …well most things conservative. And it was assumed that anyone who didn’t vote Republican probably wasn’t too close to Jesus and probably had some bad theology somewhere. The “other side”, the Democrats, were the enemy. And in this environment, it was natural to fear the enemy. I mean, after all, if God was a Republican, logic follows that they are of the Devil. And what would happen if the Devil were in charge? That would be the beginning of the end. And so we feared the Democrats and feared the world they would lead us to. So the Democrats, those “god-forsaken liberals” were not people to understand and work with, they were an enemy to defeat. Somewhere along the way, we conveniently forgot about Jesus’ command to love your enemies. Oh well.

But God is not a Republican. Nor is He a Democrat. He is God. He is bigger than all of this and more worthy to be praised for it. What I have found as I have grown, read, listened, experienced, etc. is that life is never as black and white as we would want it to be. Life is messy. The world is a fallen, messy place on both sides of the aisle. And in this context, there is good and bad on both sides. We can all make rational, maybe even biblical arguments as to why we, as followers of Christ, should vote this way or that. We must all vote our conscience. To me, there is nothing wrong with either choice. It is just that, a choice.

But being a somewhat more liberal evangelical (which I promise is NOT an oxymoron) here is why I chose to vote for a Democrat - simply because, I personally agree with more on their platform than I do with the Republican platform. Here are some examples and I’ll try to be brief (and no doubt speak in generalities that won’t be true across the board).

• I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe that this issue extends far beyond just abortion (we’ll get to that in a minute). I personally believe that sanctity of life issues extend to homelessness, poverty, healthcare, the environment, as well as how we treat prisoners of war and whether or not it’s OK to torture them, and I believe on most of these issues, the Democrats are stronger. If life is sacred, and we are all equal humans created in His image, then we must be about all of these issues. If you wonder where the Lord stands on these issues, do a key word study on “poor” or “oppressed.”

Now obviously abortion is a huge issue and I do wish that the Democrats were stronger here. I hate abortion, I think it is murder, and I want it to end. But I also believe that while the right is dedicated (rightly so) to fighting abortion in the judicial and legislative realm, the right also ignores social issues (poverty, lack of education, etc.) that cause unwanted pregnancies and abortion in the first place. I want the right to succeed in making abortion illegal or at the least, much harder to get. But I fear that that day will never come. Abortion is sadly too much a part of our broken culture. So in my opinion, we must also do everything we can to decrease the number of abortions sought, which means we must deal with all of the social issues that send someone to the clinic. The fewer unwanted pregnancies there are, the fewer abortions there will be. The Democrats have a plan to decrease the number of abortions significantly over the next 10 years. And in our broken culture, I believe their plan will save more lives in the long run.

• I believe that the environment and climate are in trouble and we must take drastic steps to reduce the damage we have done, as well as to ensure our children have clean air and water. Even if global warming is not true (I believe it is – actions have consequences) I believe we still need vast improvement in being better stewards of the earth the Lord gave us. God gave us a mandate to rule and preserve the earth, not plunder and drain it of all of its resources. We are a consumer driven society that is ruining the world in which we live. Believing in the end times and that “its all going to burn anyway” is no excuse for waste and irresponsibility in the meantime. I’m convinced that is not what God had in mind. For more ideas and thoughts on this, check out the great book “Serve God Save the Planet” by Matthew Sleeth.

• I believe that everyone is entitled to healthcare and that if it were affordable, everyone who wants it would have it. I believe that a healthcare system can be devised that maintains our level of excellence and competitiveness, while being affordable for everyone. I’ve experience socialized medicine. I don’t want that. But I believe a great middle ground can be found. I hope I’m right.

• I believe that “spreading the wealth,” as Obama’s tax plan was called by the right, is actually a biblical concept. Here’s where I get it. In 2 Corinthians 8 Paul is encouraging the Corinthian church in their giving and says this, “For this is not for the ease of others and for your affliction, but by way of equality-at this present time your abundance being a supply for their need, so that their abundance also may become a supply for your need, that there may be equality;”

Now there is no time to exegete this passage here. But it is a good one to chew on. And there seems to be a biblical sense of equality here that in my opinion, is not on display in our current economics. The Bible says “to whom much has been given, much is required.” I believe this applies to our finances as well.

• And finally, I wholeheartedly agree with what President Obama said in his inaugural address regarding the size of government. I no longer believe that the question should be, “ is government to small or too big?” The question should be, “is government needed and how much?” Were it is needed, it should be. Where it is not, it should be removed. In this sense, I think the President is on the right track.

Now I could go on a little further, but I won’t. What I’ve written above is enough. And I know some will say I am naïve, or using passages out of context (I would argue the principal still applies), or haven’t thought things through well, etc. That's fine. I'm not claiming I'm right. And I'm willing to be wrong. This is just some of the reasoning behind why I made the choice I made. If you made a different choice, excellent. Let’s discuss. You are not my enemy.

And that is my final admonishment to the evangelical right, of which in many ways I still fall in line. The other side is not your enemy. Our enemy is not of flesh and blood, right? As followers of Christ are we not supposed to be known by our love? Can we seek to love those who disagree with us and open up honest conversations? I believe we can. Let us hold fast our convictions. But let us not hold so dogmatically to our persuasions and opinions that not only do we refuse to even listen or engage anything else, but we resort to fear tactics ("Obama is a muslim who hates christians and families!") and false judgements ("God hates fags!") to convince people we are right. When that happens, the church becomes known in the world as a place of judgement and in my opinion that does more harm for the Gospel than good. Let us approach anything with love first. I'm not saying we should avoid truth, not at all. But if we lead with love and humility I think we will end up with more of a platform to talk about truth, even in politics. Let us not live in fear of each other and the future anymore. Let us love. Let us seek to understand each other. Let us humbly be willing to listen. Let us work humbly together for a future that is honoring to our God. And yes, let us hope.

PS – Sorry for the length here. I guess it’s been too long since I’ve written and just had a lot to say.

Valet Bicycles, Botox and Bald Eagles

2007-07-26T17:17:00.000-05:00

OK, I know it has been forever since my last post. So sorry. But there has been a lot of transition in my life over the last 3 months and needless to say, things have been a bit hectic. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have things to write about because, believe me, I do. One can’t travel to California and back twice without having something to write about. So, upon my return, if anyone is still reading, we’ll begin there.

One of the transitions I’ve made is a new job. More about that later. But for this post, you should know that I work for a company that makes films, among other things. Right now we are busy with several different documentary projects. It’s been a crazy 3-4 months, but also a lot of fun.

To make these films we have had to travel to LA on 2 separate occasions. These were my first trips back to LA since I went as a child on vacation with my Dad, step-mom and sister. That was the year 1984. I know that because it was also the year that the Olympics were in LA (Mary Lou Retton, Lionel Richie at the closing ceremonies – what more could you want?) and we happened to be there just 2 or so weeks AFTER the Olympics. But Olympic stuff was still everywhere. Thus, it was late August of 1984. And I guess I should mention that I had a “Lil Orphan Annie” curly perm cut mullet style. What can I say? My mother still reigned over my hair. In retrospect, I looked like a 10 year old, curly headed lesbian (is it wrong to say that?). My tube socks probably didn’t help.

So after all these years it was actually fun to return to LA, even though travel wreaks havoc on my diet. There was a lot I got to do, other than just work of course. And even some of that was fun. We did get to film interviews on the sets of “Greys Anatomy” and “The Best Damned Sports Show Ever.” That was pretty cool. And I got to hang out with a friend who just recently moved there and she took me to a Dodger Game. That was pretty awesome. And Catalina Island is pretty cool too. For that day, me and a couple of others rented a tiny motor boat and rode around the island. We had a couple of those sacred nature moments when we spotted a baby seal on the shore, just to have it’s mom poke it’s head up about 10 feet in front of us and just stare at us for a moment. And then, a few minutes later, we had a young, bald eagle circle us several times before the damn seagulls chased it away. Pretty cool stuff.

But there is also, what I like to call, the plastic side of LA. Like, the elderly man pushing a stroller that is probably holding his children, NOT his grandchildren. Or when we drove through Beverly Hills and Bel Air at what was apparently quitting time for all the maids, as they were being dropped off by their employers at the bus stops. Then there was the paparazzi chasing someone (I didn’t recognize her) as she shopped on Rodeo Drive. And not to mention all the botoxed, face lifted, big hair, plastic people who refuse to look their age. And then my personal favorite, the sign outside a restaurant that said, “Valet Bicycle Parking.” Seriously?! Do we need valet parking for a bicycle? Isn’t the point of riding your bike make valet parking a bit ironic. Only in California.

So, what is the point of all this? Well for one, it sure is good to be home. Secondly, if you want to people watch, LA is a great place (I didn’t even mention the hippie acrobat at Santa Monica beach). But really, I think I’ve learned that I am quick to judge things by their appearances. What was an amusing sort of game, can also be a hurtful pattern. Not one I want to become a habit for sure.

I think I need a few more of those moments like with the seal or the bald eagle, in the peaceful calm, that take my breath away, interrupt the mayhem and cause me to slow down and hear His still, small voice. Perhaps in that quiet solitude, I’ll learn to love like Him and not judge.

The Nerd Within Us All

2007-02-28T08:28:00.000-06:00

OK, recently I divulged to you my secret like of Battlestar Galactica. It’s a good show, I admit it (although for those of you who are fans and watch it – they better get back to fighting Cylons. The show isn’t as good without the Cylons. There is such a thing as too much character development. Still a good show though).

Having divulged this, my question is now this: why do we try so hard to hide the nerd within us? We’re all a bit nerdy in some way in my estimation. Why not just own it and come out with it. Wouldn’t it be great and very entertaining if the inner nerd within us all was a part of the daily persona we show to everyone? Talk about authenticity. And that’s what we all want, right? Authentic community? Of course, that’s also what we’re fiercely afraid of, but that’s another blog article all together.

I think sometimes when we talk or consider authenticity, we do so only in the category of “sharing our struggles, our sins.” We define being vulnerable with someone as equal to sharing all of our crap with them. And therefore, authenticity and vulnerability become these monster size thing to do. Of course, I don’t want to take away from that kind of vulnerability. It is needed and biblical and definitely is where unconditional love and grace can be found.

But what if authentic community involved sharing all of our quirky, fun nerdy-ness without apology to our friends as well. I think that would be a blast. And I know 2 pastors who would no longer have to hide their likes of Justin Timberlake and Pink, respectively (I’m not naming names, don’t ask).

So, in the spirit of encouraging authentic nerdy-ness amongst us all, here is my list of top 10 things that make me a nerd.

1. I like Battlestar Galactica
2. I like Celine Dion – I don’t own her music and probably never will, but when her song is on the radio and I’m by myself, I sing like I’m on a Vegas stage, baby.
3. I love looking at maps – not for knowing where I’m going, I just like looking at maps (I am very good with directions though and can navigate a foreign city like nobody’s business).
4. I like watching documentary films.
5. I know lots of useless facts and trivia – which may not sound nerdy, but definitely is when I quote one in public (unless I’m playing Trivial Pursuit).
6. I’m Chandler Bing – I get uncomfortable in emotional moments and tend to crack a joke – which is rarely appropriate and leaves people feeling awkward and me inwardly calling myself a dork.
7. I’m Monica Geller – I’m a neat freak and my roommates would probably say I can be a bit of a nazi neat freak, though I would disagree (and yes, for those of you wondering, you do rinse the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher, first you cleanse, then you sterilize).
8. I’m good with electronics. I can hook most things up and run things without looking at directions. Most girls would never admit to it.
9. I’m flat footed and my feet often hurt.
10. I have to use an asthma inhaler when I run – which shouldn’t be nerdy since it’s a medical necessity, but it just is.

OK, now it’s your turn. Play along in the comments. I want to know your nerdy-ness. Don’t hide anymore. Embrace the Urkel inside.

Valentine Musings

2007-02-14T17:08:00.000-06:00

Ok, with it being Valentines Day, I feel obligated to write something about that. I'm not sure what, so we'll just see what comes as I type. Buckle up, this could be interesting. Consider this all of my random thoughts that come on a day like today.

First, my mom called and invited me out to dinner with her and my step dad. Hmm... usually I'm all about a free meal. But there is something pathetic about having dinner with mommy on Valentines Day. At least it feels that way. So I respectfully declined and made up some excuse about having friends over to watch Lost tonight. Then I set about making that happen. Thanks to the friends coming over for pizza and Lost later.

Yesterday,I helped film a show about an 800 lb lady going to get gastric by pass surgery. She has been bed-ridden for over a year. And she has a boy friend. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? Yes, there is some humor there, but there is also some realness. Taking this lady out of the picture (becasue really she is beautiful) I am still left with a feeling of "what is wrong with me." I haven't had a real date in I don't know how long. I know I'm supposed to trust in the Lord's sovereignty, and I do. But I can't help thinking, "why not even a date, Lord?" Why does no one want to date me? I don't really want to ponder that too much. It could reveal truth I don't want to know right now. E Harmony here I come.

OK, I have several married friends who like to say, "oh... this day isn't really a big deal for us, we really don't like Valentines Day and all of it's commercialism..." blah blah blah. Just so you all know, that doesn't really make a single person feel better. I personally think it's easy for you to say that. You have the opportunity to celebrate it as you wish, any day of the year (as you romantics like to claim). When that is the case I can see how you could grow tired of Valentines Day. My response is kind of like my response to my older married friends who've said, "sex isn't all its cracked up to be." That may be true, but I'd still like to find that out for myself. In this case, I'd like the opportunity to grow tired of Feb. 14th. Of course, I am tired of Feb. 14th, but for altogether different reasons.

In honor of fellow singleton, Bridget Jones (please read with Rene Zellweger's british accent)-
"Feb. 14th - Valentines Day. Agh! 1**lbs (bugger!), 4 vodkas, and 2 packs of cigs and it's only noon. Off to smashing start!"

OK, really, despite what I've written and perhaps the tone above, I really am fine with this day. Yes, it brings up feelings of lonliness, but those crop up every so often anyway. And I do wonder why it hasn't been in the Lord's sovereign plan for me to be dating someone in the past 17 years and do I somehow put off men. But I think those thoughts other days as well. It's all part of being single and honest before the Lord about it. But the last thing I want to be is a bitter single person. And the three keys to avoiding that - at least in my estimation - are the following. One, complete trust in the goodness and blessing of my Savior. He has blessed me tremendously as a singleton and I freely embrace His blessing and am grateful and humbled for it. Two - community. Good friends who know me well, with whom I can be vulnerable with and who ask the hard questions. Authentic community I think leads to authentic praise and thanksgiving. And three - praise and thanksgiving. And I don't mean just praise and thanksgiving to my Lord, which I believe is crucial. But being thankful with my married friends. I must join in their celebrations. When friends get married - I must join in the happiness. When friends have children, I must enter into the joy. Real, authentic participation in the blessings of my married friends is necessary to keeping my heart free from bitterness.

So, in light of that - to all my non-single friends who read this - enjoy the day. Cherish your date or spouse. Love each other well. Celebrate the blessing you are to each other. And I'll celebrate with you. Metaphorically speaking, that is. I won't actually BE with you. That would be weird and awkward.

I'm Serious, it's the Best Show on TV

2007-01-15T13:48:00.000-06:00

Alright. I guess it’s time. I’m about to reveal to you a bit of my inner dorkiness. My inner sci-fi geek is about to come out. For the record, let me state the following. I am NOT a huge sci-fi fan. Yes, I loved Star Wars – it was part of my childhood. I remember standing in line on opening night to see “Return of The Jedi.” And later tuned in weekly for episodes of “Quantum Leap,” which I thought ended just when it was getting really good. And OK, I loved “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy, but really, who didn’t. Ok, and on occasion I would watch an episode of “Next Generation” but that was only to bug my brother who liked the original “Star Trek” better. For a while I would ask him to do stuff and follow it with, “Make it so number one!” It drove him crazy, which is what little sisters are for in my estimation. If acting is not a requirement, I guess he can like whatever he wants. But other than that, I really am not much of a sci-fi fan. Seriously.

So now I must reveal to you that one of my favorite TV shows and I think the best written show on television is “Battlestar Galactica.” Yes, it’s sci-fi. I can’t get around that. It’s aired on the sci-fi channel. But really it’s more than that. And since I have received quite a bit of teasing from friends who laugh and mock the show without ever having seen it (I think they are afraid they will like it), I figured I would offer my defense.

Yes, it’s true the show has a sci-fi premise. Humans created Cylons, who once were just freaky robots but now have evolved to look and feel human (they can even reproduce and bear children with humans). The Cylons rebelled and have annihilated most of the human race and the 12 colonies the humans lived on. So the remaining humans, numbering around 50,000 and trying to avoid complete genocide, are out there trying to find the mythical 13th colony – earth. And while they search, they of course have to fight off the Cylons, who are also looking for earth. That’s the premise, more or less.

But that is not what makes this show great. What makes the show great is that it is really about life and humanity. The choices we make and their consequences. The flaws we have. Our ambitions, goals, dreams, hurts, pains, etc. You get the point. And real life, controversial topics are covered and covered well. Questions arise such as, should a president lead according to his/her faith? Or, when the survival of the human race depends upon procreation, should abortion be allowed? Is genocide an available, viable tactic in war (you’ll be surprised how much you think so)? Is revenge or pardon necessary for healing? According to one article, “In just a few short years, the new version has become one of the most talked-about series on TV, mainly for it's ability to tackle controversial current issues, such as terrorism, war and politics skillfully disguised as science fiction.” And Grace Park, one of the actors on the show says, "Whatever you want to see or whatever you're struggling with in life, you can see there, whether it be politics or terrorism or war, hope, faith, struggle, love. It's all in there. Or if you just want plain action and neck-snapping plot twists, you've got that too."

That is what makes it great. It is a good story, disguised as sci-fi. And the show is brilliantly written. It has even won a prestigious Peabody Award for writing.

The show is now in it’s 3rd season, which I believe is usually a critical season. Look at some former favorites like Lost and Alias. By the 3rd season they both were/are declining. Don’t misunderstand, I’m still a fan of Lost. But Battlestar Galactica, as goofy as it may sound, is by far better and has never disappointed.

So tune in if you dare. But I do recommend starting at the beginning. The mini series that began it all and the first 2 seasons are available on Netflix and Itunes. Or bravely jump in the middle of things and tune in Sunday nights on the Sci-fi channel (channel 58 for Time Warner cable folks in the Austin area – I had to look it up). And in so doing embrace your inner sci-fi geek. It’s OK. I would, except that I really don’t like sci-fi.

For another review, check out what my friend Randy says at: his blog

Last note - I am inclined to add the following warning - because it is on cable, and cable can get away with more, the show can be raunchy at times. Be careful and have the fast forward button ready.

The Pursuit of Pursuit

2006-12-10T23:16:00.000-06:00

Ok, now for the long awaited update. So sorry it has been so long. To be honest, I've just been uninspired when it comes to writing anything. I've had ideas, just not the inclination to actually sit down and write them out. Oh well, we all enjoy periods of laziness, right?

Recently I wrote and said that I believed that the Lord's pursuit of me was boring. I wrote that the night before I went to a conference that potentially was life changing. I won't go into all the detial here, but to say the least, I no longer believe that the Lord's pursuit of me is boring. In fact, I now see it as sweetly constant.

I think there is a lot about the Lord that I miss because I like to define things according to how they are defined in the world around me or my experience in the world. But you can't do that with the Lord. I think one will always go astray when you compare the Lord and how He works to someone or some experience in a fallen world. It just never works. You will end up with not only a false belief, but a much smaller view of who God is.

That's what I did in contemplating His pursuit of me. I compared Him to my Dad and my experience. I expected His pursuit of me to, well, I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but be like what I see in the movies (which I know is never real). That feels silly to say. Anyway, I wanted His pursuit of me to rush in like a hero and sweep me off my feet every day, my knight in shining armor. Of course now I think that sounds exhausting.

What I've discovered is that His pursuit of me is passionate and gentle, constant and real, subtle and overwhelming. Its daily persistence with a gentle, guiding and loving touch. It engages my heart and mind, not just my emotions. It's lasting, not just an emotional moment of being swept up and away. It's exactly what I need, when I need it. And sometimes, I think it can only be seen and recognized in hindsight.

That last one maybe is a result of living and being surrounded by a fallen world. I'm too easily distracted to recognize His daily pursuit. But I know it's there. And when my eyes are cleared and I finally do see it, my heart is again wooed, and full of praise.

His pursuit of me is pure, constant, persistant, holy, passionate and unwavering and unending. And it is real. Personally, I found it more romantic than the emotional rush of the knight sweeping me off my feet. It is nothing like anything I've ever known and/or experienced. It's nothing like this world. So don't try to define it, that's no good. Leave the defining up to Him. After all, His ways are much higher than ours.

Bored No More

2006-11-12T13:51:00.000-06:00

After much consideration and perhaps a life changing weekend, I have a confession. I was wrong in that last post. Since I wrote it I've actually discovered that the Lord does indeed persistently pursue me. And nothing about Him is boring. More later when I have time. I just felt the need to correct this wrong thinking.

I realize I've neglected my blog lately. I promise a return soon.

Wild Lover?

2006-10-25T23:47:00.000-05:00

Anyone reading this blog (all, like, 2 of you – if that many) knows that lately I’ve been a bit introspective. I turned 33 and for reason that began a season of life evaluation. I’ve noted circumstances I don’t like, things I would like to change, etc. But really, beneath all the circumstances, there are some heart level issues the Lord is revealing to me that I’m having to deal with. Here is the issue of the day.

God is boring. At least that is what I think I believe. Intellectually I may not believe that is true, but practically, that is how I live. I live as if God is boring. What do I mean? Well, in some ways it all goes back to my believe of me just being average in every department – average personality, average intelligence, average looking, etc. Follow my logic. If I am just average, well, that must be the reason no one has really ever pursued me, including to some extent my own father. And therefore, since no one has ever pursued me, then I must not be pursuable. And believing that, I probably act in a way that communicates that I’m not pursuable. And since I have no experience of anyone really pursuing me, I wonder if God pursues me.

That is what this is really about. Does God pursue me and if so, how? No doubt this is connected to my relationship with my Dad. My parents were divorced before I could form a memory and therefore Dad was always the “fun weekend and vacations” Dad. I actually think I have an OK relationship with him and he and mom seemingly handled the divorce pretty well under the circumstances. Even when both were remarried, we could all, step parents and all, get together for family celebrations and get along. But does my Dad pursue me? Sometimes, but I think rarely. I have no doubt of His love for me, I just think he pursues me when it’s convenient for him, every so often and then puts most of the burden of relationship on me. “When are you going to come see me?”

That is how I view the Lord’s pursuit of me. He loves me no doubt. But it’s a boring love. He pursues me when it’s convenient, or when I’m so desperate He is duty bound to respond, being my “heavenly Father.” I do not believe He loves me and pursues me with a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. I do not believe He is that crazy about me.

But the Biblical record says otherwise. The Bible speaks of a God in Hosea who wildly, passionately and persistently pursued His lover. The Bible speaks of a God who is an all consuming fire, who led His children by a mighty pillar of fire and cloud of smoke, who parted the Red Sea to free His children. It speaks of a God who delights in me. It speaks of a God who so passionately and deeply loved and pursued His children that He sacrificed His own Son to be with us. That is a wild, constant, passionate pursuit. And anything but boring.

Intellectually I believe that is how God pursues me. My head believes it, my heart doubts it. I am either yet to experience that kind of pursuit, or I fail to recognize it being blinded by my own self and the false things I believe about myself. I feel helpless to remove the blinders. I need the Lord to show me His passionate, wild, persistent pursuit of me. I need Him to become my lover.

The Genius of Jane Austen

2006-09-28T21:04:00.000-05:00

As of late I’ve been pondering a very simple question. Why is “Pride and Prejudice” so beloved by millions? And I don’t mean just simply loved like a great book (though it is). I mean really loved. In such ways that sequels have been attempted, websites created, debate over which filmed version is better occurring, fan clubs formed, DVD’s sold, watched multiple times per owner and oft quoted. In reality, it has it’s own subculture. If you don’t believe me just google it – I spent an hour playing on sites and taking tests to see which sister I was most like and which man was for me – which perfectly worked out to be Jane and Bingly because of my inherent sweetness and politeness (the tests knew me so well!). This story is LOVED. But what is at the core of the story that creates such affection for it? That is what has vexed me lately. And at times, I have been excessively diverted.

Now before any of my male friends stop reading, let me assure you that I have met plenty of men who have agreed that it is a good story and have ended up enjoying it even though originally forced to watch it. I give you leave to like it. You’ve liked many a stupider thing before. And I understand your unwillingness to admit your like of it. In vain have we subjected you to less worthy flicks (from Anne of Green Gables to Failure to Launch), and then accused you of being void of any real feeling. And I know most of you would categorize “Anchorman” under “Classics” and that’s OK (secretly maybe I would too). But there’s something attractive even to the male audience about this one. So before you find those aforementioned male fans and make them turn in their man cards, watch it for yourself. Perhaps it will induce you to behave in a more gentleman like manner.

Now to the point – why is it so liked? Well, you know my candor well enough to know me capable of getting to the point, so here it is. I think it is liked because, at its core, it is about righteousness. Let me explain. The story presents an age when propriety still meant something. Now, yes, of course Austen pokes a bit of fun at some of this propriety. And we come in contact with characters whose sense of doing what is right runs only skin deep and others who carry out the propriety of the day in pride and conceit. But it’s also about being patient for things to work out rightly instead of taking matters into your own hands and falling into sin (Lizzie and Jane vs. Wickham and Lydia). It’s about extending grace to others when they are too ignorant and naïve to recognize their need for it while knowing it will continue to cost you one way or another (Darcy to Wickham). It’s about recognizing your own sin and humbly changing your ways (Darcy and Lizzie). It’s about believing the best in everyone (Jane and Bingly). It’s about the consequences of unrighteousness (Wickham and Lydia). It’s about forgiveness instead of bitterness (Darcy’s, Bingly’s vs. Lady Catherine). It’s about community (Jane and Lizzie). It’s about purity and holiness in relationships and the lack there of (take your pick). And the list could go on.

Righteousness envelops this story, one way or another. And we are attracted to it, because we miss it. It is rare to find such displays of righteousness in the world in which we live. Propriety means nothing when compared to my own selfish wants and what makes me feel better. Indeed, we are ruined.

Ok, we’re not really ruined. But I do think our hearts, as believers, long for righteousness. And when we can be caught up in a story for a few hours that so well captures it, well, we’re captured. Stories of righteousness stir our souls. Enter the Gospel.

And this is why I think the attempted sequels, have in my opinion, failed miserably. OK, I admit that I’ve actually never read one. But that’s only because I can’t get past the synopses. They speak of Darcy potentially having an illegitimate child, Jane and Bingly’s passionless marriage, Bingly betraying the family, etc. etc. They all seem to miss out on the righteousness (and one is even listed as “erotica” – Austen would flip in her grave). And in my opinion, the sequels will never have the original’s happiness until they have it’s goodness.

So that in a nutshell is a simplified reason why I think the book is so well liked and may even go down as my all time favorite. Well, that and that Austen is a genius. So if you haven’t read it or seen it, do one or both. Embrace life, get lost in a story of righteousness and have some fun. Because every savage can dance. Even those whose favorite classic movie is “Anchorman.”

Oh and fyi, the 5 hour BBC movie version with Colin Firth is far superior to the still entertaining, yet cliff note version with Kiera Knightly.

And lastly, for those of you who think you know Austen well, this post is littered with adapted lines from the book. Reply in the comments and tell me how many you think you found.

New Stuff

2006-09-26T18:48:00.000-05:00

It's coming soon. I promise. Hold your horses.

The Act of Turning 33 and the Introspection That Follows

2006-08-29T16:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t really felt like doing much of anything lately. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this unmotivated before. Here’s the deal. I don’t really like much about myself right now. Perhaps I’m being too introspective because I just turned 33 (the year of our Lord upon His assumption, as my roommate said) and my life looks nothing like I want it to. Perhaps I’m just believing lies. Whatever the case, that’s how I feel.

In fact, here is what feels true. I’m now past the age that men find attractive. I haven’t had a date with a viable option in over… well, high school wasn’t really a viable option either was it? Therefore, there must be something wrong with me (that is what Henry Cloud would say anyway, and with no evidence to the contrary, I’m inclined to agree with him). I am in a community group with a lot of people who like me, but none who really want to know me. I’m never invited to do social things with folks from that group (unless it’s a general community group event). Obviously, I lack true community and don’t know where to find it. Again, something must be wrong with me. I’m in a job I’m not motivated to do and don’t know how to change. I’m tired of the financial struggle of being on staff. I have a shallow walk with the Lord that I don’t know what to do about and I struggle with sins that I shouldn’t. I have no self-control or discipline, am lazy, critical and judgmental. And let’s not forget arrogant as all get out. I feel like a failure before the Lord in every way. It’s as if the enemy is ravishing me, and I’m powerless to fight back. This is what feels true.

Now before you say that I’m being hard on myself and start sending me sappy notes of encouragement, let’s get some perspective. Most of what I don’t like about myself is what I see and you don’t – my own inner sin. And it is right to be vexed by it. In fact, it should probably trouble me more than it does and the feeling will pass sooner than it should. And yet, I feel defeated and beaten at every turn. How do I change? How do I let the Lord change me?

But my sin is only part of what I don’t like. I don’t like my life. Now I know that sounds like I’m about ready to slit my wrists. That’s not the case at all. I enjoy living. What I mean is, I don’t like the externals in my life. There are three things here that vex me. First, I don’t like my stage of life. I hate being “the singleton” of the family. At 25 it was OK. At 33 it’s demoralizing. I feel less admired and respected because I’m not married. And the loneliness, in all honesty, sucks. I wonder if I’ll ever understand intimacy with the Lord without understanding it in a relationship here.

Secondly, I don’t like how I look. But that is probably more concerned with my sin and eating and exercising habits. So we’ll move on to number three.

Thirdly, I don’t like my job. I don’t hate my job. I just feel like I’m done with it. I want to contribute something to the Kingdom and don’t feel like I’m doing it here. My passions I feel are absent. And in the midst of my angst, I feel the Lord is being silent. Where are you in my distress, Lord?

Somehow, as a friend reminded me this week, it probably all comes down to me believing in God’s goodness. Do I believe He is good to me, even when the things I would use to define His goodness are absent? How do you define His goodness? I’d like to define it by seeing all of the above “fixed.” But something tells me that is missing the point. Something tells me that His goodness is not primarily found in His acts and blessings, but in He Himself. Goodness is part of His character. He IS good.

So, at the end of all this, perhaps I don’t need more “things.” Perhaps I just need more of Him. Bottom line – He must show me His goodness. Because I’m having a hard time seeing it through all the rain.

Kate, Matthew and Me

2006-07-03T12:25:00.000-05:00

So, here I am, about to pack up and leave summer project and New Hampshire behind. I could be actually packing. I could be reflecting on all the Lord has done this summer. I could be hanging out with students. There are beaches and lobster and New England to enjoy a little bit longer, but instead, I’m watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” on TV. And it’s not like I haven’t seen it before.

But today I had a thought - “holy crap, I’m turning 33 in about 6 weeks and am still dateless.” And really there is no hope of a date with a viable option anywhere on the horizon. So nothing like a chick flick to wallow in a well of self pity and feed the fantasy that all singletons maintain. You know, the one where Mr. Right comes along and sweeps you off your feet, just like in the movies. And it would probably be raining because in the moves, water falling from the sky seems to make things more romantic, even if the girl’s hair falls to crap and mascara builds under her eyes and she looks like a hung over Elvira (remember her?). So, I go on living vicariously through Kate Hudson and Matthew McConneghy.

Well, that was entertaining. The movie is over now and I’m back to my own reality. And every time I am in this kind of mood, the thought that always comes to mind, at least lately, is this – am I believing in God’s goodness to me today? Because that is what this attitude rides on. If I am not believing his goodness, I will wallow in self pity and grow bitter. And really, I’ve seen too many friends who’ve remained single into their 30’s become bitter. That is not a journey I want to walk.

But if I am choosing, even by faith, to believe in His goodness, than I can choose to believe that me being single must be God’s best for me right now. And therefore by faith, I can trust Him. In fact, I can even, again by faith, choose to be thankful. And it is a thankful heart that I think will prevent a bitter heart.

So today, I choose to thank the Lord that I am single. I thank Him that I am nearly 33 and dateless. I thank Him that I have so much time that I can spend with Him (not that I do, but I could). And I thank Him for His goodness to me. That’s what I choose today.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go eat some chocolate and listen to Damien Rice.

Wild or Mild?

2006-06-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

So, here I am sitting in a Barnes and Noble near the New Hampshire/Maine border. I came here today to get away from summer project for a while, to spend some time with Jesus and to do some planning for the discipleship/training appointments I have this week. Plenty to do so I gave myself plenty of time. 3+ hours in fact, before I had anywhere to be. Unfortunately I can’t really focus on anything.

Why is it so hard to spend time with Jesus when I have all the time to do it? Perhaps I came to the wrong place. No doubt this isn’t the best environment today. Sometimes I can pull off the coffee shop quiet time, but not today. And no doubt it doesn’t help that my table is facing the “Love and Sex” section of the bookstore and I’ve probably spent a good 20 seconds trying to decipher a book’s title (is it “Wild Sex” or “Mild Sex?” – as if anyone dreams of mild sex, although at 32 ANY sex would be good – and thus another 20 seconds of my life I’ll never get back).

I also have chosen today to once again break my caffeine addiction. The headache is coming on and should last through tomorrow. Therefore I have given myself a 2-day pass from all coherent thought. Expect some crankiness, mumblings, drooling and shaky hands during my detox.

Perhaps it’s the music I’m listening to. The soundtrack to “Sense and Sensibility.” It’s great if you haven’t heard it. Of course, in every arrangement I picture the movie and think through all the reason’s I’m like Elinor (Emma Thompson’s character). We’re both highly rational, full of hidden emotions, deep dreams and longings, and fiercely loyal to our sisters. And then we get to my favorite scene, when Edmund reveals he’s not married and loves Elinor and she unabashedly weeps with joy. Still waiting and hoping for that moment in my own life (OK, it’s a metaphor – not EXACTLY that moment).

Whatever reason I can come up with for having a hard time focusing on Jesus the answer is quite obvious. I’m distracted. I told you it was obvious. But the point is that there are a lot of distractions in life. And we have arranged our lives in such a way that makes it near impossible to quite the distractions. Solitude is indeed a discipline. One that I don’t practice very much. And really, I’m not sure if I would even know where to begin.

So here I am in the local bookstore, coming to grips with the fact that I like the distractions. I like them too much. The other night we sang a praise song about only wanting Jesus. If only that were true. I do want that to be true. He is all I need. I just wished my life more reflected that and I could quite all the crap that vies for my attention and my allegiance. After all, He is the only one worthy of both. He earned my attention and allegiance the hard way.

It’s time to turn the volume down.

Mission Impossible?

2006-05-23T17:46:00.000-05:00

"Without faith it is impossible to please Him..." Have you ever really considered that verse (Heb. 11:6)? It's in a book I've studied several times before, in a chapter I'm familiar with (hall of faith) and actually is a verse I've read over many times. But I don't think I've really ever paused to consider that without faith, it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God. Of course I say as a believer that I want to please God, but do I include faith in that equation (if an equation there really existed)?

It seems to me it is very easy to live my life, attempting to please God, without faith ever entering the picture. I make it all about my behavior, which is clouded in my understanding. That is the opposite of faith. Faith seems to come into play when there is no understanding. What in my life am I seeking to have faith in without understanding? What is God calling me to do that I don't really understand? At the core, the question becomes, where is my faith?

I guess to find the answer of that, I need to also ask, "where are my fears?" Unfortunately, I think fear and faith are 2 sides of the same coin. For example, I fear being single the rest of my life. Do I have faith to believe that God is good and has blessed me as I am? Do I have faith to believe that His plan for me, whether He provides a spouse or not, is best? Do I have faith to believe He really is enough? They go hand in hand. That's how it works.

So what do I need to learn? Let's look at one of my favorite stories in the Old Testament. 2 Chron. 20. We'll take it chunk by chuck over the next couple of posts. Jehoshaphat is king and all of a sudden he finds 3 major enemies allying themselves together and coming to make war against him. It would kind of be like Egypt, Syria and Jordan all uniting to wage war against Isreal today. How does this godly, wise king of a great nation react? He's afraid. He's scared. I think it's safe to say he's worried. All perfectly natural considering his circumstance.

So what does he do? What would you do? I think I would immediately begin pulling my armies together, fortifying my cities, evacuating civilians, etc. But Jehoshaphat , of all things, chooses to worship. Scripture says he "turned his attention to seek the Lord, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah." And it goes on from there. Not only did he proclaim a fast, he called the entire country together, he sought community.

How many times when I'm afraid do I turn to my friends, to my community to share my fears and to seek faith? Hardly ever. Most of the time, I try to handle it on my own. And I'm way to proud to admit my fears in front of folks, much less an entire group. And yet, that's what Jehoshaphat did. In true community, he turned his attention to the Lord.

I'm begining to think that fear is abundant and faith is abondoned in isolation. Without faith it is impossible to please Him. Maybe we need others to have faith.

We'll see how the story continues later. In the meantime, the full passage, up to where we are, is printed below.

So Judah gathered together to seek help from the LORD; they even came from all the cities of Judah to seek the LORD.
Then Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of the LORD before the new court,
and he said, "O LORD, the God of our fathers, are You not God in the heavens? And are You not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in Your hand so that no one can stand against You. "Did You not, O our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before Your people Israel and )give it to the descendants of Abraham Your friend forever? "They have lived in it, and have built You a sanctuary there for Your name, saying,'Should evil come upon us, the sword, or judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You for Your name is in this house and cry to You in our distress, and You will hear and deliver us.'"Now behold, the sons of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir, whom You did not let Israel invade when they came out of the land of Egypt (they turned aside from them and did not destroy them),see how they are rewarding us by coming to drive us out from Your possession which You have given us as an inheritance."O our God, will You not judge them? For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You."All Judah was standing before the LORD, with their infants, their wives and their children.

Something's Missing

2006-05-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

Recently we participated in our company’s worldwide day of prayer. It was a corporate mandate that we take a day in our busy schedule, stop, come before the Lord, and pray. It was time to beseech our sovereign Lord to glorify Himself in our ministry, to show up, to bless, to change lives, etc. So we gathered on the designated Tuesday morning, hovered around the snacks (so much for fasting) and waited with dread for the day to begin. It seemed that no one, including myself, wanted to be there. And since we were all so busy with important events coming up, we decided to only pray for half a day and call it quits at lunchtime.

Was it Hudson Taylor who said something like, “I have a lot to do today so I should pray twice as much.” Well, if it wasn’t him, it was some cool spiritual giant that has gone before us. My point is this, what has happened in our spiritual lives that we so quickly sacrifice prayer? Are our tasks really that important or could it be that praying more is the very task we should be doing? When presented with the opportunity to participate in something that has spiritual depth, why do we balk?

I’ve been wrestling with this question lately. I’m involved in the singles ministry at my church. And whether in my community group or in our evening worship service, whenever we do anything that is participatory and has spiritual depth to it, well… very few participate, including myself.

Are we afraid of intimacy with Jesus? I’m not sure I can answer that. I’m not sure I really know what intimacy with Jesus looks like (or intimacy with anyone for that matter). But to be honest, I’m not sure that question is even on the radar. Whether I’m afraid of intimacy with Him or not (after all, He knows me and all the things about me I’m ashamed of) I think it’s more that I am content in the shallow relationship I have with Him. Or I just don’t know any different.

To me, if I can make a sweeping, unfair statement, this defines a majority of the singles at my church (again, including myself). And here is what I think is missing. The Gospel.

No wonder my relationship with Him is shallow. It is so easy to go through our days and not experience the Gospel in our lives. We've made a habit of treating the Gospel like fire insurance, our ticket to heaven as the sayings go. We buy it and never think about it again, or if we do, it's on our deathbed. And why not, daily experiencing the Gospel is hard. After all, experiencing the Gospel involves dealing with sin in our own lives and perhaps confronting it in others. That is never fun. At church in my community group I sense a general reluctance to really deal with sin. And in my own life I’ve grown adept at glossing over it and rationalizing it. Therefore repentance and forgiveness and healing and growth… etc. are missing and thus, the Gospel is absent too.

The Gospel or the lack thereof affects everything we do. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, I’m not experiencing true, Biblical community. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then I’m forgetting my true identity as a believer. If I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then I’m running in shame from my Lord, instead of boldly approaching His throne to find grace and mercy in my time of need. And if I’m not experiencing the Gospel then yes, I probably am afraid of intimacy with Jesus. And finally, if I’m not experiencing the Gospel, then my motivation to pray is limited. Without the Gospel, prayer is sort of pointless, tasks become the focus, and we stop seeking His glory. It becomes all about us and what we do, whether we realize it or not.

Oh to experience the Gospel (and thus intimacy with Jesus) in such a way that I can honestly say, in community, “we have a lot to do, let’s pray all day.” Not because we should, but because we long too. Because we can’t wait to spend a day with the lover of our soul. Because we know who He is and thus, who we are with all of our sin, and our desperate need for Him. Because we know we are loved. Because we know we need the Gospel.

For Joe

2006-04-20T23:22:00.000-05:00

I know I need to update my blog, but I'm sitting here on my couch completely uninspired. I can't think of a thing to write about. So, instead, I'm going to share with you a poem I once wrote my brother. After college I lived overseas for 2 1/2 years and one time, my brother had the nerve to complain that I didn't email him enough. So I wrote this poem for him. Oh, and I had been suffering from a bit of a cold at the time.

I said I would write you
When I came to feel better
But please don't expect this
To be a long letter

There was a short time
I thought my head would blow
But lucky for you
There was only snot flow.

The weather has changed
Now things are kinda hot
But alas, poor me
There is still plenty of snot.

But my lungs have cleared
So things are looking up
which is ideal to keep
snot out of juice cup.

I know it must look like
snot has been my theme
But it really isn't
as bad as it seems

So I'll continue to write
My brother I suppose
Just don't expect them
All to be in prose.

1997

Sorry if I grossed some of you out. I warned you I was uninspired. This is all I have to offer.

Missing Him

2006-04-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

It's almost Easter. It seems every year this holiday kind of sneaks up on me. I go to church on Easter Sunday, celebrate the resurrection and then hardly give it a second thought. But not this year. This year I want to pause, I want to contemplate, I want to worship.

Interesting that I feel disconnected from the Lord this week. I'm finding it hard to enter into this holy week with Him. I wonder if this is how the disciples felt the more it became clear that His kingdom was not what they had thought it to be?

In my reading through scripture I've been struck by how clear it is that the disciples just didn't get what Jesus' kingdom was all about. He told them it was time to go to Jerusalem and that he would die, and I think they stopped listening at "go to Jerusalem." So a mom of 2 disciples comes and asks if her boys can sit at His right and at His left in His kingdom. I can hear the jeering of the other disciples even now. After 3 years together and witnessing untold miracles, they didn't understand His kingdom.

It seems the disciples had a knack for only hearing what they wanted to (and yes, now I do have that Lisa Loeb song in my head). They had their own presuppositions, heard what they wanted, at times displayed little faith, and therefore, almost missed everything Jesus was really doing.
This sounds familiar. I think I do the same thing. I want to follow Him and surrender to Him, but I want to do it my way. Not only am I unwilling to count the costs, I create a way of "following" Jesus where there are no costs involved. And I'm missing Him.

Actually, this week where I strangely feel far from Him, I just miss Him.

Happy Easter. The Lord is Risen.

I love my daddy.

2006-03-31T22:14:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with my Dad. We were at Cafe Adobe in New Braunfels with my step mom, niece, and little brother and little sister. I'm not really sure how the conversation happened, but over the chips and salsa, we ended up in a discussion about righteousness. What does it mean to pursue righteousness? Why should we pursue righteousness?

Let me give you some background. My dad grew up in a very small town in north Texas where he attended your small town, traditional Church of Christ. To him, a relationship with Jesus equals good works. As long as he is doing and pursuing good works, he is saved. Now ultimately, I don't know for sure the status of my dad's salvation. That is the Lord's to judge. All is know is what I observe. And based on what I observe, I see no evidence that he has a relationship with Jesus. This doesn't mean I think less of my Dad. He is a great guy, who is loved by many who know him and have worked with and for him. There are a lot of qualities my Dad has I wish I could emulate more. He is a great guy and I love him dearly. But I am concerned for his soul.

Now, back to our conversation. From my point of view, the conversation went fine. No one was upset, no one was irrational, no one seemed to be emotional. It seemed to be a healthy discussion. But towards the end, I said something I've never said to him. I basically, as loving and affirming as I could, told him I saw no evidence of a personal relationship with Jesus. He accused me of judging him. Now, while I think we define "judging" differently, his feeling is valid. And no doubt I have sinned in my relationship with him and how I treat him. No doubt. And I am sorry that he feels judged by me. That is not my heart at all. We ended the conversation fine, I apologized for making him feel judged, we said our goodbyes and I drove back to Austin.

That was 2 weeks ago. Today was the first time I've spoken with my father since that conversation. I've tried all week to get him. Tonight he called to basically tell me he's upset, mad and doesn't want to talk to me right now. Then he abruptly hung up.

Rationally here is what I know and what others in my life have affirmed. I did nothing wrong. I lovingly spoke the truth to him. That is a big deal, because I don't think I'm known for speaking the truth in love. I usually speak it very bluntly with no regard to someone's feelings. But this time, by the grace of God, I did. My 23 year old niece who was there even affirmed that. He, on the other hand, is responding irrationally and immature. He's hurt. One friend said he may even be feeling a level of conviction and doesn't know it. I shouldn't take it personally, I did the right thing, pray and let the Lord handle it.

That's very rational. But here's the problem with that - I love my daddy. And when a daughter who loves her daddy hears from him that he doesn't want to talk to her, it hurts. I was calm and rational on the phone, but I hung up and wept. I'm still weeping. Thank God Shannon was still in the office or Michael Swanson and I would have had an awkward moment.

So now I wrestle with this - do I continue to take advantage of opportunities in the future to speak truth to him, at the expense of our relationship? Will we ever be able to rationally discuss spiritual issues? With him feeling so judged by me, will I ever be the one from whom he would even hear truth? How do I proceed?

I don't know. All is know is that this hurts. Relationships are hard. And I want my dad to know Jesus intimately and deeply. It seems it'll be up to Jesus, which is where I should have started.

And I don't want to hear any comments about my glasses in the above picture - it was 10 years ago, almost to the day ironically, and big glasses were in, I tell you!

What's Wrong With Me?

2006-03-12T00:14:00.000-06:00

Recently I found out that my brother has a girlfriend. My 40 year old, lives at home with Mom to pay off debt, recovering alcoholic, bi-polar brother has a girlfriend. Now I don't mean to sound negative towards my brother. He really is growing in his relationship with the Lord and doing well. He deserves some happiness. Good for him. It just makes me think (because it's all about me), "what the hell is wrong with me?"

Let me explain. I haven't seriously dated a guy since I was 16 years old, and really, how serious can you call any relationship when you're 16? Granted the guy was 4 years older and in college, but still. It was so serious that he sent me a 3-4 page, front/back letter telling me all the good things he liked about me and I responded with a "dear John" letter. I still regret that, but what do you expect, I was 16 (and really, what creepy 20 year old college student seriously pursues a 16 year old!).

Anyway, back to my point. Not only have I doubled in age since I last had a dating relationship, I can count the number of dates that I've been interested in since then on one hand. So all this to say, it makes a girl wonder, "what is wrong with me?" And if a girl is wondering that, she's also wondering, "what do I need to do, what book should I read, holy crap do I need counseling?"

In all reality, the answer to that last one may be "yes." Counseling may often be a good idea. Maybe there is something with how I come across or some odd behavior that needs pointing out and corrected. Maybe I am, for some reason, uncomfortable talking with guys and don't make good eye contact. I don't know, but surely there is something. Something to be fixed.

And maybe there is a plan of action to be taken. A recent book on dating suggests that I need to through myself out there, start meeting guys, practice talking with them, even sign up for internet dating. By default it suggests that I'm not dating because I'm not doing enough. It's all my fault.

Now, I'm not going to question the validity of that. If I stay home and become a hermit it is true that I may never have a date. I would become either the freaky cat lady or the old maid librarian type. Those seem to be the only options. And yes, I'm sure I could use the practice. More than once I've walked away from a conversation with a guy regretting the dorky things that mysteriously came out of my mouth.

But what I do question is this - where is the Lord in all of this? In what am I putting my faith, my hope and my trust? Is it in what I do? Could it be that I am not dating someone right now, and thus not married, because it's not in God's plan for me at the moment? Is there really more I need to do, or do I just need to be? It seems to me that by focusing on things to do, I'm making it all about me, just trying to get what I want through other means instead of trusting Jesus, the giver of all good things. That's my main beef with all these dating books - they make it all about the wrong person.

It's not about me. It's about the lover of my soul who pursues me at all costs. It's about One who cherishes me, delights in me and longs for me more than I can know. It's about One whom, if I could really see Him, I would desire none other. It's about His glory.

In reality, I will still compare myself to others and wonder what is wrong with me. I've wept over that one. Why does absolutely no one want to date me? Is it how I look? What I say? Etc. And it has only confirmed my believe that I'm just average. I should say, my false belief, but I still find it hard to believe that is false.

Every day I wake up consumed by me. So everyday I must choose to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. Because then the question becomes not "what is wrong with me?" but "what is right about Him?" He is my only hope.

Authors note - for the record, I love my brother and am proud of all he has overcome. I make a list of his issues simply to make a point. I very well could have called myself the "32 year old, living in debt, lazy, bitchy, self righteous and overly opinionated sister who always thinks she is right." I really do wish him well and all happiness.

Heart of an Artist

2006-03-02T14:08:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine, Melinda, is an artist. Recently she went to an art conference in New York City and wanted to share with me what she learned. What she wrote made me a little teary. I told her she wrote her mission statement. Why is it so hard to include her heart and gifting (and others like her) with the mission of CCC? I think as long as CCC misses out on this, even at a local level, we will continue to miss vast portions of our audience and lose effectiveness. We need people like Melinda to blaze a new path and lead us in a new direction.

Anyway, here is the heart of one gifted artist.

"Here are some things I learned in NYC: They talked about how art(art of all forms) is a language of the soul...we can communicate things that are true, false, evil, good...on and on...it made me think of the verse in James that says, " With the tongue we praise out Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the spring?" It made me realize that my heart overflows to not only my words but also the language of my art. Art speaks to the soul....the holistic being of man...which science and conceptual knowledge can not....we have a unique voice in the world. Some things that are Universal...in every culture...humans are born...they die...and every known culture has some artistic form...which should tell us that art is imperative to the life of the human soul. They encouraged us to push back the darkness in the world with beauty....to be the eye in the storms of life....that place of peace for the weary ones caught in the world. We must seek to be brokers of peace and reconciliation...to God and to others....they gave examples of one man playing his cello in the streets of Slovenia where wars were being had...and men had been killed...I thought of Martin Luther King Jr...using the power of art in his I have a Dream Speech....the way his heart formed those words...no stale outlined speech could've done...he spoke into the soul of men. Educating people about art isn't about creating art patrons...its about creating a society in which we would want to live...and I say that is more glorifying to God and more fully represents His Kingdom....we are here to create outposts for His Kingdom....We live in a consumer society. and as such...people loose touch with the potential of their humanity...and loose touch with the depth and richness which God in His grace has created us to be a part of.....let us not merely amuse others with our art...or entertain them...but let us speak transformation and breath life and hope into their souls...... "

Intimacy is Expected

2006-02-16T17:52:00.000-06:00

Thursday is basketball day. Every week, several of us from the office gather at 4 pm to play some ball, get some exercise. So far, while it's been fun, it has also exposed several things to me. First, I am way out of shape. Two, that sweet shot I had in high school has faded quite a bit. And three, I still love to play. Thankfully there is another girl who plays so I can play too.

But one thing I've observed is that the basketball court is a place of unspoken intimacy. When you are guarding another person there is all sorts of incidental contact that happens, and it's OK, it's part of the game. When my hand grazes another players butt or hip or something else, he/she knows I'm attempting to guard them and it's OK. When someone sets a screen and I run straight into the chest of a man I normally wouldn't ever get so close too, it's OK. It's all part of the game. When I hook arms with the player I'm gaurding (or fouling), it's OK. There's only been one time where I accidentally grazed some gentleman's "package." But what can I say, he was trying to drive the lane. Not in my house, buddy! We never spoke of it, because again, it's all part of the game (and it would have embarassed him quite a bit).

The point I'm trying to make is, we're comfortable on the court. While we may not know each other that well in life, we know what each other is like on the court. And because we know each other in that way, the touchy intimacy is OK. It's part of the game. In fact, it's normal.

Now I know this may be a stretch, but what if community among followers of Christ were like that? What if we knew each other so well, that intimacy was comfortable? Of course, I don't necessarily mean touchy intimacy like on the court. But what if being completely vulnerable and known was not only comfortable, but expected - just part of following Christ? While on the basketball court we are united in the purpose of scoring, in life we are united by Christ. What if that were enough to make us comfortable with each other so that we were intimatly known and knew others?

And what would the result be? On the court, you're working together to achieve a common goal. What if we could follow Christ as a team, helping each other run the race to the end? I actually think that is what community is supposed to be like. All of us together, enduring the messy fouls, keeping each other hydrated, making it to the end.

Funny the things you learn on a basketball court. And sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable, Trina. I have to do something to keep you from scoring.

2+2=nothing relational

2006-02-06T13:07:00.000-06:00

My thoughts on surrender continue. Here's where I'm at now. How does one fully surrender? I know that it is unrealistic to want a formulaic, quick fix, easy 5 step guide to full surrender. Yet, according to how I live, that is what I want and seek. A quick fix or prayer to solve all my problems. I want the easy way. The one that doesn't take much of my time, thought, energy and overall effort.

But do I really want that? What would this relationship look like if Jesus consistenly doled out formulas to walking with Him? Something tells me that wouldn't be much of a relationship and any intimacy would be contrived. How would one grow if it were easy to follow Christ? And how would I ever experience His gentleness, His grace, His comfort etc. if life were struggle free? It has been in the midst of my struggles that I have found Him the most sweet. Would I really want to replace His loving, gentle touch in a hard, messy relationship with a simple, cold formula?

Of course, I know too well that that Jesus is not formulaic. He is a relational being and we are made in His image. It seems to be His plan that we learn and experience surrender in community and relationship with Him and others. Again, we are in a relationship. Relationships are hard and messy and time consuming and humbling and incredible and refining and wonderful, fun, adventurous, etc. Our relationship with Jesus no doubt has all of these characteristics. But here's the problem. Even knowing all of this, I still struggle to count the cost and fully surrender.

Perhaps the real question is this. Is there something lacking in my view of Him. Does my view of God effect how willing I am to surrender? Does my small, consumer oriented view of God cause me to be lazy when counting the cost of following Jesus? Does it make me less willing to fully surrender?

No doubt the answer to all of the above is yes. Look at the Biblical precedent. Paul. Isaiah. Moses. The woman at the well. Ruth. And so on. They all encountered God and lived surrendered lives. And for the most part, they didn't really seem to struggle with the surrendering. Not to say that they did not encounter struggles, they certainly did. But whatever the cost, they lived surrendered lives. Is it because they knew intimately Him whom they followed and knew His worth, even if it meant their very lives? Look at the apostles. They counted the cost and gave their lives. They knew Him and found Him worthy.

The problem is I am a consumer. I ultimately only come to Jesus because I want something from Him. In doing so, I fail to see His wonder, His beauty, His mystery, His worth. I've made Jesus, the King of all Kings, my own personal Santa Claus. And I've grown pretty adept at calling that intimacy. I am now finding that kind of intimacy... empty.

In my cloak of false intimacy I'm discovering that just maybe, I really don't know Him that well at all. And when intimacy is false, surrender is only a facade.

What if "Sleepless in Seattle" was a horror movie?

2006-02-03T10:07:00.000-06:00

Check it out. http://www.tomatopatch.com/films/sleepless.htm

Using Jesus

2006-01-28T17:23:00.000-06:00

So, here is what I've been pondering lately. Is there something about the ease of the world in which we live, and by that I mean modern technology, that makes it harder for us to surrender our lives for a lifetime? Why do I only think of surrender one category or circumstance at a time? Why do I seem unable to completely surrender my all?

Lately, I've been confronted with my own seemingly shallow relationship with Jesus. It's easy for me to verbally say I'm surrendered, but really, my surrender is limited by conditions, desires and wants. I am way too easily distracted in this relationship, treating Jesus like the check out boy at Target - the one I have to go through to get what I want. I am a consumer. And I'm using Jesus. Perhaps my culture and surroundings have made being a consumer much to easy and it's filtered into my relationships.

I've spent some time thinking about the missionaries of old - the Gladys Aylwards, Amy Carmichals, Hudson Taylors, and Jim Elliots and others. It is mind boggling to me to think that for some, when they left to travel to their ministry locations, the journey would take 6 months. I've been known to complain about a 20 hour plane ride. This is what has made me wonder if our great, modern technology has made living much too easy and thus, made our view of surrender... well, light.

Perhaps the lines were clearly drawn back then. To follow Jesus you knew it involved great diffictulties and therefore the surrender was taken seriously and was lived out once made. But what if today the lines are no less clearly drawn? What if today we just perceive them to be muddy? What if today we are far too easily satisfied and are eating mud pies, as CS Lewis would say? What if today, when we choose to follow Jesus, we should consider that that live will include great difficulties and suffering and that surrender is not a light subject? What if today we are just fearful and lazy?

I wonder where the Hudson Taylor's, Amy Carmichal's, Elliots, Billy Grahams and Bill Brights are of today. Because so far I'm pretty convinced it's not me. And to be honest, in my flesh, I'm not sure I even want it to be me. But in my spirit I hope. I hope for change. I hope for full surrender.

NOTE - the picture above is one of my heroes, Gladys Aylward. For a brief bio check out http://chi.gospelcom.net/women/aylward.shtml.

Blog Neglect

2006-01-19T22:17:00.000-06:00

Due to post conference traumatic stress syndrome and the result of spending 17 out of 18 days away from home, all blogging was temporarily suspended. It will resume soon upon a complete recovery from this malady.

Holiday Preparations

2005-12-22T11:26:00.000-06:00

Christmas. I love the Christmas season, getting together with your family, good food, etc. But hard work always comes with the terrritory. Today is "all day baking day" with my sister. 4 pies, buck eye balls, fudge, iced butter cookies, sweet potatos, green bean casserole, etc. It takes a lot of work to make a holiday special. Tonight, my feet and back will hurt, I'll have food splatters on my clothing and I'll be as whipped as the meringue my sister and I will attempt to make. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the holidays.

And just so you think I've forgotten - I love celebrating my savior's lowly arrival on earth in human form. He may have been in a poor manger, but I like to think that at that moment, in heaven the angels are singing something as majestic as "For Unto Us a Child Is Born" from Handel's Messiah. If you haven't heard it recently, check it out and picture the scene. It makes me a little weepy every time I hear it.

Merry Christmas!

Lazy Love

2005-12-16T18:50:00.000-06:00

With my last post I concluded that because of my own average view of myself, I need Jesus to woo me. I need Him to pursue me. I need Him to convince me of my inner and outer beauty. I've come to realize that what I really want is Him to do all the work in this relationship.

I'm seeing this as a pattern in my life. As a kid, I wanted to play piano, I just didn't want to practice (damn that "Chariots of Fire" song). I wanted to be an archeologist (go Indiana Jones!), I just didn't want to study what I called "all that science stuff." In college I wanted to be an actress (sometimes still do), but decided that sounded like too much work. And even now, I want to get in shape, be fit, eat healthy, but don't want to exercise (I hate it and would rather be slapped in the face).

It seems I don't want to work for the things I really want. I want to know Jesus intimately, as my lover, but don't want it to take my time and effort. Obviously, that's not much of a relationship. If I were married and my husband treated me like that, I would be deeply hurt. If I tried to seduce him and love him and he just didn't have time for me, the wound would be deep. I don't know why I treat Jesus that way. And I really don't know why He keeps pursuing me.

This past week or so, I have had one thought randomly coming to my mind over and over. Driving down the road listening to Christmas songs I hear a still, small voice saying, "I want your heart." Putting gas in my car I hear, "I want your heart." Sitting in church hearing a talk on something completely other than all this, again I hear, "I want your heart." I think I'm beginning to believe He wants my heart. All of it.

He wants me fully engaged and surrendered in this relationship. He wants me participating. He wants me to be as giddy about Him as He is about me. He wants all of my defenses down. He wants me to let go of my heart, and the fear that keeps my iron grip around it, and give it all to Him. He wants me.

Wow, He wants me. For me to understand the depths of His love for me, I have to participate. I have to be fully engaged. And as He slowly, patiently, gently woos my heart, my grip is beginning to loosen.

"I must arise now and go about the city; In the streets and in the squares I must seek Him whom my soul loves. I sought Him but did not find Him. The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me, and I said, "Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?" Scarcely had I left them when I found Him whom my soul loves; I held on to Him and would not let Him go..."
Song of Solomon 3:2-4

Unveiling Beauty

2005-12-01T13:36:00.000-06:00

Warning: This post might give you more of a glimpse into a womans mind (or at least into mine) then you want. I don't write about this stuff often, but occassionally, well... it happens.

Am I beautiful? Am I worthy of being faught for and/or whole heartedly pursued? Apparently (according to John and Stasi Eldredge) every woman asks herself this question. We all struggle with wanting to know if we are lovely, desireable, beautiful.

I've been pondering these questions lately as I've been reading "Captivating," a recent book by the Eldredges. Because I don't like being like everyone else, I wish I could write and say, I don't struggle with those questions. And even as I write this, I wonder at what level of vulnerability will I write (I don't think many people read this anyway). The truth is, I do struggle to believe I'm beautiful. I've convinced myself I'm just average.

Why do I believe this? It's never been proved otherwise. I've never been told I'm beautiful. I've never been pursued by someone who thinks I am. I've even been told by someone (years ago) that he was interested in dating me while not physically attracted to me (and he never did ask me out). I know he didn't mean it maliciously, but damn, that hurts. Then there was my family, who loves me very much and meant well, but by suggesting ways I could look better or different ways to dress, only communicated to me that I wasn't beautiful. In fact I didn't start caring about how I looked until a friend in my early 20's starting affirming me (instead of making suggestions for improvement). All this to say, my life experience has only reinforced to me that I'm average.

Now I know I'm supposed to believe that true beauty comes from within and that God thinks I'm beautiful. But really, I see it as a catch 22. Perhaps what I believe about my physical appearance reinforces an average beauty within which somehow reinforces my belief regarding my physical appearance. And as for God, well... He's God, He's supposed to think I'm beautiful. I don't feel that counts.

So what do I do? Because according to this book, I am beautiful. I've believed a lie. Actually, I know the answer. The answer is that I'm looking to find my beauty or to have my beauty affirmed in the wrong place. I'm seeking it in a man. I'm hoping that one day, some guy will love me passionately and unconditionally enough to convince me I'm beautiful, that I'm desireable, I'm worth pursuing. This is my current form of idolatry.

Oh, I'll probably go on trying to look beautiful. I'll try to dress well, do my make-up and be more engaging with men (as a friend told me I wasn't and didn't make good eye contact). But to find my beauty, or rather, to be convinced that I am beautiful, I need to learn to relate to Jesus differently. I need to see Him as my lover, my pursuer. I need Him to convince me of my beauty. I need Him to woo my heart. In a way, I need Him to seduce me. And He has to be the one to do it. He has to show me how He woos me, how He loves me, how He pursues me. I need Him to show me because I'm convinced only He can unveil beauty. After all, He created it (and me).

Starbucks and Toile

2005-10-27T16:04:00.000-05:00

Ah, Starbucks. Vanilla Latte. Random Reggae music by Toots and the Maytals. Tracy Chapman, Bob Dylan and Alanis Morissette for sale on the CD rack. The perfect environment in which to work. Occassionally I like to leave the confines of my cubicle and go work in a cafe. Usually I am surrounded by other 20-40 somethings enjoying the corporate coffee world.

But today is different. In 1 hour I counted 6 sr. citizens enjoying their golden years (one proudly wearing his WW II vet hat as he should be proudly wearing it), 1 gentleman who looked like ZZ Top from the neck up and, well... my Dad from the neck down (khaki's, plaid button down shirt), and then their was the lonely 20 something dad of a newborn baby girl, pushing a ginormous stroller. Nothing wrong with that, it was just interesting. Usualy you see the frazzled and tired mom's in Starbucks, not the suddenly overwhelmed new fathers. And no ladies, he was not wearing a wedding ring. The plot thickens.

So what is it about people watching that is so facsinating that it can keep us occupied sometimes for hours? On one level perhaps it's just a distraction from doing the things we should be doing, a form of procrastination. Perhaps it is a selfish and arrongant way to feel better about myself ("At least I'm not like her."). Or maybe it's just a reminder to me that the old cliche is true - there really is a drama behind every face. We are complex creatures. There is a story to each life I observe. I wonder if the overwhelmed Dad is happy with life. Why is the guy in the cowboy hat embarrased to buy the Tracy Chapman CD and why did he quickly walk over and put it back? Is our own angst in life only because we spend so much time focusing on these little snippets, instead of the greater, larger story?

Really, I think people watching is facsinating because it reminds me that there is a larger story. Most of the time that's encouraging to me, especially when the snippet I known to be my current reality kind of, well... stinks.

I like Starbucks and cafe's. It's a good place to get some work done. And you should see what the guy who just walked in is wearing. Should guys ever wear toile shirts and tapered jeans that fall at the ankle? Is that a new trend?

You Are So Good To Me?

2005-10-13T16:45:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday all was going pretty well for me. My hair and outfit for the day were in good order, I had chatted successfully with some friends, had my coffee and was now comfortably ready to sit through another 40 minute message. All was good in the world. It was at this point that the speaker put Phil. 4:6 on the screen. "Don't be anxious for anything but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God." Normally, I just keep listening. But this time I immediately thought, "Why? What good will it do?" That thought stopped me cold. "Where did that come from?" I thought to myself.

"What good will it do?" Had I really lost hope that my requests matter to God? Have I really begun to doubt His goodness to me? Do I really doubt that He cares? To be honest, some days, yes, I do doubt his goodness to me and I do occasionally feel like He doesn't care. How many times can you make the same requests known to Him, not see an answer, and still believe He cares? I don't know. How does prayer work anyway?

There are so many passages that say, "ask and you will receive" or "ask for anything in my name and it will be done for you" or "ask, believing that you have what you ask for, and you will have it" not to mention the old standby, "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Not to be boastful, but I feel like I've done this. So why don't I have the things I ask for? I just don't understand how this all works sometimes.

But I guess it still comes down to one thing. Do I trust Him? Do I trust Him with my life, to lead me in this journey? To trust Him, I have to believe in His goodness. And yes, I do believe in His goodness. He did save me after all. Intellectually I have no problem believing that He loves me and cares for me. And if I think real hard, I'm sure I could remember things in my life that serve as reminders that He is indeed good to me. My head knows His love for me and His caring of me to be a fact. My experience is what falters. My heart lags behind.

Maybe I'm just being a bratty kid who isn't getting what she wants. That's probably true. And maybe, just maybe, I've made this whole prayer thing a little too much about me. I still don't understand how it all works together, but with my mind, I'm choosing to believe in His goodness to me. I just wish my heart believed it too.

It's All In The Editing

2005-10-06T17:10:00.000-05:00

http://www.ps260.com/elfollador/Scary%20Titanic.mov - Titanic
http://www.ps260.com/Trailer/westsidestorytrailer_small.mov - West Side Story
http://www.transbuddha.com/index.php/buddha/comments/5330/ - Psycho
and by far my favorite:
http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov - The Shining

Apparently every year there is a "trailer editing" competitition to see who can most creatively re-edit movie trailers. I heard a story about this on NPR once. Apparently someone had re-edited the "Sound of Music" trailer to make the movie sound like a horror show. It was really funny. I'll try to find that one, but in the meantime, enjoy these.

Incomplete

2005-10-05T18:21:00.000-05:00

I forgot to wear a watch today. I feel so naked. Thus my wardrobe and self image for the day are incomplete.

"Lost" Faith

2005-09-23T18:08:00.000-05:00

Without a doubt, "Lost" is the best show on television. Sure, some could argue that is a matter of opinion. I choose to believe it as fact. No other show is as entertaining. No other show leaves you week after week wondering, "what the crap?" Each episode leaves you concocting crazy theories that one week later are proven false. This week, we're theorizing who are the others? Who is Desmond waiting for? How long has he been there? How did Jin get back to the island? Are there any other survivors alive? What's with the clock counting down from 108? Etc. And basically week after week we have no idea what is going on.

That is why we love it. We have no idea what is going on. Somewhere (perhaps locked securely in the brilliant minds of JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof) there is a bigger picture, a larger plot, a much larger story to tell. Week to week we only see small portions of the whole. And those portions pretty much leave us fantastically frustrated and more intrigued and confused. We love the mystery. So week to week we come back and watch, again wondering "what the crap?" We have no idea what is going on and what to expect, but we sure love to watch and experience.

Now for the part where I get all spiritual on you. Isn't this a lot like our own spiritual journey? And yet, I treat it so differently. As a follower of Jesus I have to believe that there is a much larger story at play then just the small part I see. His ways are higher, He is doing more than I can imagine. And yet I am so consumed with the small part involving me. I too make my theories about just what the Lord is doing in my life. Maybe He's doing this... maybe that. Maybe he wants me to do this... maybe that. Maybe He's leading me here... maybe not. Why did He do that... why isn't He doing this? Etc.

But the bottom line is, I have no idea what the Lord is doing. And yes, often I respond to Him with "what the crap?" Just like in watching "Lost" I want to know the larger story and I want to know where it's going. And just like watching "Lost" I am left to trust the writer. Trust that the Author of the story knows exactly what He is doing. Trust that He is good. Trust that it's still going to be quite an adventure and that it's OK if I'm clueless.

But here's the difference. I enjoy the mystery on "Lost." That's part of what makes it great. I embrace the mystery. But not in life. I hate the mystery. I hate not knowing. I hate not being in control. And yet, that is what a life of faith is all about. Not knowing, not being in control and trusting anyway. Having no idea how we're travelling, but coming along for the ride anyway because I trust the driver. OK, enough stupid analogies. The point is, our life of faith is one of adventure. And we should embrace it and enjoy the mystery that trusting the Lord brings. We should be excited to see what the Lord has for us just around that next corner. We should greatly anticipate each new episode. We should embrace the mystery in life and our life of faith, or we might just end up lost.

They're Married, I'm Not

2005-09-20T16:09:00.000-05:00

Recently some comments have been made to me that have made me feel burdened by my singleness. Yes, I'm 32, yes I'm completely single and yes, there are no potential dates on the horizon. Normally, I'm OK with that. For the most part I find it pretty easy to pretend that I really enjoy my singless. I say pretend because while I seem to be enjoying myself and my life, I would trade it in a heartbeat to be married to, for lack of a better word, my soulmate. But really, life is generally pretty good.

Until someone says to you, "how many people do you know that are getting married and you're not?" You see, I have a lot of friends who have either recently married or are getting married in the near future. I even recently went to 2 weddings on the same day. And for the most part, I enjoyed them.

But as is expected, at a wedding I inevitably find myself thinking, "wow, what would this be like if it were me?" And then I glance around the room as if looking through a scope to find potential targets to receive my love. Of course, then I chastise myself and force myself to focus on the ceremony and shove all thought of lonliness and spinsterhood aside until I'm back in my car, alone.

Let's face it, for anyone like me, occassionally, being single makes me sad. Admitting that I have dreams and longings that are unmet makes me sad. Realizing that there is no guarantee that those dreams and longings will be met this side of eternity makes me sad. Thinking that I will continue to be the less respected member of my family (because whether or not that's true, that is what feels true) makes me sad. Thinking I may never have a family of my own, makes me sad. Realizing I will always have to provide for myself, makes me sad. And on and on the list can go.

So what do I do with the sadness and deep emotion being single occasionally brings to me? It seems these days all the popular books on the topic seem to say that if I stay busy enough with friends or dates from internet services, etc. I won't have time to dwell on and think about how single I am and won't experience the sadness because I'll be having so much fun. I find fault with this. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for spending time with friends and having a good time and to a certain extent, that is true. While I'm having fun with friends I generally do not dwell on the fact that I long to be married and am not.

But neither am I afriad of those deep emotions that those thoughts and feelings bring. In fact, when they arise, I tend to embrace them. I have found that I need to go there in my heart. I need to feel the hurt and pain of unmet desires and dreams. I need to feel the sadness. I need to occassionally cry. I need to go there and let those emotions drive me to the feet of God.

Yes, I know emotions can lead me astray. But I also know that my emotions can lead me to the heart of God. I need to cry out my unmet desires so he can softly whisper, "there are pleasures forever at My right hand.... I open up MY hand and satisfy every living thing.... I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever.... your flesh and your heart may fail, but I am near....boldly approach My throne and receive mercy and grace...." And on He goes.

I need my emotions to lead me, sad and broken, to Him. Then I can taste and see that He is good. Then I am hungry and thirsty for more of Him. Then I can surrender.

So while I don't really welcome comments like the one above (I certainly don't look forward to and pursue these melancholy moments), I am willing to feel the sadness. It reminds me that I love Jesus. Deeply. And that He is enough.

I once had a friend tell me that while she was single, she felt like the Lord really met her in deep, special ways. And that while He still meets her now that she is married, it's different from her single days. Somehow, I can see why. My singleness has led to sweet times with Jesus. For that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my singleness.

Not that I want to stay single or anything. It might be fun to find out how the Lord works in married peoples lives....

Naked or Really Naked?

2005-09-14T19:30:00.000-05:00

Today a friend of mine commented that sometimes when she forgets to wear her watch, she just feels naked. Though riveted by the conversation, I began to ponder that. I've felt that way. Perhaps we all have. We get somewhere for the day only to realize we forgot our watch, or for ladies, perhaps all of our jewelry, something that makes us feel completely put together. And somehow, again maybe just for the ladies, whatever it is we have forgotten is inexplicably linked to our self esteem for the day. Without that item, something just isn't right and somehow our shields are down and we're exposed to the world.

But then I started thinking more. The phrase, "I feel naked" is kind of funny to me. Do we really feel naked if we forget to wear our watch? I think not. I think that if I were standing around the lunch table butt naked in front of my co-workers I would feel a lot different than if I were just watchless. In fact, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even matter if I was wearing a watch or not. All of my physical insecurities would be out there for all at the lunch table to see, I would be known more than I ever have been, and I'm pretty sure lunch would be over. So I guess there really is a difference between naked and really naked. One is perhaps just a funny way of saying, "I don't feel complete today." The other is totally exposed, the good the bad and the ugly, out there for all to see.

Sometimes I feel like this is how we in the church treat vulnerabiltiy and community. We all long for it, but we don't really know how to have it. And the thought of really being known, though one of our deepest desires, is also our greatest fear. And we're consumed with the thought of "what would they really think if they really knew me?" And so we protect ourselves and either refrain from any vulnerablity or are vulnerable just enough to communicate to others that we don't have it all together, we're slightly naked. And we feel good about that little bit we exposed and the rest that we've managed to keep hidden.

Yet, it seems to me we are called to be fully naked and exposed in true community. How else can the body act like the body to the body if we strive to hide our sins, struggles, insecurities, needs, etc. Holiness and hiding have nothing in common. To learn, grow, love, forgive, and experience Christ in community we must become comfortable with being appropriately "naked" with each other. Yes, that does lead to some uncomfortable moments. But true community is OK with the uncomfortableness.

So maybe a little nakedness around the lunch table is what we need. And the way I see it, if we're all naked, then it's not so awkward if I am too. I guess all this is to say, true community is only found in nudist groups. Figuratively speaking of course.